Blinded by Color

Chapter 4 Jerimiah

"Hey sexy, where are you? I noticed you dipped out early this morning."

"Oh, yea, sorry, my love, I have to get these papers signed so we can move and stop hiding our relationship. I am so ready to start our life together."

"Same, I really miss you already though, will I see you tonight?"

"Of course! I love you!"

"Love you more."

I can't stand not being with him anymore. I hate how this family doesn't accept anything other than living the way they deem fit. I am not allowed to date outside my race, I cannot be gay, and my only hope is to be exactly the clone they want me to be. I can't pretend anymore. I am dying on the inside. I feel trapped in my own body, pretending to be this perfect young man who loves women. This young boy who wants to grow up into a man like his father and have children and a successful career. I don't want that life. Since I was a little boy, I loved dressing up in my mom's clothes and pretending to be like her. I am so jealous my sister can wear make-up and no one judges, but she doesn't even take advantage of it. She's just a plain Jane who couldn't care less about her nails or hair. I want to hold hands with this beautiful man who I am dying to marry. I want to be free. I can't take the polluted minds of these suburban white people who think I am supposed to be this heterosexual man. It's not fair. I didn't ask to be born like this. I didn't pray I would be gay. I didn't wake up one day and think, hmmm, maybe I will try being with a man. No! It's not like that. I was born like this. I knew from a very early age I was different. I found every boy in my class checking out girls and wanting to play video games. I wanted nothing more than to play with the girls and do their hair. I wanted to sing in chorus and dance on the dance team. I didn't want to throw a football or pick up a bat. I like getting my nails done and keeping a clean-shaven look. I'm super particular about my outfits and my stuff. I like soft skin and the smell of cologne. I like hairy chests and beautiful eyes. I tried falling to my knees to be the man my family wants me to be, but I can't. I cried myself to sleep for years. I begged God to take this away to heal me or fix me. I talked to my counselor at school, and she threatened to tell my mom. I told her I was joking and just wanted to see what she would say because I was curious about gay people. Her response was nothing shy of prejudice. She advised me not to look into evil things. She stated that it is best to steer clear of people like that. I went back to class thinking I needed to find a prom date. I had to make this believable. Thank God my best friend at that time was in the know and didn't care. She was the only friend I had who I confided in. She was the most amazing person. Unfortunately, due to her extravagant features, she was always being asked to go to the dances by her choice of boys. I was devasted, but as luck would have it, that year, she turned everyone down and went with me. No one could believe it. I couldn't even believe it. My mom was thrilled and swore this is how it all starts. "Oh, you and your high school sweetheart/best friend will be married soon." She was oblivious. I swear parents love denial more than anything else if it helps them sleep at night. In my head, I was thinking, lady, if only you knew she has all the wrong parts.

I wish Kay and I were closer because I feel like I could really use a friend, but the thing is, we have never been close. Kay is a rule follower, a good girl. I never understood why she and Nivea were best friends because Niv is the opposite. Niv doesn't care what people think or how they will react to her actions. She is Niv, and you get what you get. I wanted to tell Niv, but my fear is that since Kay is her best friend, my secret won't be safe. I know my mom will disown me, and my uncles will tell the whole family and probably beat me black and blue. I just want to go as far away from here as possible. I thought college was a great excuse. Since I am only nineteen, I have to get my mom to sign my federal aid. I have to use her income. I am moving to San Fran. It's the gay capital of the United States, and I need to be in the area where I and the love of my life are accepted. I am more in love with Keith than I ever thought possible. He's my best friend, and I never thought I would be happy living this lie. I was finally happy for the first time since realizing I was gay. I didn't care about lying or no one understanding my feelings and what struggles I had. I no longer wanted them too. I just wanted Keith. I clicked with him.

We met one day at the beach. I fell for him instantly. He is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. He's short and well built, but in a lean way. He's got all the definitions you dream of in a man. His eyes are green, and his Mexican skin is tan like toffee. He is fluent in Spanish, and when he talks to me in his native tongue, I lose my mind. He's smart and kind and has the most perfect smile. I love him more and more each day. We love to read poetry together and attend concerts and dance. We love to cuddle and drink expensive wine. The best times, though, are when we just hang at his apartment and listen to the ocean breeze blowing while lying naked in each other's arms. I've never felt so complete. How can something that feels so right be so wrong? How can so many people hate my life and my decisions? Why does it have any effect on them whatsoever? I can't imagine my life without Keith. He's my everything. I just need my mom to be present for five minutes and act like a mom. She's never been the same since my dad died. I swear, she makes it easier and easier to cut her off and move across the country to start a new life without her in it. I get it; he died, and we are all sad, but when you have kids to live for, and they are young and need you, isn't it your job to be there for them and put your own feelings aside? She is not a mother, but in fact, she is a figurative image that I rely on for nothing. She can rot in hell for all I care. Kay isn't on board with that. She still has hope in Mom. Well, Kay, you're on your own. We will never see eye to eye on that one. This is why me and my sister aren't close. She's way too perfect to be in my world. Always doing what is right and taking care of our mother's mistakes. She just won't fit, and Keith agrees, our life will be better without my family's involvement.