a reason to die

follow him

i got inside the house and locked the door on my way in and my mom was standing there with a confused look on her face .

" who was that hot boy ? " she asked leaving me confused ,
" he is a guy from school " I said as I headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water ,
" is he your boyfriend ? " she asked with shock in her eyes ,
" no , he actually isn't , my car broke down and he gave me a ride  "I said weirded out by her curiosity  ,

" oh I was shocked , you don't deserve a hot jock like him , you're too fat  " she said casually as she went up the stairs to her bedroom .

i stood there not knowing what to do with myself and I ran upstairs to my room and went to my draw .

i took out a sharp blade and starting drawing until my strength got drained out  and all I could do was lay on my blood and cry my eyes out until i fell asleep .

.                   .                   .                   .                   .

i woke up at around 5am and since i knew i wouldn't be falling asleep again I just decided to head for the shower .

i dampened my cloth and wiped the blood off of my wrists and searched for a t - shirt with long sleeves making a mental note to change my bed sheet after school and luckily it was a friday .

i went downstairs to drink some water and sat there on the kitchen counter wondering what I lacked so badly . fuck no , no self pity , no , no , no .

" are you nuts that's marble ! " my mom yelled across the kitchen and I quickly got off and she looked so natural yet not .

her hair was combed to perfection and she had no make up on , and she looked so gorgeous I felt a pang of envy in my chest .

how did everyone do it ? how did they effortlessly look beautiful after waking up ? when I woke up my eyes were always swollen , my entire face actually , I'm not sure if it's from crying or something .

i always have these lines on my face and messy hair , yet somehow , people woke up pretty which just amazes me and i really wish the same would happen to me , it would be great .

" sorry " i mumbled as I headed uo the stairs but I couldn't help but hear her mutter under her breath ,
" why did I keep her " and I just walked faster and locked the door .

i got fully dressed and make my bed . i was ready to head to school but i remembered dickface took my car keys and didn't replace them .

i let out an annoyed grin and decided to change backpacks , it's like a thing we did as the ' popular ' kids , show off your parents' wealth and you'll be loved .

i took tape and tightly wrapped it around my thighs and put on a pair of jeans and sneakers . i took my waist belt and tightly sucked in my stomach before draping it around myself .

i wore a black long sleeved top and a hoodie because I felt so under the weather today , more than usual and my period was approaching which was fun and that reminded me to take some pads and stuff them in my backpack .

i went to the mirror and saw the swelling of my eyes was reducing and i decided that I'd be taking the bus since my mom would never drop me off , she's embarrassed to be seen with me but it's okay .

i headed towards the window to open them and let some fresh air in and i lost the ability to breath , it was as if this air wasn't working , i saw his car outside my house and it was empty .

i hurriedly grabbed my empty back pack and ran towards the stairs when I saw his sitting at our kitchen table eating pancakes ? what ? mom actually made breakfast for someone ?

" what are you doing here ? " i said shocked and annoyed and he only smiled at me and continued chewing on his pancakes and i stood there patiently , well not exactly , and waited for his reply .

" I'm taking you to school , your car has been giving you hassles and it's at school so . . . " he said as he continued eating and my mom approached from her bedroom in a black pencil skirt and a black blazer with a white shirt and red and black pencil heels .

" woah you look gorgeous  " dickface said to my mom and she gave him her signature smile ,
" why thank you , I'm not used to compliments in this house , someone is a little jealous " she said and shot a quick glare at me

" I would be too " he said smiling and something felt like it broke in my heart , it felt like he was admitting that I was infact jealous of her which i swear i wasn't , I mean I envied her from time to time but that's it .

" are you ready ? " he asked with a smile and I just nodded not having any rude remarks to throw at him . i headed towards the door and just took a long breath , it's just a few hours of school I told myself .

my mom grabbed my arm and I flinched at the painful impact and she pressed harder as if she knew what layed beneath her hand .

" he is too good for you , you don't deserve him so don't you dare ruin this . " she said and went back to her bedroom and i stood there with tears forming in my eyes .

i roughly wiped them and headed towards his car and opened the passenger door . i looked out of the window through out the whole ride refusing to even look at him .

" hey , are you okay ? you haven't said anything through out the whole car ride " he asked and i could feel his eyes burning holes on my back .

" yeah let's just go . " i said as tears formed again and i swiftly wiped them without him noticing .
" what the fuck ?  " he asked as he brought the car to an abrupt stop .

this time i actually looked at him with furrowed eyebrows bit understanding what i had done this time around  .
" what ? " i asked suddenly feeling very self conscious about myself .

" your arm , it's , well , bleeding " he said with an angry scowl on his face and I looked down at the arm my mom grabbed ever so violently and cursed at myself internally that i messed in his car .

" I'm sorry I'll get it cleaned up after school " i said looking at the suddenly interesting car mat below my feet .
" but it's bleeding now " he said confusing me entirely ,
" I was talking about the car " i said looking at him again trying to keep my expression neutral ,

" i don't give a fuck about the stupid car I'm worried about you , who did this ? when ? " he said and I just stared at him dumbfounded , did he care ?