a reason to die

knock and run

after an hour of running i finally arrived on the other , ' ghetto ' side of town at hunter's house .

hunter , my ex boyfriend , and i met through my brother . they were best friends and he was always at our house whenever lucas was home .

him and i got close all thanks to my brother and we haven't spoken in a while . now everything my mother said might have been true but there's one thing she was wrong about , hunter dating me for ' fame ' .

hunter and i dated when i was at my worst , not when i lost weight . in fact me being popular is what led to our break up . he thought i was taking the whole weight loss thing too far and i was losing myself .

i loved hunter , i developed a crush on him when i was thirteen , he was perfect . he was everything that lucas was minus the picture perfect family and being the perfect child .

in fact that's the only way they differed . hunter didn't play by the rules and it just made me want him more and more .

everything started when lucas became the golden child but that wasn't the problem , the problem started when i started getting neglected by our parents . heck it felt like they were his parents instead of mine and i envied him .

i envied how he always did the right thing , how he always looked perfect in everyone's eyes and eventually he started to think i was too inferior to hang out with him .

dont get me wrong i loved lucas but that doesnt mean i didnt see his faults . i've been at the recieving of his wrath multiple times but he always made up for it , even if it dawned upon him weeks later , i forgave him because he was all i had .

i remember when lucas and i were fighting over whether i needed to lose weight or not after i was pinned down by some girls in the toilets and they used sharpie on my white dress to draw what size i was supposed to be and i went home crying to lucas whilst he was hanging out with hunter .

i still have that dress yet the incident happened in sixth grade . that was the day lucas took my side and told me if i truly wanted to lose weight it was up to me to decide and they argued back and forth on the topic at hand .

i stood for thirty minutes in front of hunter's door , contemplating if whether i should knock or not . i haven't spoken to him in two months how dare i show up at his door step ?

i rang the bell then waited for 5 minutes before i quickly walked away to a place i know not of .

i walked into a random bar filled with intimidating men and hot women with tattoos . bikers . i headed towards the bar and felt a presence behind me .

" you're always looking for danger aren't you ? " it's him . how did he find me ? how did he know I'm here ?

" hunter . " i breathed out and turned around before he basically ambushed me into a hug and inhaled my scent .
" i thought you were the delivery guy but then again , delivery guys don't run away after ringing the doorbell . " he chuckled into my hair .

i felt safe . like i was in a safe space where no one could ever hurt me . he wrapped my legs around his torso and walked out of there carrying me like that , like i weighed absolutely nothing .

we went back to his place and his parents were away on a work trip , nothing new there .

he gently layed me down on my back on his bed and layed next to me on his side with his hand over my stomach .

" what happened cookie ? " he asked whilst his other hand played with my hair .

" can we talk about it later ? i just need some comfort right now '' i said snuggling closer to him .

he didn't say anything afterwards instead he just pulled me closer and hugged me then came the tear train .

i cried because my mother hated me , i cried because i wasn't enough , i cried because i could not be loved by anyone and i cried because evallyn wasn't here to comfort me .

i hated to admit it but he was growing on me and it sucked because i wasn't willing to let him get access to me again , i didn't want to bring him down with me .

" hunter ? " i whispered .
" yes cookie ? " he answered with a raspy voice that would have made my panties wet had i not been in such a dilemma .

" did - did you stick around with me because you felt bad for me ? " i voiced out and more tears swelled into my eyes . i hated being this vulnerable and all i wanted was for someone to whisper sweet nothing into my ears .

" no , i love you . i love your wild curls , i love your huge eyes really they make you look like an deer caught in headlights . " he chuckled and i flicked his arm .

" shut up hunter . " i said with a wide grin . mom might have been wrong , maybe someone does love me in this crazy, fucked up world .