Ma Fille Chérie | Billie Eilish

neuf

a/n:

sorry dior for giving u teasersss i wont n e more :(

here you go madison yw 

nearly 1k reads omg thankyou <33

okay but i want a little billie to put in my pocket, anyone else?

also got my covid-19 vaccine & my arm hurts like a bitch :(

billie eilish, november 1st

los angeles | CA

"uhm, can i ask you something?"

after a while of talking, her tumblr started creeping back into my mind. "of course, always my angel" lilou smiled. "bro, could you not" i groaned. "sorry," she giggled. i shook my head at her. "just ask your question billie!" lilou said.

lilou has like no patience which is kinda funny to watch.

"damn, alright" i laughed, "so like when i was looking at your tumblr- wait start again, what does  the hashtags on your tumblr mean?" 

"which ones?"  she asked. "uhm, i dunno let me send you a screenshot" i said. it was half true. i was low-key scared to say them out loud though incase it was something stupid. i sent the photo to her and waited for her reaction. 

her face fell a little. "oh... uhm that..." she said scratching her head. "is it bad?" i asked watching her. "no, but uhm i don't know if i'm ready to tell you or you're ready to know" she said propping her phone back up. 

"well, i think its better to know sooner rather than later, lilou" i said. she bit her lip trying not to laugh. "did i say it wrong?" i cringed. "yeah, but it's okay, you say it like lee-loo, yeah?" she said. i nodded. 

"are you sure you wanna know?" she asked going back to the question. i nodded, "yeah"

"okay, well, i am in this community of people called age regressors" she explained. i didn't say anything but stared at her, (and maybe her chest too) waiting for her to continue. "and i'm not an age regressor but they are people, who mentally regress to a younger age as a coping mechanism" lilou said. 

"what? like they act like babies?" i asked. "well, yes and no, it depends on your head space  but i am a caregiver to these age regressors" she said. i was very confused. "wait so they are the little kid and you're like the mom?" i asked. she nodded biting her lip, but not trying to laugh this time. 

she was scared.

"oh, cool" i shrugged not making it a big deal or anything. well, it wasn't and didn't need to be. i wanted to move on for her sake but i was kinda intrigued now.  i couldn't help but ask, "uhm, could you tell me more about it?" 

"oh okay, what do you wanna know?" lilou asked. "like more about the age regression thing" i said. "okay, uhm so when something is overwhelming or scary or sometimes it just happens, the regressor 'slips' into a headspace younger than their real one, per-say" lilou said. 

"what kinda stuff makes them 'slip'?"

"uh, like the stuff i said just then and pet names, maybe certain phrases too" she said. now i was really curious.

"is there like a set age you have to 'slip' to?" i asked. "no, not at all, everyone's different" lilou said. i nodded, "so what's some of the phrases and names?" 

lilou paused. "uh, i've been calling you some of them..."

"oh. that's why" i laughed a little. "do you want me to stop?" she asked chewing her lower lip anxiously. "no, it's fine, just makes me very flustered" i said making her giggle. 

"i know"

i rolled my eyes, "what are some of the phrases then?" 

"uhm, depends on the person but generally maybe talking to to them about yourself in third person, like 'lilou's gonna grab that for you' and uhm using 'little one' or 'little girl' in sentences" she said.

listening to that made me feel some type of way, although i hate to admit it. another fucking thing to figure out about myself.

but, maybe this is what it's been all along.

am i an age regressor?