My Life (sons of anarchy fan fiction)

21

This is dedicated to @JenninaAnne

Jaxs P.O.V

After walking Tara to her car I walked back into the clubhouse and headed straight to the dorms. I walked by Harleys room and saw her door was open, I was going to close it when something sticking out of her mattress caught my eye. I walked over and picked it up realising it was a journal. I thought about opening it or putting it back, but I just couldn't put it down. I sat down on her bed and opened to the first page. I saw the date and realised it was the day after we slept together. 

Dear Diary, 

Leaving Charming might be the best thing for me to do. It'll be hard leaving all the people I love behind. But staying here will be painful and unbearable for me. This morning Jax told me that what had happened between us last night didn't mean anything to him at all. So what's the worst between the two. Having to lose your virginity to someone you love? Or that person you love telling you that it didn't mean anything. When in fact it was everything to you. But what use is that now when I was nothing but a good fuck for him. As my tears fall. As I pack up all my shit. I will be saying bye to Charming and leave all these memories behind me. 

As I read the last sentence I realise how selfish i was and so fucking mean to her. I didn't realise that me being her first would mean that much to her. I knew she loved me I just didn't think she loved me this much. I feel so fucking awful. I need to read more. 

Dear Diary, 

Looking forward to a fresh start here in Oakland. I found an apartment to live in and school starts next week. Honestly I'm a bit excited for this new journey I'm about to start. Leaving my old life in Charming away from all the chaos and never ending heartaches, leaving what should have been the best memory of Jax behind heres to a new start. 

Jesus I even fucked up the memories she had of me. I didn't mean what I told her about it meaning nothing. I was trying to convinvce myself that what Tara and I had was great and good for me, someone not so invsted in the club like she was. That was the worst thing I could've done and now she fucking hates me and Tara is happy about it. 

Dear Diary,

I've been feeling shitty this past week. Not really knowing a reason why. Since that night with Jax I havent been feelng well at all. I think its probably a good idea if i get checked out at the hospital.

Dear Diary, 

Not knowing what to do. Should I keep it or not? I just found out that yes I am in fact bearing Jackson Tellers child. With how things ended Jax doesn't deserve to know this at least I don't think he does. I mean if us having sex meant nothing this child would probably mean nothing to him too. 

She wasn't going to tell me about the baby? What the hell is wrong with her. Of course I would want to know if I got her pregnant. I'm not that self centered. 

Dear Diary,

It's been 6 months since i've left Charming behind me. I've made some friends here in Oakland and I've been "Dating"  this guy since. He knows my situation being pregnant and all. And he seems to be very understanding. 

Fucking Spencer.

Dear Diary, 

It's been 2 weeks since the last time I've written. I've lost my baby boy due to Spencer beating me. My lil boy who never got to see how beautiful this world can be despite of all the struggles and heartaches it may bring you. My lil boy will never be given the chance to take first step say his first word or how to ride a bike. I will never get the chance to hold my first son in my arms cause his life was taken away from him at 6 months in my womb. I hope where ever you are now you will remember mommy will always love you with every ounce of her being. I love you Thomas Nathaniel Teller-Winston. 

That fucking asshole beat the woman I loved and killed my unborn child and got away with it. Thats not going to last very long. I will find him and kill him. 

Dear Diary, 

Its been exactly 3 1/2 years now since the last time I've written an entry. After I lost my son I couldn't find the will to write. These past few years went by so quick. i'm about to graduate next week with a ba in Education and Child Development minor in Psychology and Human Development. Now that I'm done with school I am ready to head back home to Charming. 

I can't believe she still stayed there after what Spencer did to her why wouldn't she have called any of us to come up and help her. She knows we would've done anything to protect her and make her happy. 

Dear Diary, 

Today's the day I'll be going back to the place I really called home. The place where all my family stays. The place where I got my heart broken by someone I loved. After long 4 years I am now ready to face all that I have left behind including the only man I'ved loved all this time. The father of my child who he'll never had the chance to hold in his arms. 

Dear Diary,

This shit with Jax is a fucking useless cycle. I'm in this situation where it feels like a never ending rollercoaster. Even the emotion of confusion doesn't cover it anymore. I dont know why I let him treat me this way. Jax is a series of disasters and I know that for a fact, and yet I keep coming back to him. Regardless of how shitty he treats me when his beloved Tara is around. Why can't he just grow a pair of balls to build up some confidence to tell Tara the truth. He denies me all the time when that bitch is around and yet when we're all alone he leaves this tiny piece of hope that he might just feel the same way about me. Fuck you Jackson Teller. I wish it's not so damn hard to let go of you. I am nothing but a damn doormat to you. Where you can come back when you please. If you knew that how I feel about you is so fucking real. Happy and I have a sexual friendship thats it and that doesn't even make me forget about you. Why am I in love with someone like you? When Im with Happy all I think of is you. When I share the same bed with him I wish it was you next to me instead. Whatever Happy and I have isnt like what we have Jackson I wish you could see how wrong Tara is for you. 

Jesus thats a lot to take in. I thought to myself, I got up from her bed and took her journal with me and went into my room. I heard more motorcycles pull into the lot. Clay has decided to have another club party tonight. After reading Harleys journal I've finally realised all the shit I put her through these past few years. There are nights when I can hear cry at night passing by her room. I can't believe I've put this wounderful person in so much pain and yet she puts up this act of being all tough. In all honesty I've felt the same way about her just not knowing how to go about it since I'm with Tara and still with her. I wish I could just tell her how I feel about her without hurting Tara. I thought it was best to tell her it meant nothing to me when actually it meant everything to me too. Juice yelled through the door that everyone was here, and I put Harleys journal on my bed and walked out to the party and immediatly drinking.