𝕄𝕆𝕀ℝ𝔸

42|FOURTY TWO|사십이

JUNGKOOK

I sat frozen in my place, unable to understand, operate, anything, it crashed at me all at once, the mistakes I made, over and over again, how did I not see? How did I not feel it? What went wrong? When did I became so ignorant? She said it, my heart said it, everyone did, but I still chose to be blind, to be the disgusting excuse of a man I am.

The tragedy isn't how I've broken her, the tragedy is how she left me, with a piece of her within me, she's been right all along, I wondered what were the consequences of my actions, wondered If I were to ever regret, however, the guilt the regret weighing me down isn't what I thought, I would've overcome, it's carved itself over myself, enough to make me nauseous, my insides churning at the memories of my own actions.

She wasn't the break of our bond, she's the only one for us, and we broke her, we were lied to, we were tricked, I looked at Risa, sobbing against the mighty deity, who embraced her like she wasn't the one who destroyed everything I could've had, as if she didn't destroy what we could've been, but was it all her fault, was she the only person at fault?.

We did, what not in order to hurt our own mate, the girl I held dear to my heart, the one I couldn't breathe without, I had to kill myself over and over again due to the fake prophecies she made. "You destroyed everything, not even God is capable of saving every damned suffering person, and you expect more, we couldn't save you even if we wished for it, however we did crown you with everything you deserved, and which you don't, everything, and if it wasn't enough then you could've asked for as much as you needed but, you chose to do unforgiveable, I'm a disgrace to my own mate, just because of you!"

"Risa you were a great friend, great healer, great person, a woman I admired for her strength and beliefs, and you became the one I despise the sight of, because of you and your greed, I left arms of my mate which held me, like I was the only life source driving her, because of you I pushed the very person I couldn't see the daylight without, in the abyss of darkness, now because of you I don't care if I become the villain of your life, I'll make you pay for everything with your blood!" Tae Hyung growled, his eyes as dark as the moonless night, his wolf after years ready to take over his original form, the ground shaking beneath, the thick black linings of his aura slowly beginning to swirl in the air.

I found myself unable to stop him, disgusted by my existence, I couldn't find strength to stand up and stop him, not when I knew she was to blame, and over everything when I wished to die, I know I'm pathetic, I'm not worthy of anything, after doing all I've done, if I was in her place, I would've walked out myself too, what made me this way? this life, past life, why all I ever did was to lead her to this miserable end?

I knew we were In trouble the very first time I saw her, she who was bruised and broken, and still seemed like a fresh breath of air to me, I knew life is full of pained experiences, yet her existence kept me going, knowing she was there, more than disappointment, hatred I was relaxed, weather I accepted it or not, I was always at ease knowing she was close, and paid no heed to her pain, and I'm to pay for my sins now, who was I to blame anyone, I was as much as her tormentor as anyone else.

There was more than one thing that made sense to me, one how naïve and stupid I've always been, be this life, or the one gone, I approached her back then, embraced her, sweet talked her, and never even once in my memory, I felt any form of malice in my actions, I did feel for her, and stupidly ignored my emotions, without a lesson from the mistakes I've made once, I've made same mistakes in this life, I know I want her, but did I love her? She made me realize how we've never known love.

She however loved, and loved with passion, truth honesty, loyalty, she loved the men who continued to abandon her, loved men who broke her, she stayed loyal to them, to her feelings, and I knew she was stupid for hanging over someone like me, me who didn't deserve her back then, and doesn't deserve here even now, we're simply not for her, she understood the love we showered at her came in return to way worse.