Koroshiya 殺し屋 ⋮ Fushiguro Toji

Chapter 24

Toji steps onto the porch of his home.

"I don't know what this is but whatever it is, I don't want it anymore."

Your words struck him in an almost unbearable way and your voice plagued his mind like a broken record. It was all he could think about. He thought he'd never feel these types of emotions again. Distress and anguish that is. It's definitely something he hasn't felt for the past 15 years since his wife had passed. The man even promised to never put himself into a situation that would lead him to feel these unpleasant things again. But yet he had somehow, subconsciously, allowed it. This gnawing sensation in his chest, it was almost inconsolable.

Toji thinks back to his previous decent and untroubled life before you came along. He was fine with his short-lived relationships with random women. It wasn't exactly a great life but he could have died that way without any complaints. But then the guy starts to ponder. Lately, you seem to come to mind more often than not. He thinks about how compelling your features are. He thinks about your smell, your touch and how mesmerizing it is. Even the irresistible taste of your lips was something he could not easily rid of.

The man pulls out a cigarette, he was in dire need of a smoke—anything to rid him of the unnerving sensation building in his chest.

They say a mind that has been stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. Toji, he doesn't want to go back to his monthly flings, only to deal with women he didn't give a damn about. None of those women before were able to hold his attention for long and the man would leave in a heartbeat if they ever showed him any signs of wanting to commit. How could he ever go back to that, knowing his experience with you was one of his most memorable. The man doesn't care if he's already experienced every inch of you (and not just physically). He wanted it again—over and over again.

Toji leans his arms against the balustrade, his hand and cigarette dangles as he stares out into the night. His gaze fixes on the translucent mists burning from the tip of his tobacco as the gears turn in his head. He doesn't understand your decision. You want him don't you? The look was evident in your eyes. He could tell. There was noway his intuition and perception was failing him now. He scratches the back of his head with his free hand and curses under his breath.

The man pushes himself off the rail of the porch. He takes a seat on the outdoor furniture and continues to take long breaths of his smoke. He exhales just as long.

He keeps telling himself that you'll eventually find your way back to him but similarly, he feels a slight sense of doubt. The guy, he feels like he's overthinking. He hates it, all of it. Hates the fact that someone or anyone could make him feel this way. He tries to shake away the infatuation.

The man finishes his smoke. He throws it to the ground and puts it out with his shoe. For a second, he contemplates picking up his cigarette butt off the porch, so that he doesn't need to hear Megumi's criticizing words come tomorrow. But it's Toji that we're talking about. So, he leaves it there.

Toji runs his hands down his face as he leans back onto the backrest, he continues to stew in his thoughts. The front door swings open abruptly and Megumi's head appears.

"Dad." The boy's actually concerned for once, "Aren't you coming inside?"

"In a bit."

"What are you doing out here?" The boy asks and then he bends over to pick up the trash, "And what did I say about this?"