Big and Beautiful, Paisley

Author's Note: Issues

***This isn't anything important I guess, but Im just speaking out from the heart... So please, if you have any stories, share them with me on here or PM them to me. Or you can just message me if you want. I promise I'll message back. Love y'all***

        Okay, so um.. Hi, lol.. So just a few years ago, I had this little moment with myself as in thinking about my life y'know? And I started wondering "Why am I living?". That's still one of the things that's on my mind. I started thinking about this around the age of 11 or 12, one of those ages...

        So I said "Fuck it". Then, this boy in my math class decided to pick on me about my appearance, my weight. He'd harass me at some moments, and maybe a few months afterwards- he called me obese. I almost got kicked out of school for fighting him. And that's when I realized, now, I became insecure...

        My issues are very strong and I don't know if I can help myself pass through it. I'm being honest with you guys, and yes- I'm bipolar and mental and have these emotional problems. That led me to postpartum depression for a while and it seemed as if I didn't know myself anymore.

        Just a few days ago, I was thinking long and hard on writing a chapter on this book. After I posted the chapter, I went back in my bed and cried and cried for hours, just letting these thoughts get to me. I tried to understand what it's like to hang from the ceiling fan. What it's like to not breathe, what it's like to feel as if you're dying.

        I held a knife before to my neck just Monday- it wasn't worth it. My heart stopped before- my chest clenched tight. My head pounded and that was the only thing I could hear along with my crying that was muffled by my hands. I looked in the mirror and I saw my face and thought "I don't belong here".

        Bad part about it was that I was home alone...

        I'm scared to be honest with you and I know once I get in the shower after posting this, I might break down. My life isn't healthy at all. I feel like an outcast from everyone and nobody knows. People think just because they see a smile of my face, they think I'm happy. But nah, my smile is just as fake as a Barbie Doll. My laughs are just to ease up the fucking pain that I hide, but I show it when I'm in the shadows and in the dim lightness of my room.

        I keep my feelings bottled up and locked in my own body so that nobody will know. I just..

        I'm losing it.

        I'm trying my best, my best to hold on to this thin and fragile string of life as long as I can. I'm prepared, I'm ready. I'm ready for that string to snap like a twig and it'll be over...

        No more fear, because that's all I see and hear and think.

        Tell me, do y'all know what it's like to feel this way? To feel as if your heart is picking up its speed then stopping and you have to catch your breath, then cry as if you're about to die of pure exhaustion of everything?

        And maybe y'all think I'm stupid, but.. It's my feelings and it'll take a long time to get over it.

        I pray and pray to God that I'll get better, but I feel like I'm locked up behind bars. I'm shaking them and screaming but no one can hear. I'm slamming items against the gray walls...

        People see right through me as if I'm a piece of glass. They stop and step on and over me- I'm shattered. That's what I am.. I'm a shattered piece of glass- I'm broken. Please, fix me.

        Just help me. That's all I need from you guys- help. Give me advice cause I swear, I'm trying, I am.

        My dad just called, he said "I love you, baby girl. Have a goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow". But sometimes I think that tomorrow won't ever come...

-Dionna (Me on the side)