hackers and assassins - ii.
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The clouds were dark and wild. Crackling at every touch. The lightning flashed by like a sharp arrow. The rain, he found, was the perfect metaphor for his love. Unadulterated, pouring down but in his case, it never ended. An endless pour of emotions, pooling in different places, splashed around. Sometimes he found it hard to ignore the rain in his heart.
For him, love is an enigma. He will never understand it, or its purpose. People say many things, love should give you this or that, but in his case he's found that love is love despite what it brings to you.
So there she stood, in the rain, waiting for him because love is love.
He remembered how he struggled to find out the difference between platonic and romantic love. Was it just the physical lust that seperated them? He didn't know. He always considered his love for her with simple emotions, he didn't want to overcomplicate them. He decided it was romantic love because he couldn't see her with anyone else other than him. He couldn't see himself with anyone else other than her.
In the past, he has seen many couples. Everyone expects a certain expectation out of love. Everyone wants their love to give them this feel. But for him, love was her. Despite what it gave him, he would still love her and continue to love her.
Fucking confusing isn't it? Love.
He jumped over the ledge and walked towards her. He dreaded this very day. For someone who likes simple emotions, he left her for very complicated ones. Was that what love is? Making you do things that you wouldn't do for the happiness of the other person? He didn't know.
"Neenga vara matingalonu nenachen," she said, her eyes glossy and hair dripping from raindrops.
"Varanumnu thonichu," he said honestly.
It was silent except for the pouring rain. Silence was also a love language, he found. Just looks and movements to convey their most intense emotions, unable to express them through words.
She broke the silence, as she always did, because she couldn't stand the agony that came with it, "Sollunga."
"Enna solanum?," he played dumb.
She sighed, "Please. I'm tired of not knowing the answers."
He looked at her eyes. Those damn eyes. They swirled behind a curtain of rain, looking like pearls. He let out a deep breath and said,
"I don't know how to express my feelings, ennaku epadi solrathunu theriyala.."
That had been the problem, his incapability to express his feelings to her. He wasn't good at that in general, but when it came to her, he was always left with raw, primal emotions that are hard to express.
He found that words and actions both weren't enough to encompass his love for her.
"The reason why I left you was because I thought you'd be out of danger if you weren't with me. Ennaku nee than, unna vita ennaku yaaru. Apadi irukmbothu, I needed you to be safe. En kooda iruntha I thought you wouldn't be safe."
She started at him bewildered, trying to process what he said. "You're a fucking idiot, you know that?" she said.
He snorted. He was one, he knew that.
"Seriously, it makes no sense. Unga kooda illana kooda, I'm always in danger. Our line of work is like that. Being with or without you is irrelevant. Unga logic padiya paatha, neenga pakathula iruntha you can ensure my safety right?"
He was silent for a moment. A part of him knew he was right. But he can't give up on his nonsensical things at the last moment. "Appo ennala mudiyathu nu thonichu. I wasn't strong enough."
She scoffed, and the thunder crackled loudly through the sky.
He continued, "That day when you got shot. Ennaku ennanu theriyala, I could handle that,"
That day flashed by his eyes, and he let out a sour laugh, "Annaiku than therinjathu, love is a responsibility."
She fumed, "It's a responsibility nu therithu, but you won't keep it up, apadithana? Oru prachanai vantha, bayathila odiduvinga apadithana?"
"Ma..."
She shook her head, "Illa, that's the problem. Ellathyum unga thala melaya katikonga. It's not your fault. Avalothana? Just oru problem vantha, you won't even consider looking from a different perspective? Was it so temporary for you?"
The rain poured heavier and he felt like even the moon was staring at him in disappointment.
"Vaadagaiku kaathal vaangi vaazhavilla yaarum, enna mattum vaazha sollathinga," she said.
It was as if her words were the trigger switch for him. He thought love was her, but he was wrong. Love was them. Love wasn't something from her, bur something between them.
He felt like he understood and didn't understand love at the same time.
"Would you believe me if I said I regretted leaving you,?" he asked. She turned to look at him, and he wasn't sure if he could breathe at that moment.
"Make me believe it," she said before walking away.
Love was a test, it was a test he kept to himself. He loved her and them for their complicated nature. For his inability to understand her or their love. He loved her and them for the pain he held in heart, and the small salvation that he got from hearing those words. Love is love, despite it's complications. Love is them.
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hi guys, sorry nethiku i couldn't do double update ☹️
this is actually hackers and assassins part 2 but I felt this title was more accurate.
this chapter is self indulgence for me. ungaluku puriyama ouriyatha idk, but i was just writing what I felt about love. love is a subjective emotion so I think there's no right or wrong.
hope you guys enjoyed! leave a comment if you liked it and thank you so much for reading!
love,
sai.
