Best Mistake (Someone somewhere in this world)

Chapter 18 - Pain

All I've been feeling is pain. Pain, pain, pain and pain again.

All I've been doing is crying. Crying, crying, crying and crying again.

All I've been saying is nothing.

In school I've been hardly paying attention and my panic attacks got even worst. My mum has to drive me to school now because I can't be in a bus anymore.

Keira and I only talk through text. Adam gives me space but texts me daily. I of course text him but except for him and Keira, I talk to no one else.

It the day of my father funeral. I stand in front of my mirror look at my red eyes, my pale face and my black dress. Since dad died, I've been hardly eating and I got skinnier. I go downstairs to where my mum, Luke and some relatives are.

No one says anythings and my mum already cried many times today. We drive to the cemetery and when we get out of the car, snow is falling.

It's just a small funeral. Family and close friends. Keira, Sam and Adam are also here. Each of my relatives has a white rose. Mum, Luke and I have a red one.

The ceremony starts and the siblings of my father are quietly crying. Mum is also crying while Luke rubs her back. We sit in the first row, right in front of the coffin. Family are in the front rows and friends are further behind. Mum allowed Adam to sit next to me and we hold hands. I don't cry. I cried every tear out the last few days and also in the morning. I cried every tear and now I can't cry anymore.

The priest is talking and after him, Luke goes up the podium and holds a wonderful speech. After him, my grandma, my father mum. She flew in for the funeral of her only son. After her is my dad's youngest sister's turn. Altogether my dad has 3 sister and they are all here. Everyone holds a wonderful speech. Mother won't hold a speech because it would hurt too much.

It's my turn next. I stand up and go the the podium. I look into everyones faces and to the coffin. It is open and I can see my dad inside. Since the pushed the bed with him in it out of the room in the hospital I haven't seen him until now. I feel the tears wanting to come out but I try to stay strong. My hands are shake and sweat. I take a deep breath and then start my speech: "I - I tried to avoid this... situation as much as I could but... I couldn't" I take a deep breath and continue "The thing is that I could tell you stories of my... AMAZING father, but I won't. As much as my dad... loved to hear stories, I won't tell one. Now, you may ask why and well, I won't tell a story because - because it will make me cry. And dad said that I should be strong and I am. I am, dad. I'm strong.

So this - this is all I have to say" I take a piece of paper out of the coat that I'm wearing. "Last night, I found a wonderful text on... tumblr:

Everything hurts.

Physically and mentally.

It hurts to know that someone you loved... so much is never coming back. It hurts, knowing that all the memories... you've had with them" I read out and start to cry "is now all you have left and all you have to treasure... You should never take someone for granted, especially - especially not someone you - you love because one day,... you might not be able to hear their voice anymore... " I wipe my tears away and take another deep breath. "The last words of my wonderful father were: I - I love you, family. And my... last words to him were: I love you, dada. Because I do AND one last lesson he gave to me was... No actually two last lessons. One being that... as a father he knew everything. Literally everything. And the second lesson is... that someone may leave earth... but never leaves the heart." with that, I leave the stage again and sit down between Luke and Adam.

The priest says something and then we all stand up. The priest closes the coffin. Everyone now says goodbye to my father and my aunties, uncles and cousins put the white rose on the coffin. Lastly, my mum and then Luke. Mum breaks into even more tears and I pull her into a hug.

"You're speech was wonderful" Mum says "You dad would have loved it" She kisses my cheek and then she and Luke go back to the car. Keira and Sam go back with them and in front of the coffin are only I and Adam left.

"He's my dad" I says and tears roll down my cheek again "I loved him"

"No, you still do. Because he's in your heart" Adam corrects me. His words make me smile and I'm sure it would have made my father smile too.

I put the rose on the coffin and step back. "I love you, dada" I say and Adam pulls me into a hug. I cry into his chest and he hold me in his arms.

"I love you too, Adam" I say.

"I love you even more, Elisabeth" He says and kisses my forehead. We then go back to the car and drive home.

At home, all the people that were on the funeral are now in our house. I tell Adam, Keira and Sam to wait for me in the kitchen while I walk around with my mum saying 'hello' to everyone.

Each person tells us a short story they share with my father which makes mum smile. For me though, every story someone tells, feels like a stab into my heart.

After that, I go the kitchen and get the others. With them, I go to my room.

Lately my room's been dark and dark and dark again. I haven't open the curtains until this morning and even then I closed them again before we left to drive to the funeral. I open the door and let them step in. On the floor next to my bed are tissues with all my tear. "Sorry for the mess" I say and close the door behind me. "I didn't found time to clean from all the crying" I say and open the curtains to let some light in.

"Don't say something like that" Keira says. I raise my eyebrows and sit down on my reading chair.

"Why it's true" I exclaim. "I cry and cry and cry and even when I thought I couldn't cry anymore I cry again"

No one says something. Keira sits down on my bed and Adam comes to me. He takes my hand and lifts me up. Then he sits down again and pulls me onto his lap. I rest my head on his cheat and quietly start to cry again. He strokes my head until I calmed down again. Then He plays with the end of my hair while I close my eyes and get lost in my thoughts.

I'm a wreak. All I do is crying. I should be strong but I can't. I can't be strong after all that happened. I don't understand why life has to be such a big b*tch. I don't understand why another family member had to die. First, Hope and my father, Daniel. My dad and my sister. Again it feels like it's my fault. If I didn't had to go to the ball, I wouldn't had a dress that he wanted to see me in. It's my fault. It's ALWAYS my fault, isn't it...