| torn up

~ chapter 45 ☁️

I sense myself stop still at the last question that crosses my mind, my brain freezing for a second at the thought. While I would very much like for him to release me right now since I was much more comfortable earlier not holding hands with him like this, a small part of me almost likes it? I feel myself pale at the idea of even the concept of me wanting to hold hands with someone like Eli.

It's true though. As much as his hand admittedly does feel a little suffocating on mine  and as much as the notion of our current position is laying heavy and burdensome over me, I also am almost low-key appreciating the comfort and warmth his hand is providing.

I will that small part of my brain to catch up with the rest of myself that feels nervous and anxious in his hold, the way I should be feeling right now but it just won't. Looking at his hand over mine feels troublesome and stomach turning, yes. And yet the picture of it is also is making an unexplainable warmth blossom in the pit of my stomach too. I try and tell myself that's it's just because I'm an affectionate person, which is true. I'm always linking arms with my friends and whatnot. I guess I'm just a person who appreciates that kind of physical touch, yes, that must be the only reason why some part of me doesn't want to let go.

My shoulders are beginning to feel heavy under the invisible pressure of trying to convince myself of things that I'm not even really confident in. And I can tell that if I don't distract myself soon that I'll just end up driving myself crazy. I try to busy myself by peering out into the night, recognising the streets we fly by and noting that we should be at my home soon. Eventually though when this distraction tactic fails and my mind just ends up lingering back to the whole hand holding thing, I decide to open my mouth again and be the one to disrupt the calmness that has momentarily settled over us.

'I mean it though. I am still a bit weary around him, I mean I don't really know him, do I? But he seems much more friendly than I would have expected, at least compared to what people say.' I eventually manage out in relation to our earlier conversation on Alexander, willing for my voice to sound just as as normal and carefree as it had a moment ago so that Eli doesn't suspect anything.

'I don't think the words 'Alexander' and 'friendly' quite belong in the same sentence.' Eli muses with a small grin before suddenly turning to me and titling his head in a notion of new found curiosity. 'What about me though, huh? I'm sure you hear all the talk in the girls bathroom and stuff. Am I better than the gossip too?'

He awaits with bright, alert eyes, eager to hear what our school's female population thinks about him which is odd considering that you'd have thought with the amount of girls throwing themselves at him that he would already understood this all too entirely by now. I know what he wants to hear, whether it actually is the truth or not which to be fair it is in this case, Eli's cocky self esteem wants to hear me tell him all about how every girl in school is just dying to be his girlfriend- well not today, Eli.

'Absolutely not.'

'You break my heart, Willy.' He tuts airily, letting out a dramatic sigh as he flops back into his seat but I can tell from the small smirk upon his face that he actually disagrees with my answer.

So I of course decide to use this chance to rile him up even further.

'You're like the smaller, less violent but more angrier version of Alexander.' I announce smugly, watching the way he instantly sits up a little straighter in his seat.

'What the fuck?' He angrily demands in shock, his attention now truly set on me, eyes shifting in outrage between the road and my own and hand squeezing onto mine just that little bit tighter.

'Hey! That's not coming from me, just how I've heard people describe you before. You don't need to get your knickers in a twist, Eli.' I snicker, purposefully using his earlier words against him for the fun of it as he grumbles beneath his breath, obviously unimpressed with my explanation.