our gentle sin

awakening

15.

LISA POV

Ever since my break-up confession to Jennie, there seemed to be a shift in energy between us, and more specifically, a change in behaviour from her. She was clingier than ever. Whereas previously it had been me to initiate hand holding, now she didn't hesitate to slip her fingers through mine and even seemed reluctant to separate them. Even going as far as clinging onto my arm whilst we walked together and constantly wanting to be right by my side.

If any other of my friends did this, I wouldn't think anything of it, but Jennie was not naturally an affectionate or clingy person, at least she hadn't been in the time I'd known her, which had now been two months.

In addition, the fact that she had only begun initiating such behaviour after she knew I was single also had me thinking. But maybe I was reading too much into it, and Jennie was only acting like this now because we were closer and didn't in the weeks prior because she didn't want to disrespect my relationship.

Although, apparently I had managed to do that all by myself.

Along with this behaviour change, Mina's insinuations had been weighing heavy on my mind, both serving to confuse me entirely.

I didn't see Jennie as anything more than a friend, did I?

I couldn't deny Mina had made some good points, mainly alluding to the fact that I would never even consider being friendly, never mind close friends with someone who was so blatantly homophobic. Seeing Jennie that night in her room, I had been desperate to maintain a friendship with her purely for the fact that I wanted to keep seeing her. I thought that meant I valued her friendship too much to lose her, but maybe I just unknowingly had a crush on her.

Looking at it from Mina's perspective, I completely understood why she had been angry enough to break up with me. Not only had I blown her off for two weeks to take another girl out, but I had also lied to her about it, several times, before coming clean, and even then it had been mostly out of guilt.

On the surface, I had convinced myself that I had nothing to be guilty for; Jennie is just a friend. But deep down, I knew my behaviour was wrong.

Yet the question remained; did I have romantic feelings for Jennie?

Day by day, my question was being answered. Her close proximities were making my heart race. I was now nervous when picking her up from the convent or even initiating any kind of conversation with her. I found myself wanting to be near her all the time, but at the same time utterly terrified; if she found out it could ruin our friendship forever, that was, if she didn't feel the same way about me.

The thing was though, it was almost impossible to know. Even if she did, chances are her feelings would be buried so deep that she wouldn't even be aware that they exist, drowned out by years of teachings and internalised homophobia.

Was I willing to dig deep enough to find out the truth and risk ruining whatever friendship we had over it?

Apparently so.

There was no way I could just come out and ask her straight up whether or not she had feelings for me. I had a pretty good idea of how that conversation would pan out. Kissing her to find out seemed more and less risky at the same time, all depending on how she actually felt.

Sitting on the park bench with her, with no one else in sight, listening to her talk on and on about the seasons and why Autumn was her favourite, I was in awe of her. Honestly, there were times I marvelled at how far we had come. When Jennie and I had first met she was timid and shy. I never would have predicted after a couple of months of getting to know her she would be able to talk my ear off.

My eyes kept drifting to her lips, the plump and rosiness of them, the slight creases, the way she would smile a little when she amused herself; every nerve in my body lit up when I caught even a glimpse of her gummy smile.

I found myself licking my own lips and having to direct my gaze back up to her eyes several times. If she noticed, she didn't give any indication.

"Of course, Winter isn't good for gardening, but I love the snow and even the cold. I prefer to be super cold and drown myself in a dozen blankets than be really hot and sticky; there are only so many layers a person can take off..."

We were already pressed quite close together, our legs touching and shoulders almost pressed together; Jennie was even resting her hands on my knee.

Without even consciously doing so, I inched my face closer to hers. And either my mind had blocked out her voice, or Jennie had simply stopped talking. Considering her lips had stopped moving, I would guess the latter. She didn't move though. Although my intentions had to have been perfectly clear, she stayed perfectly still.

Never in my life had I been so scared to kiss someone, although I had only kissed a couple of other people before, this was different and so much more terrifying. Just one inch away now, so close I could hear the shaky breaths, coming from me or her, I wasn't sure.

I was so incredibly terrified, but there was no turning back now, I had chosen my path and sometimes you just have to stick with your choices and hope in the end they would have been worth it.

A little further and I was ghosting over her lips, my eyes closed so I couldn't see her reaction. She still hadn't moved. I could feel her breath against my lips. Every second was a chance for her to pull away, to slap me, to yell at me, do anything to stop me, yet she stayed perfectly still, neither retreating nor engaging, simply waiting.

Maybe she was shell-shocked; not quite sure what was happening and waiting for me to snap out of it. She had never kissed anyone before, this would be her first. I was reminded of how she never had any intentions to ever kiss anyone. Was I robbing her of something so sacred that she may never even look at me again?

Driving the chilling thought into the depths of nothingness, I took the plunge.

In the most gentle of kisses, I pressed my lips to hers. It was surreal, almost like a dream. I pressed a little harder onto soft lips just to make certain that they were connecting and nearly gasped in delight when they didn't pull away.

A part of me had never expected to make it this far, but the reward exceeded anything I could have ever imagined. Though the kiss was still mostly innocent and chaste, it had a fire burning through my veins, setting me alight and pushing me to go further.

Switching from a sinless peck, I pressed even further. Deeper. Entwining our lips together and pushing my body forward, my hands acted off their own accord, tracing up her arms and resting on her shoulders.

She kissed me back.

She was kissing me back.

For a split second, I pulled back for air, but her lips chased mine, connecting them once more in a hurry, as if kissing me was more necessary than oxygen in that moment. The lust in me was screaming for more, the rationality was nothing but a quiet whisper, simply suggesting not to push too far. Maybe I should have listened to it.

She was kissing me back. More than that, she was eager for it. She wanted this as much as me. Almost cautiously, I slipped my tongue out, swiping gently across her bottom lip before pressing it through the gap between her lips.

She gasped. And for a fraction of a moment, I felt her warm tongue against mine, before it was abruptly pulled backwards, along with her lips and her body.

Feeling the loss, my eyes snapped open to be met with Jennie's horrified expression. She shook her head rapidly, as if in disbelief of what had just happened. What she had just let happen and had even encouraged.

"Jennie--" I make an attempt to calm her down before it escalated, but before I could say more than her name, she cut me off.

"This isn't-- no-- I don't--" she splutters helplessly, scrambling to her feet. "I have to go--" and then rushes away from me, almost sprinting out of the park and through the gates into the street.