𝐂𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐋𝐮𝐬𝐭

38

D A R I Y A

I look into the eyes of the woman that I dreamed about meeting for as long as I could remember. Her eyes looked so much like mine, same shape, same lashes, it was just missing the beautiful green specs my father girted me.

My father never really talked about her when he was alive, but when he did, he would always make her sound like the best thing to exist.

I remember one time when we had a huge argument when he said 'your mother' while telling his story. I was just so heated that day that I couldn't take it any more. In my 14-year-old mind, all I could see was her neglect and selfishness. It took years for me to look over that, though it remained very subtly deep inside.

I never wanted to admit that, because it honestly hurt to admit it. That your own mother didn't want you and neglected you. Knows of your existence but never once tried to contact or even send a letter, not even those already written ones from the pharmacy.

"I thought you left." My voice was void of any emotion, as my eyes wondered the busy streets of New York. I yearned for this woman, strongly and if I looked too long I may just crack.

"I was going to, honestly but I didn't want to have to call myself a coward again." I hummed at her response, pursing my lips as I glared at the billboard across the street as an unplanned advertisement for a clothing brand, I had a sponsor with played and it was me advertising it.

"Must be weird seeing yourself like that."

"I guess." I answered, shrugging my shoulder.

"Please look at me Dariya," She begged.

I looked at her with stony eyes, watching as hers filled with tears.

"I know you resent me or even hate me and I don't blame you for that but please I want to try, after 22 years I want to try and be in my daughter's life, 22 years late." Her words just made me break my cool so fast, I and all had whiplash.

"22 years, 22 long fucking years, 11 years ago when I found out about you, I sent you letter after letter like a petulant little child. I sat on that door step in the cold Christmas Eve night into Christmas day thinking you would answer my only wish and visit me, if only once. Do you know how long I did that? For 5 fucking years until I didn't have time to do it anymore because my father died. Did you show up then? No." Groaning at my blurred vision and roughly swiped away my tears. This was nothing to cry over.

"That day at the cafe in Paris you knew I was your daughter and all you did was nod at me. In a world big as this, with my face on billboards all over the world," I pointed to the billboard across the street that she was just talking about, "You, you alone made me feel so small and weak." I poked her shoulder as hot uncontrollable tears ran down my face.

"Every time I crossed that finished line, I only hoped that vater would be proud of me and that you would be proud of me too wherever you were in this stupidly big world." I whispered, taking a deep breath and wiping away my tears again.
(German Vater- Father)

"I don't even know why I'm wasting tears on you. I'm going now." I laughed at myself, turning around to go on with my day.

"I am proud, every time you crossed the finish line no matter the place, I cheered the loudest for you in every country." She said, grabbing onto my arm, stopping me.

"I have every single letter, every necklace you made with my name on it, every overly expensive gift you sent for me for Christmas, I still have that drawing you sent the very first Christmas when you were 11. Every single thing." She whispered, grabbing my chin gently and making me look at her.

"Did you know I gave you that name, Dariya? I had you for the very first month of your life, you were my joy- you are my joy. I can't make any excuse for my action because when my parents died, I had all free will to be in your life but I thought I was too late."

"That day in Paris, I was planning to talk to you, try and build a relationship. But Dunrick had already moved on and said you were happy with that woman. If only I knew. My sweet Dariya." She rests a shaky hand on my cheek, tears rolling down her face. My fingers wrapped around her wrist to remove her hand from my face but I just couldn't.

"You can hate me, resent me all you want but please don't turn your back on me. I and you both know that if you walk away today, we may never see each other again." Her thumb, brushed over my cheek, wiping away my tears.

"Please, have lunch with me tomorrow at my restaurant in Soho we can talk about anything you'd like or we don't have to talk at all. Give me a chance, I'm here now, a bit late, but I'm here."

"Noon." Is all I say, taking her hand off my face a bit roughly. I took note of the step she braved forward no doubt to hug me but she cleared her throat and fell back in her previous spot.

Wiping her tears away. "Noon." She agreed, smiling at me. This time though when she stepped forward, she didn't hesitate and I didn't step away. She played it off as an air kiss to my both cheeks before pulling away. With a long stare and a soft smile, she walked off to a car and got in the front seat.

I watched as she drove away, the heavily tinted windows obstructing further view. Sliding my hands back into my pocket I strolled back over to Atreus' car feeling an invisible weight lift off my shoulders.

"Where are we going now?" I closed the door shut, putting my seatbelt on.

"We're going home to have a nice long bath," I hummed as his hand rest on my thigh, squeezing, "Then we'll get dressed what ever time we're finished our reintroduction and go party like were teenagers again."

"You say that teenagers like were in our thirties and have three children." I joked, resting my head back on the head rest, my eyes fluttering shut.

"How about we make that happen?" My eyes snapped open as I grabbed his hand throwing it back on his lap.

"Fuck no." I answered seriously, not at all amused as he laughed at my reaction.

"Don't make those kinds of jokes Atreus or I'll make you wear a condom." He gets serious then, looking to me wide eyed.

"I'm sorry, I take it back." I hummed, slapping his hand away as he tried to persuade me with his inappropriate touches.

They weren't really inappropriate but his touch made me want to hump him innocent or not.

"Let's go home and get the baby making started!" He shouts starting the car, dancing around in his seat.

"We are not fucking making a baby!" I punched his thigh on each word.

"You say that now baby, wait until I make you a blabbering mess." He said smugly, making sexual gestured with his mouth.

"You're so fucking annoying." I rolled my eyes at him, looking out the window.

"I love you too baby."

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