gureshin - the lavenders that grow on your porch

brother

[guren's pov]

I checked my phone. He didn't even read them.

It's been a week since my father's funeral and Shinya is nowhere to be seen. He didn't show up for school and even the Hiragi's don't seem to know where he is. Mahiru tells me that he never came home that night after the funeral.

I started to worry during the first few days. I ran the possibilities through my head - did he get abducted when he ran off? Or did he run away voluntarily? When will he come back?

But maybe those are the wrong questions to be asked. Maybe I should be asking: will he ever come back?

"Where do you think Shinya is?" I ask Sayuri and Shigure, who are eating dinner with me. They started to stay here more often, especially after my father passed.

Shigure shrugs and pokes at her curry, "He probably ran off." She gives me an expectant look.

Sayuri nods, "Yes, probably. Just give him time. Maybe he is mad at something."

"Or someone," Shigure mutters.

I put down my chopsticks. I'm getting tired of Shigure and Sayuri being salty and expecting me to understand what they are implying (it's mostly Shigure but whatever), "You've been at this for days, Shigure. You too, Sayuri. Let's cut to the chase - what the hell do you want to tell me?"

Sayuri looks a bit guilty. I feel a little bad but I need to know. 

Shigure puts down her chopsticks as well and looks me straight in the eye. Shigure is probably a head shorter than me but she can somehow still look down at me. It's very unerving.

"You know what we mean, Guren-sama," Shigure says, "and you also know it's partially your fault he's missing, too."

Deep down, I know she's right. There's a part of me that acknowledges it but the rest of me chooses to ignore it. I don't say anything.

She continues, "The boy has a huge crush on you and you know it. But you had to go ahead and date his sister without even acknowledging him! At this point, I'm not sure if you're dating Mahiru because you love her or because she looks pretty."

I clench my fists under my table. I'm not dating Mahiru because she's pretty! I'm into her because she...

What, I hear my voice in my head say, because she was there for you when your father passed?

Sure, she happened to be there when the police arrived. Sure, she offered to grab some drinks when you came out of the hospital. 

But didn't Shinya do the same too? He would have been there if he wasn't taking Byakomaru to the vet. 

When has Mahiru really been there for you, Guren Ichinose? Because she sure as hell didn't care when you got beaten up in front of her at school.

She sure as hell didn't stop your classmates from throwing apples and cans in your face that day in the cafeteria.

And she sure as hell didn't stay behind and be late for class to help you clean up.

Who stayed behind, if not Mahiru?

All along I had knew the answer yet I had chose to ignore it.

What a stubborn, selfish man I am.

"But why did he run away?" I ask, almost to myself, "I didn't hurt him that much, did I?"

Up to this point, Sayuri was quiet. She was busy eating her plate of curry, but now she put down her spoon and stared at her empty bowl and said softly, "Well, it isn't like you know what it feels like when somebody you love doesn't love you the same way, right, Guren-sama?"

It's silent when Sayuri gets up to wash her bowl in the kitchen. I feel like my heart was hollowed out by the words she said, but I guess that's what she feels everyday when I hardly bat an eye at her.

I guess that's what Shinya felt that day in the cemetery.

Does he feel the same way now?

Is his heart hollow because of my selfish actions?

What a stubborn, selfish man I am.

I want to get up from the table and comfort Sayuri, but I cannot move my body. Somehow I feel like my words will not help her anyway.

"Please excuse me," I choke out. I walk stiffly out of the dining room and into my room.

What the hell have you done, Guren Ichinose? the voice in my head said.

You've managed to screw everything up. The girl you're dating doesn't love you and you sure as hell don't love her back. 

And you've managed to scare away the person who you always knew, deep down, was meant for you.

Because it wasn't Mahiru Hiragi who stayed behind that day in the cafeteria.

Because it wasn't Mahiru Hiragi who smiled at you in the hallway.

Because it wasn't Mahiru Hiragi who sees you as Guren Ichinose and not another pretty boy.

It wasn't Mahiru Hiragi and it will never be.

It's her damn brother. 

I swear under my breath (this is a family friendly fanfic! no swearing here, guren). What the hell am I supposed to do now?

My life is a mess and it's no one's fault but mine. 

"Well, it isn't like you know what it feels like when somebody you love doesn't love you the same way, right, Guren-sama?" Sayuri's voice still rings in my head. 

Love...

"Love is a bad, bad business," I hear Shinya's voice as well, "hey, can we add that in the speech? I got that from How to Train Your Dragon."

Love...

... 

...Speech?

My gaze is dragged towards a stack of papers on my desk. The stack of papers that I have painstakingly worked on for the past few months. 

The stack of papers that I never took out of the room since they day Shinya disappeared from the cemetery.

I grabbed the very same stack of papers and flipped through them.

Then I threw them against the wall. (he's so hip)

Months and months of energy and time, all thrown against the wall. The papers flew everywhere and I stared at the ceiling until they all settled on the floor, like the fluttering of white doves at a wedding. 

I walk slowly towards my desk and take a few scraps of empty paper.

I pick up my pencil.

And I begin to write.

a/n: by the way, the 'he's so hip' part was written by my friend haha

ooh whats guren going to do now? probably mess up his love life even more lmfao