Ardent ; h.s.

017

Robin

Location: New York City

Destination: Basel, Switzerland

The amount of sleep I received was comparable to a mother who just had a baby. I stirred through the night, my legs felt restless, and I despised the feeling of my thighs touching when I laid in a fetal position.

Nerves were disrupting my already poor sleeping pattern, I ended up sleeping at midnight, and the best part is I had to leave by 1:30. I kept telling myself I'm excited, hopefully rewiring my brain to allow this pit in my stomach to melt and eventually go away.

I mean, I am excited, although the thought of being in a flying aircraft for more than an hour sits in the back of my mind.

The pillow I throw over my face muffles the nagging sound of my alarm, these are times I regret not purchasing the melatonin gummies I had saw at CVS on my way from work. Fighting the urge to snooze the alarm, I build up the strength to turn in off, my phone being at a higher brightness than I would prefer.

Today's the day.

I think to myself, staring at the ceiling. My phone pinged, I turned my head, finding myself staring at the framed picture sitting on the bedside table instead of the text message.

The picture is a candid of my mother and I. I'm much younger obviously, she had made us matching dresses of a floral fabric and we're sitting in a large, orange hammock. Our backyard had been large trees of banana leaves and just a couple feet away was the beach, you could see it all in this photo. I was sat in her lap, as she had her hands in my hair, we were both smiling, she had the most dazzling smile. I missed it. I missed her.

"Mom...plants gods, this better be worth it", I silently let out, my phone pinging for a second time. Removing the blanket off my body, I stood up and made my way towards the bathroom, taking the phone with me.

Mitch
Be there in 20.

I replied to Mitch with a thumbs up and left it at that. He must be so used to waking up at these insane times, they must all be, although Mitch is one of the last people I know to be full of energy, Harry on the other hand just enjoys waking up at the ass crack of dawn, apparently it's motivating. Motivates me right back to sleep.

After applying deodorant I stuffed all my bathroom necessities into bag and slid it into one my luggages. They all sat idle by the door, ready for whatever is to come. I slid a jacket over the striped sweater I slept in, and a pair of green yoga pants, the scarf I picked out might be the only one I own. I looked prepared, wasn't too sure if I felt it.

My apartment looked clean, didn't trust myself to have the energy to come back to a dirty apartment and have the mental strength to put anything away. I sat in chair, the table where Harry and I had dinner in front of me, holding my bowl of oatmeal. Maybe eating with a nervous pit in my stomach isn't the smartest idea, I didn't want to eat in the first place.

New chapter Robin, it'll be grand. It'll feel liberating from the life I now previously lived, working in a hospital, visiting a cafe more than a few times a week, and coming back to my comfort zone after long days. All is well.

These are things I've been needing to consistently repeat to myself, my unconscious mind wandering to all the bad things that could happen, I had to remind myself that I, myself, in this moment was okay.

And I am.

I didn't think I could find myself growing an attachment to such a large place, but here I was locking the door to my apartment, scared, yet curious about what I'm going to endeavor as I leave the doors to the building which I've lived in for the past couple years.