Just My Thoughts

Rant lmfao

Growing up as a single kid could sometimes be so isolating. I don't have anyone to turn to when I need someone to back me up. Don't get me wrong Mayaa is indeed my sister but I was never really brought up with her. She was already 7/8 when I was born and I grew up in my mom's side of family. Besides now that I need her, she's already so far away and we don't really talk as much anymore. 

There's so much going on in my mind that is eating every single braincell of mine. There seems to be no escape from this whole Medical School situation.  I'm at a dead end right now. It's so tiring. I want to cry but they won't even let me cry. I really don't know how to put my thoughts into words right now because all I could thing of right now is "What do I do now? What do I do now? What do I do now?" 

Even though I try so hard, Even if I put my hundred percent in what I'm doing right now I don't see any result. I can't even blame anyone but myself.

All this has been the result of my bad decisions from grade ninth till now. 

I really want help. I really need help. But I got no one to ask. Who do I tell all this?

My head's in a jumble. Anyone I trust enough to express my concerns just cuts me off. 

'No that's what's best for you.'

'No it's important to have a doctor in family.'

'No your personality suits a doctor.' What the hell is that even supposed to mean?

Everyone expects so much. What do I do now? 

I tried talking; Patiently, Firmly, Jokingly; in every single way. What do I do now?

When I come here to talk people say "Talk to your parents, they would understand." As if I haven't been trying for four long years in vain. 

I don't even know what I want anymore, I'm completely burnt out. Do I want another career path? Do I want to just Vanish? Do I want to just sit there? I don't even know anymore. I lost my interest in so many things. I don't want to write anymore, I don't want to read anymore, I don't want to dance anymore, I got nothing. I just sit here in front of screens, watching god knows what just to get some sort of stimulation.

It's so jumbled right now.

Breathing seems hard these days. Everything seems hard. 

The guilt eats me up from inside but I don't want to work anymore. My parents' faces flash by in my mind but I don't even want to lift a single finger. If I could I would've really thrown my brain out the window right now. 

One day, my dad was scolding me for lying around on my bed all day and not doing anything. I didn't cry in front of him but I couldn't help my tears. Not because I was hurt by his word or because he raised his voice at me, it was because I understood his frustration so much. He works so hard everyday without a break even when he's sick only to give me a comfortable life. Only so that I could make something out of myself. And here I am wasting my life away. I understand his frustration. Even I am frustrated with myself but my body just doesn't want to move. I don't ever have the energy.

What do I do? 

I don't have the guts to tell them anything anymore. I just want I disappear. Like I never was here. 

I'm so tired.