erase me - kryoz [slow updates]

nine

acacia

tonight john brought me out to some rich bitch restaurant in a nice part of the city and it feels a little weird. i can't remember the last time i went out to eat in a place where you needed reservations and to dress nice. normally i just ubereats or postmate shit to my house or if i'm feeling real ambitious, i'll go through the drive thru.

when we got there i about lost my shit. you could tell this place was top dollar and where all the snobby rich fucks ate on the weekends.

"john what the fuck is this.." i asked him quietly.

"me treating you. now, let it happen." he replied while grabbing my hand to lead me in.

once we were in and sat at our table, i looked at john sternly.

"seriously, majority of your videos get demonetized. this place is too fucking fancy and i don't even want to know the price tag."

"then i won't tell you." he shrugged.

i rolled my eyes and sighed at him.

"honestly though this is too much. i could've done with like taco bell or some shit."

"you might think it's too much, but i think you deserve this. so, that being said, let it happen, and enjoy yourself for at least tonight, please."

i looked into his eyes and saw that he genuinely wanted this to go right, and in my head i knew i had to look past the thoughts telling me this is bullshit, and i had to go with this all.

slightly smiling at him, i folded my hands across the table and waited for our waitress.

quite truthfully i can't remember the last time i went out to eat at a legitimate sit down restaurant, let alone a place so fancy. i could never be bothered to go out by myself and i sure as hell have never had anyone to treat me the way john insists i deserve to be treated.

"cay," he nudged me out of my thoughts. "are you alright?"

i nodded the slightest bit, "yea, just thinking i guess."

there was an emotion taking over his eyes that i couldn't quite decipher. the closest i could compare it to is concern, but even that just isn't it. i gave him a reassuring smile and laid my hand on his across the table.

"i promise you i'm okay, j. please don't worry about me."

"i do worry about you though. you mean a lot to me, as stupidly cliche as that sounds."

i laughed at his attempt to lighten the mood, knowing how much i hate sappy cliche shit. in saying that though, however, i realized how much sappy cliche shit that has happened since i got here that i've let slide. sneaky fuck john is, getting that by me. perhaps i've just been too intoxicated by his every move at this point that it doesn't even phase.

and perhaps even my heart was right in telling me to stop shrugging all of this off.

acacia you need to pay attention to what this man is doing. this is genuine but you refuse to see it because you're so invested in pushing everyone out and refusing to let anyone develop feelings for you.

it's stupid, this is all stupid. i'm 20, yet i act 8 because i, to this day, cannot seem to grasp the concept of human feelings and emotions. some would see that as sociopathic tendencies, but i've been fucked over so many times that i don't know what it's like to feel. and john makes me feel. feel some type of way, feel emotions, feel something.

i was snapped out of my thoughts, yet again, by our waitress coming back to deliver our drinks and take our dinner order. being the person i am, i ordered something simple, making sure it wasn't too pricey, but i'll be damned just about everything on this menu is severely inflated. john rolled his eyes after the waitress left.

"do you even like chicken tacos?"

i shrugged, "i prefer beef."

"acacia,"

"john,"

i looked him dead in the eyes searching for a reaction. his lips curved into a slight smile after a while, and i couldn't help but let my eyes scan over his face in that moment.

"god, you're so stunning." he said under his breath thinking i wouldn't hear it.

i turned away from him, grabbing the hem of my dress to distract my hands.

"you weren't supposed to hear that, i guess, but it's true, i hope you know." he broke the silence.

"no,"

even before shit hit the fan in my life when i was 13, i was never one that was able to take compliments. i've been extremely self conscious for as long as i can remember, and even in a broken family i was raised to show respect and not be overly confident that it flows into being narcissistic and arrogant.

"yes, acacia."

i watched him take a deep breath before he looked straight ahead at me.

"i can 100% see this fucking up our friendship, if i'm gonna be honest, but i can't hold on to this forever and what better time to admit this than now."

i bit down on my lip knowing exactly what he was gonna say and i wasn't prepared.

don't freak out. this is normal. don't push him out.

"even before smit formally introduced us to each other i knew i had even the slightest bit of feelings for you. i think i remember telling him, 'that girl, acacia, she's something, and i mean that in the best way possible.' and i thought he would kill me, you know, the over protective friend that he is. i couldn't be mad at him though."

he stopped to take a drink of his water and readjust his rings.

"acacia, i know how much you hate shit like this, but please, if you feel something too like i swear you do, just give this a chance. i don't want to start something with you thinking i'm just here to change you or 'fix' you, i genuinely feel something for you."

i looked down at my hands and played with my own rings, not wanting to make eye contact with him.

the last time i was in a relationship i was abused. i was made to feel like shit and i was left feeling the lowest i had ever been. john knows this story better than almost anyone and knows exactly how i feel about anything like this. never in a million years would i have expected him to say anything due to him knowing these things.

"john," i said quietly.

he averted his eyes back to meet my own and i could see truth and genuineness from just looking at him.

"i'm just scared. i know, acacia the pussy, 20 years old and refuses to get into a relationship because she's scared. shitty, huh?"

i laughed a bitter laugh and took a sip of my pepsi.

"i haven't felt true anything since i was with ty, before shit hit the fan of course, and quite honestly i'm scared of feeling. you knew that though. john, i knew from the second day i was here that we'd end up in this situation. i felt it, and obviously so did you otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"acacia i'm not trying to force you into thi-"

"no, it's been three years. i can't be a coward my entire life and run away from something that has potential. if you're really crazy enough to think you have feelings for me, then i won't doubt you. you know me just as well as the person who's known me my entire life."

"are we calling this official?"

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