Admit Defeat (TMR fic 2)

Chapter 13

(I like to think this song is how Newt is feeling about Ash at this point in the story~) 

I wake up thinking about Thomas. I need him. I hate it, this weakness of mine, but I do need him.

Most of the Gladers are asleep, so I slip down from the bunk bed I was sleeping in, and I cross to Thomas's. Aris gives me a curious glance, but I ignore him. I don't know what to think about the new boy, but I'm not going to talk to him. I'm trying to forget my friendships, not make new ones.

Well, forget most of my friendships.

"Thomas?"

He groggily stirs awake. "Yeah?"

"I had a dream. Can I sit with you?"

He nods and sits up, and I join him, our backs against the wall.

"Was it a memory?" he asks, and I nod.

"Yeah. The day WICKED took me. My family died." I hadn't expected it to bother me much. We're all dying in this world anyway. But the finality in actually knowing... hurts.

"I'm sorry," he says.

I lean my head on his shoulder without replying. Thomas is kind. He's not like Newt, who is gentle despite being shattered inside, but rather... he's just transparent and good-willed.

Newt would give his last penny to his worst enemy if his enemy needed it more. I don't understand him. But I understand Thomas.

"Chuck asked me to find his parents," Thomas says, his voice thick. "I promised him. But... that... that can't happen now." He sniffs a bit, and I lean against him more, knowing he's hurting.

"At least he's not hungry," I say, trying to lighten the mood. But my words are far too empty. There's nothing I can say that truly expresses how we feel about the boy. It must be worse for Thomas, too, since he was closer to Chuck.

Thomas laughs through his tears. "Yeah. He's lucky for that."

"He was the only one," I muse, "that the Maze didn't break, or the Glade didn't corrupt. The only truly good person there."

"I mean," Thomas says, his voice a bit uncertain, "Newt's pretty good, too..."

I sigh and run my hand through my hair. I should have known he'd turn the conversation to my obvious disagreement with the 'Glue.'

"It's different," I say, my voice surprisingly sad. I didn't mean to show so much of how badly I miss him. "He's good because he knows how it feels to have bad things done to you. He's kind so that other people don't have to suffer like he did."

"Really?" Thomas sounds genuinely surprised.

I frown at him. "You can't tell? You couldn't see how empty and... and heartbroken he was in there? They trapped him, and he hated it. He would have done anything to get free, but he didn't have any hope. It was destroying him."

"He needed you, then," Thomas says, and I look away.

"Maybe."

I don't want him to need me. I'm still mad at him, but... maybe I'm just mad because I need him, too. I need him and I'm afraid of what that means.

Maybe I overreacted because I care so much.