Semper Fidelis

Chapter 17.1

mea culpa (noun)
my fault

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Chapter 17

Hermione heard the sound of someone reading before she noticed anything else. The steady cadence of a voice so familiar read a passage she knew all too well from a book she had loved so much.

"Eventually, a serious argument arose between Slytherin and Gryffindor regarding the subject and such was the acrimony of the disagreement, Slytherin left the school for good. The legend of the Chamber of Secrets arises from Slytherin's departure..."

She opened her eyes and saw the moonlight streaming through a large window on the wall beside her. She could see the stars twinkling brightly in the night sky and knew she wasn't in Athens anymore. The walls of her surroundings extended to such a staggering height and held up a vaulted ceiling proudly hanging a chandelier.

She had been in this same position before; laying on a bed here in this room. The same view greeted her after she woke so many years ago after being petrified. The tears sprung to her eyes when she realized she was at Hogwarts.

She was back.

The voice coming from the side of her bed continued its reading. With a stiff neck, Hermione turned her head to the right. The reader's head was bowed as they poured over Hogwarts, A History, but Hermione would recognize that messy mop of hair from anywhere as well as the voice.

"James," she called. Her voice was barely above a whisper, but the boy heard and the retelling of the Chamber of Secrets immediately stopped.

His head jerked upwards and Hermione was greeted with the stunned look of her son. The tears spilled when James shot up from his seat and engulfed her in a tight embrace with a loud cry.

"Mum!" 

It wasn't just her crying now. She could feel James shake as he burrowed himself into her side. She hugged him as tightly as her wound would allow not caring about the sharp pain emitting from her side.

God, she had missed him.

"Oh, love," Hermione whispered, closing her eyes. "It's okay, baby. I'm okay. I'm so sorry for making you worry."

James held on. The hand stroking his back up and down was calming but the relief at seeing her awake was still so overwhelming. The past few days were taxing on the little boy. He went from celebrating the magical holiday of Hallowe'en to having his mum abducted. For two days he lived in fear and thought that he wouldn't see her again. He was calmed when she was brought to Hogwarts only to learn that she had been shot and was gravely injured. Then he thought that she would never wake up again.

So many scenarios flashed through his mind throughout all of this. Images of him without his mum. Images of him being all alone. She was his world and he wouldn't know what to do without her.

He couldn't bear to lose another parent.

"I was so scared I wouldn't see you again," James whimpered. He brushed a hand over his face and looked at Hermione with reddened eyes. "I thought I'll be all alone."

That broke her. Hermione drew him tightly against her and the mother and son held on to each other for comfort. No words were necessary at that moment as they reassured each other that everything was okay. Hermione whispered sweet nothings into James' ears as he cried in her embrace. Her own tears spilled as she held onto him, her hand absentmindedly stroking his hair.

How could she ever make it up to him?

What she did was foolish and... it was all for what?

Hermione knew she should have gone to the proper authorities the moment she learned that the staff she found was enchanted. She should have alerted the Ministry of Magic of her discovery and that a man was hell-bent on finding it and using it.

But she didn't.

She could say it was because of her thirst for knowledge. She could say it was because she was curious at what the staff could do.

But that would be a lie because the real reason was that she was scared. She was scared of being found out. She was scared of the wizarding world knowing that Hermione Jane Granger was still alive.

And she was scared of Harry learning what she had done.

But look at where that had taken her now?

She was a coward and an idiot to the point of endangering herself and shaking her son's whole world.

Hermione cried with James. Her sobs mixed with his own and she decided then and there that she would do anything to make it up to him. He was the most important being in her world and she had been a truly lousy mother. 

"I'm so sorry, James," she whispered. "I wasn't thinking properly. I shouldn't have put myself in danger like that. I'm sorry, love." She squeezed him tighter.

James' sobs quieted down and he leaned back from the hug to look at his mum. She looked so small and so worried and so weak. She looked so very unlike the woman who took him to his football games back in London; the one who cheered him on from the sidelines and insisted on lugging his whole kit for him after his games. She looked so different from the woman who bestowed upon him his passion for reading, who would walk out of any bookstore with at least ten books in her arms.

The only other time he had seen his mum so broken down was...

It was that summer. It was the summer he learned about magic and the summer she first spoke of his dad.

"Mum," James whispered. "We have to talk."