Busy being Yours

48. Beyond Control

Being a doctor is hard.

Actually, nobody said that it was ever easy. Kami ang tinatakbuhan if a person's health is compromised, if a person's life is on the edge... We have to deal with people that are walking on a thin line between life and death every single day, bearing their trust in our hands as we try everything that we can within our power to improve the quality of their health, to prolong their life.

But of course, we're not God. We're no higher beings. We're just humans, and because of that, there are things that are way out of our control.

We were taught that life is sacred, no one can violate or destroy life but at the same time, we were also told that death is a natural end and that there will come a time that a person should be allowed to die. It's just natural. It's supposed to be easy as that.

In theory, yes. But in reality, ang hirap. Sobrang hirap na kahit araw-araw mong maranasan at araw-araw mong kinukumbinsi ang sarili mo na ginawa mo na ang lahat sa abot ng makakaya mo ay mahirap paring tanggapin na 'di mo na kayang salbahin ang isang taong lumalaban pa para sa sarili nitong buhay.

"June."

Hindi parin ako sumasagot, I'm still focused on the monitor as I try to revive our patient.

"Dr. Jimenez." This time ay may pagdiin na sa tono ni Malcolm habang tinatawag ako, "Tama na." He said. The rest of the responding team were quiet. I just stared at my friend, both of my hands were still on the patient's chest. "We did everything that we could."

"I checked her file, Colm. I checked it again and again and this isn't supposed to—"

"June, we didn't know. No one knew that she has malignant hyperthermia. Wala sa history niya—"

"I was monitoring her in the PACU, I was there when it happened and... And..." I couldn't even find the right words to say. The last hour happened so fast.

Tumaas ang temperature ng pasyente. Suddenly she was tachycardic and tachypneic. Her vitals were shooting up. I immediately knew that it has something to do with the anesthesia that I administered during her surgery. Mabilis akong nag-order ng dantrolene tsaka cooling blanket but everything happened so fast, we did our best to administer the drug as fast as we could but it was already too late.

"No one knew, June. It happens. It's not your fault, you did your best."

What's even harder than having a patient die right in front of you is to tell their family about it. You're drained, you're tired, you hate yourself... But they hate you more, they're more emotional, they have the all the rights to feel that way too. Kasi ipinagkatiwala nila ang buhay ng mahal nila sa 'yo in hopes that you'll be able to treat them but in the end you'll get this 'sorry, we did our best' line that you weren't expecting to hear after hours and hours of waiting and hoping.

If you're frustrated, they're probably more frustrated too.

"I reviewed the chart that you did, June. It was thorough. You clearly asked for the patient history at naisagot din naman nito ito ng tama. Wala siyang previous surgeries, this was her first. Sa pagkakaalam nito ay wala siyang kamaganak na nagka-complication while in surgery because of anesthesia. MH is not detectable unless you submit to genetic testing and of course, hindi ito routine testing. But don't worry, the patient's family was already advised to subject to it to know if they're at risk too—"

"Malignant hyperthermia is supposed to be manageable." I cut Dr. San Miguel off, as one of my seniors he immediately summoned me to his office after the incident in the PACU earlier. "Wala sa patient history. Ni ang mga kamaganak nito ay walang kaalam-alam sa kondisyong ito."