The Titan Slayer

Chapter 16

Anger and hatred. Once again. Constantly. Ever since Isabel's death.

Anais stood at attention among the cadets in the dimly lit training grounds, facing Shadis, who was giving an important announcement. Anais knew she looked like she was giving Shadis her full attention, back straight and staring intently as the light of the torches cast dark shadows over his deeply set features, but she only listened to the relevant part of the speech. The government had decided to let the cadets graduate in advance due to the tragic loss of soldiers in both the Garrison Brigade and the Survey Corps.

Anais was not sure if immediately admitting the new cadets was a good idea, what with everyone just having the scare of their lives and all. Not to mention that they had only had half the training of an eligible soldier. And Anais was convinced that, if given the chance, both units would have had an extensive decrease in soldiers. Unfortunately for the soldiers, not everyone could enroll in the Military Police.

Anais ran her tongue across the insides of her teeth in thought. Yesterday, Anais had felt that she belonged for once in a very long time. It was the best feeling she had felt since Isabel's death, a warm and fuzzy sensation in her chest, overwhelmingly cozy. The five of her friends had shown her that they would always be there for her. It was a fact Anais could not wholly comprehend until yesterday.

But it also helped her realize something else – a daunting truth. That Anais could never be like Isabel no matter how hard she tried to replicate Isabel's kindness. Anais merely didn't have it in her. Because after Isabel's death, everything Anais knew to be truly good died with her sister. Anais did not believe she could fully trust her friends not to leave her. Anais supposed she could be proved wrong, and she wanted to believe that, really, but she doubted it. And that concept made Anais feel thoroughly disgusted with herself.

Quinten once told her that anger was a double-edged sword. One could either deal with the anger and endeavor to be a better person or allow the poison to flow. Anais knew which choice she had decided on the moment Isabel died. So, she put on a fake smile, indulged in a fake cheery personality, and reveled in the worst of herself. Because Anais knew everything positive about her: her gentle nature, her smiling, her facade of liking everyone, was entirely faked. It was an act Anais put on so she could be more like Isabel while she hid her resentment for the Titans and Levi and herself. Anais bit the inside of her lower lip hard to stop herself from slipping out of character.

After a night of restless thinking, Anais figured her friends were right. She was a moderately good fighter, but she also understood it was not because of her ambition but because she fought out of her anger and hatred. Anais despised the Titans for killing Isabel, and Anais felt no remorse in killing them. And deep down, she knew that if she could, Anais wanted more than to "just kill them." That was what Anais was trying to achieve at that moment. Because on the battlefield, she felt like that was the only genuine part of her, capable and deadly. Anais, she figured, wasn't and couldn't ever be good like Isabel.

Kellan nudged Anais out of her thoughts with his elbow, saluting. Anais quickly mimicked his salute. The encouragement speech was over. "Are you okay? You were spaced out for quite a long time, hummingbird."

Anais looked up at him and smiled, nodding. "Yes, I'm fine. Did I miss anything important?"

"Aside from idiotically and irrationally letting us graduate early, nope," Kellan spat, gesticulating wildly. "I mean, how is this a better decision than another year of training?! We aided them just fine this time, so if this happens again – which I highly doubt anyone will strike so close in time –, I am positive we will be fine. The government shouldn't enlist half-assed trained soldiers into the military yet! Honestly? I don't get it."