Blinded by Color

Chapter 18 Kayla

Today's tasks seem to never end. I have been all over trying to set up cable, turn on electricity, order furniture, hire movers, and buy all the stuff I need for an apartment. I am kind of freaking out about this major change I am making, but another part of me is feeling more secure and confident than ever. I went to Hobby Lobby and grabbed the cutest décor ever. My little bathroom will be lots of bright oranges. I chose a starfish theme since it's fitting for Florida. I wanted something to spruce it up since I chose a dark gray and blush living room. My couch is a beautiful charcoal color, and it has two recliners, one on each end of the loveseat. I picked out pillows with a chevron pattern that are gray, blush, and white. My coffee table is glass with silver legs, and I found the most perfect fake flowers at Hobby Lobby with a beautiful vase to put in the center. I opted for sheer curtains to allow lots of light and did a gray twisted curtain at the top for added design. My kitchen is going to be blue like the ocean. I found the best pots and pans I could for the low at Target and added a few plates and silverware to match. I think the kitchen will complement my living room perfectly. I do not have space for a table, but I do have a bar, so I purchased two bar stools that are blue leather from Rooms to Go. Since I have no bedroom in my studio apartment, I purchased a blow-up mattress just in case I want to use it or have someone over. Maybe Jerimiah will come home and want to stay with me. I just wanted to have one on hand. I will be sleeping on my new super comfortable couch. It's extra plush, and when I recline back, I feel like I am lying in a bed. It goes so far! The apartment is mine come Saturday, and I am trying to gather up what I need for move-in day. My room is in boxes and looks like a mess. I am going through all my stuff, stuff I haven't seen for years in my closet, and I come across a card from my dad. It was just before he died. He bought me a card because I had a bad day at school. Kids were making fun of me for wanting to dress up as a baseball player zombie for Halloween. I will never forget that day. I came home crying and ran to my room. I sat on my bed with my hands holding my face in my lap, just devasted. My dad came home early that night, and when he came to see me, he could tell I had been crying. He took me out for ice cream that night, just the two of us. When I woke up the next morning, I had a card that read, 'Be who you were meant to be, because I love whoever that person is, and I always will.' Inside, he wrote me a note, "My dearest Kayla, I want you to know that you can be whoever and whatever you want in life. Sometimes people will not like your choices, but stand behind them and never give up without a fight." As I read the card, tears filled my eyes. I missed him more now than ever. I needed him to tell me it was okay to move out and to stand behind this decision and that Mom would be okay and I was not abandoning her. I have a tremendous amount of guilt for wanting to leave. I held the card to my chest and cried. I couldn't stop crying. I was hurting like it happened yesterday. I felt empty, and I wanted to make the pain stop. My heart ached for my dad and all of his advice and love. I would give anything to have him back.

I quickly wiped my face and put the photo away when I heard the screen door slam. I jumped up to see who it was, and of course, it was my mother. She was half sober and talking about some woman who disrespected her at the grocery store. I could only imagine what the clerk's story was compared to my mother's. I walked down the short hallway to our kitchen and saw her standing at the stove, lighting a cigarette.

"Hey, Mom."

She looked up and inhaled a puff of smoke that she slowly exhaled while staring at me. "Aren't you supposed to be at work or something?"

I wasn't even sure how to answer that since I haven't told her yet that I am moving out. I decided it was now or never.

"No, actually, I am packing up my things. I'm moving out on Saturday. I found a nice studio apartment downtown."

She didn't even flinch. I was nervous by how silent she was, just puffing her cigarette and not saying a word. Finally, she looked up at me and then ashed her cigarette in the sink. I stood so still you could have painted me.

"Well, I guess it's for the better. I don't need nobody around here telling me what to do all day and night. You ain't much help no way, always working and telling me I need rehab. I'm glad you and your brother will be gone. Now I don't have to feed nobody but me!"

I was a bit confused by her remarks. She hasn't bought food or cooked for Jerimiah and me in twelve years or more. She was in no way a mother who took care of her children and stayed home worrying where we were. I guess this was her way of dealing with the fact that her children were leaving her. I walked towards her and put my arms around her, making sure to not burn myself with the lit end of her cigarette that was practically gone. She put one arm around me, and then I whispered, "I love you, Mom," and with that, I kissed her cheek and let her go.

I returned to my room to continue packing while she sat watching TV, and I knew she probably passed out from pulling an all-nighter and day drinking. My mom had a very routine schedule; I always knew where I could find her and what she would be doing. As I was packing listening to Taylor Swift's Pandora Radio, I got a text from Nivea. I felt awful because the last time we spoke, I was not genuinely nice to her. I opened the messaging app and read the longest text I think she has ever sent me.

"Kay, listen, we have to talk. I don't care how busy you are or if you want to be alone or whatever you got going on. This is serious! It's about your dad. I think you need to know some things, and I'm not sure how you will take them, but I have news that is going to change your life. Also, you need to get in touch with Jerimiah. He should know the news, and then the two of you should talk. LMK when ur free."

I had to read this text multiple times to make sure I understood it correctly. Nivea was not one for lengthy messages. I normally got one or two words. This was crazy. I had a lot going on already with moving, and now this. I was hoping that it was just another one of Niv's ploys to start some drama. However, a big part of me knew that when it came to my father's death, Niv would never play games. What she did recently with Josh was just Niv being Niv, but this seemed different and genuine. Why would I need to contact Jerimiah? I took a deep breath and decided to text back, "Hey, I'm off today. Are you around? I can meet you now."

I waited to see her reply, and it came right through, "Come to my shop." Now, this response was a normal type Niv text. I figured it couldn't be too serious if I was going to the shop. She wouldn't put my business out there to her clients. I got up and changed my clothes really quickly to look suitable in public and then grabbed my keys and left.