gureshin - the lavenders that grow on your porch

cafeteria drama

[shinya's pov]

warning - self-hate

Being a Hiragi is energy-consuming. Especially if you happen to be the adopted one.

First of all, we get enough attention than we need. Mahiru probably receives more than 1,000 love letters a day. I seriously don't know how her books are not lost in the sea of letters that are shoved into her locker every day. Kureto has received his fair share of letters as well, it seems most of the girls prefer the strong and silent type. Even Seishiro and Shinoa (she's in primary school for God's sake) have some people crushing on them. Yes, you heard me, Seishiro.

And here's the catch. You might be wondering, how many love letters have I received? I don't look too shabby if I'm being honest. No, scratch that, I think I look amazing. No one else in the school has hair as white and eyes as bright as mine. But how many love letters have I gotten? 

The only letters I've gotten are long essays depicting how much my classmates hate me. As if I need reminding.

All the 'friendships' I have are toxic. They pretend to be nice in front of the teacher when we're doing group work but in reality, they leave me in the dust. My foster family doesn't even pay attention to me, either. Kureto always ignores me, Seishiro bullies me, Mahiru acts like I'm the funniest person in the world in front of everyone but shoves me around at home. The only person who's nice to me is Shinoa, but she's on a different campus, and I've been called weak many times over because the only friend I have is a primary schooler.

In other words, school sucks.

The students suck. The teachers suck. My foster siblings (not including Shinoa, love you l'il sis) suck. My family sucks. People suck. 

Life sucks.

From the moment I knew that I was getting accepted into the Hiragi family, my whole world crumbled apart. I had to leave my family in the orphanage and go through brutal training just so I could be betrothed to the snake of a woman Mahiru Hiragi. She denied and I denied, thank God, but for some reason, I'm still here. I'm still a Hiragi. Or not even half a Hiragi, as Seishiro keeps reminding me every time he catches me in the back alley behind their mansion. Yes, their mansion. It'll never be mine. It'll never be ours. I'll never feel like I'm at home unless I can somehow find a way to turn back time and return to the orphanage I was once so happy at.

But I never told anyone this. I never told anyone how I feel, or about the hatred I have towards the Hiragi family. I haven't vented out my true feelings to the beautiful little exception, Shinoa. Not my real feelings.

And no one will ever know. No one will ever care, for that matter. Maybe Shinoa. But she never interferes when Seishiro beats me up in the back alley. She never interferes when Mahiru purposefully makes me look dumb in front of everyone. She never interferes when Kureto's harsh words cut through my heart every time he criticizes me. I don't blame her, but sometimes I wonder if she actually cares, or if she's pulling a Hiragi move, putting on a fake face, and pretending. 

I find it ironic. I will never be a Hiragi. I will never be half a Hiragi. Or even a quarter. Yet, I am doing what the Hiragi's do best. I manipulate people. I make them think about something when in reality I am doing something else. I put on a fake face.

I put on a fake face every time I walk into school. That fake face has a smile. That fake face has beautiful, neat snow-white hair. That fake face has a small twinkle in his big, sky-blue eyes. That fake face isn't me, yet it's what keeps me together. Without that fake face, I fall apart. 

Even though the fake face protects my image, it doesn't protect me. Every time I get beaten up I receive the bruises, not him. Every time harsh words enter my ears it's my heart that cracks open, not his. Every time I had enough and lock myself in the bathroom to let it all out, it's my tears that roll down my cheeks, and not his.