Blinded by Color

Chapter 7 Kayla

I have decided that after last week's issues of my mom being her normal MIA, my brother deciding to leave for California, and Josh moving on with Jessica, I am due for a beach day. Today, I am packing a bag filled with fruit, chips, a book, and my headphones. I am not inviting Nivea because I swear that girl is always busy unless you catch her in advance. If she is not doing hair, she's out and about. She texted me that this weekend she would be hanging out with this girl Miranda who I guess is her new drinking buddy. I have never been much for drinking, and I know Niv secretly wishes I were her fish. She loves to kick back shots of just about anything as long as she is the center of attention and getting shitfaced.

My car is an old Honda, and I named her Sally a long time ago. She is my ride or die. I got her as my first car and paid for her all by myself from working at the diner. She is the only thing I have paid off or owned that is truly my own. I turn her on, and the song on the radio is none other than The All-American Rejects – Gives You Hell. How perfect for my cleansing of Josh. The only problem is, I am not a successful woman who made it without him. This song makes me realize how much I need to reach out to him. What's the harm anyways? Nivea hated Josh, which is why she probably thinks I need to ignore him, but I really just want to say hi. I miss him. I miss his voice, his texts, his gifts, his smile. I really miss him. I feel so lonely these days. One little text, that is all. I promise myself I will not make it a habit! I decide to wait till I stop driving and arrive at Howard Park Beach. That way, I can really focus on my text and what I want to say.

Jerimiah forged the papers for San Francisco State University because, of course, my mom was not available. I offered to help him pack and get ready for his big move, but he politely declined. He added that we are not that close and there is no reason to pretend like I am going to miss him. That's just it, though, I was going to miss him. I always thought that once I stepped up to take care of Jerimiah, he would be my best friend and love me like he did our mother, but somehow, I never seemed to take her place. It was almost as if he resented me trying to help raise him for her faults. I told him I wanted to fly with him to California and help him get set up and tour the school. He advised me he was leaving alone and was not a little kid anymore, so he didn't need his big sister tagging along. I am not sure why, but I feel as though Jerimiah is depressed. I think he feels neglected because he never had a mom or a dad who he grew up with in a loving household. I can't imagine he remembers my dad or anything related to having a father. Jerimiah has been so distant. School doesn't even start till August; it's only May, and he already packed and caught his flight. It was as if the only thing that stood between him and a future was this one signature. He left so abruptly it worried me. I haven't texted him or called him to see if he made it, and he hasn't offered any of that information either. Maybe he will meet a nice girl in SF, and I will have a sister-in-law to chat with. Maybe he will move back to Tampa and bring her here to live. I hope that one day, Jerimiah and I will find a way to break whatever barrier holds us back. I love my brother so much. He's all I have!

****

I pull up to the beach and park my car in front of a meter. I fill it with quarters and walk towards the sandy beach. I can smell the ocean and hear the waves crashing against the shore. It is a beautiful day, bright and sunny with a light breeze. I find my spot on the sandy beach and lay down a towel to sit on. I apply my sunscreen and search for my phone. Josh! Do I text him, or do I not text him? Ugh! I want to, but I know if I do, it could be bad. I decide to pull up our text thread. There it is in all its glory, the last text we ever sent to each other. I am a sucker, so deleting texts from him was never going to happen. Then the thought occurred to me, what if he had a new number? Omigosh, Kay, just send the text! I decide to be nice and send him a text that clearly shows I am still over him and happily moved on.

"Josh, hey, it's K! Just wanted to say I am so happy for you. I saw you found someone new. Hope you are well xo."

Phew! I can breathe now but feel sweaty. I am in panic mode. I decide I have to text someone else, but before I can, I get a reply. I am stunned! My phone shows one text unread from Josh! He responded. I am almost too afraid to open it and find out what it says. My hands are shaking, and I feel my mouth getting very dry. I decide I will read it and then not respond because I promised myself I would not do this, and I have to keep that promise. As I click to unlock my phone, my breathing gets shallow and heavy. I close my eyes and then open them, looking directly at the text.

"Who is Josh? Wrong number!"

Well, there's that. I feel myself returning to my normal state, but I am not sure if what I feel is relief or betrayal. Josh got a new number, and I have no clue what it is, and not only that, but I don't know what I expected from sending that text in the first place. I guess, in a way, I am glad he never saw it, and with that, I decide it is time to let go. I swipe right and hit the red delete button as fast as I can so I cannot change my mind. I can't help now but sit here and stare at my phone. That's it; just like that, he's gone. Gone like he never existed! You know what? I feel a lot better. I should've deleted those messages a long time ago. My day just got a whole lot better. I pop my earbuds in start the Apple Music playlist I made titled Relax K! And that is just what I do, soaking up the sun on the beach listening to sweet vibes of country music.