Chained | Bang Chan

f o r t y - s e v e n

As soon as we had finished our dance, and all eyes had promptly left us, I was off to get myself some alcohol. Although I was trying to ignore all my thoughts and feelings, I could still feel the weight of them on my shoulders, trying to pull my down.

"You couldn't wait to get off that dance floor," Chan said, also grabbing another drink.

I wasn't even aware he had followed me over to the drinks table, so I got a fright when he spoke.

"Well, it was pretty awkward having everyone stare at us like that."

"Eh, you get used to it."

I sighed. "I doubt I'll ever get used to it. It's just so...strange."

"Give it a couple of years and It won't faze you in the slightest, I promise."

"I miss just being invisible," I admitted, without even really meaning to. "If I could go back to nobody knowing who I-"

"-But you can't," He interrupted. He didn't say it in a cold way, or a mean way, more in a matter of fact way. I knew he was right, anyway. "Even if you divorced me tonight, you'd still have everyone's eyes on you."

That sent an icy shiver up my spine. I still wasn't used to the idea of this sort of life, even after all the time that had passed.

To be honest, I had spent all that time preparing myself for our wedding. Now that it was here, I realised that I should have spent more time thinking of what comes after it.

I had my whole life to live now and it'd all be dictated by the decision I had made tonight, the decision to marry Chan. I took a large gulp of alcohol.

"Mina, don't-"

"No, you don't," I interjected quickly. "I can drink however much I like. Don't try to tell me what to do again."

"You can't make an embarrassment of us," He said to me sternly, snatching the empty glass of me and placing it back on the table. "That's enough alcohol."

I felt like I might burst from frustration but I didn't have it in me to fight with him anymore. I wasn't planning to get wasted, anyhow. Just tipsy enough for my brain to shut the hell up.

"Whatever," is all I said to him, walking off.

I was originally going to find Kunwoo but I saw that he was dancing with some kids that I had never seen before. I liked seeing him with friends so I didn't want to interrupt it, or embarrass him. So I just went back to my seat.

I was the only one that wasn't up dancing and I was aware I probably stood out like a sore thumb but I didn't care. I felt defeated more than anything. I felt even more defeated when I saw Chan was heading my way.

"Could you maybe try to look less sad?" He asked with a smile, clearly joking with me. Something about that tipped me over and I felt tears begin to form in my eyes. He looked shocked at that. "Come on," He said, taking my hand and leading me out the main room.

We walked for a little bit, with my hand glapsed firmly in his. The place we were in was massive, with three different floors. He brought me up to the very top story, opening up the first door that we came across, which revealed a room that seemed to be just for storage.

It was dusty and dark. Through the shadows I could make out a lot of boxes, a large mahogany cupboard that stretched up towards the ceiling, and a long pink and white couch.

He flicked the light switch and, for a moment, I thought that the lights wouldn't come on. After a moment though, the slowly flickered on. He gestured me towards the couch.

I sunk down on it, putting my head in my hands and let some of the tears finally escape my eyes. I couldn't hold them anymore.

I felt Chan drape his suite jacket around my shoulders. "It's freezing up here."

I hadn't noticed until he said. All I said in return was, "thank you," for the jacket.

"It's fine," He said with a heavy sigh. "Mina, are you upset because of me?"

There was a long silence. You couldn't even hear the party music from up here. Just the sound of Chan huffing, clearly stressed. Stressed because of me. I felt bad all of a sudden. He shouldn't have to deal with me being like this. Not today. Not when there's a big fun party going on downstairs.

"No...well, partly. I think it's just a big mixture of everything that's happened.
It's been a crazy couple of months."

He turned around, looking down at me with this expression across his face that I couldn't quite read.

"I didn't make it any easier, did I?"

"No, you didn't." I wanted to be honest with him. There was no point sugar coating it. But I wanted to admit my fault, too. "I probably made it a lot harder as well."

"You definitely did," He said with a pained laugh.

"My crying and-"

"No, not that."

I raised an eyebrow and finally met his eyes. "What?"

"Your crying I can handle. Sure, I hate seeing you upset but I can handle it."

"Then what have I done to make it harder for you?"

He let out a loud sigh again, sinking down on the couch beside me. "I don't think it's worth saying. It just makes things harder...more complicated."

Once again, a silence filled the room. I wanted to just let it go, especially since he said it would make things more difficult but I couldn't.

"I want you to be honest with me. We need to communicate our feelings. I mean, we are married now. It'll be easier to just be honest with one another."

"Fine," He said very quickly but then left another silence. "After Jang-mi, I knew that I could never love someone ever again."

He had told me some things about Jang-mi but I hadn't gotten him to talk about her since. I was going to ask him a question, to try and get him to open up more but it turns out I didn't even need to.

He opened up to me all on his own.

"I loved her. I loved her like I've never loved anyone before in my entire life and...she cheated on me with more men than she could even keep track of. One moment, she would go around telling everyone we were a couple and the next, she'd suddenly pretend to not know me. Whatever story gained her the most, that's what she'd say.

But I was an idiot, a fool for her. All the red flags were so obvious but I loved her enough that I was willfully blind to them.

I really believed that she was who I would spend the rest of my life with and she hurt me more than I thought was possible. I knew that when we broke up, something inside my broke too. I would never be able to fall in love again."

I couldn't even get any words to leave my mouth. There was so much I wanted to say to him but none of it came out. It was Chan who filled the silence again.

"Then you made me fall in love with you."

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