This isn't love.
It's not, but it's the way his brown eyes find yours, the honey that sinks deep beneath them. The way he looks at you when he thinks you aren't looking. The way his eyes search for any emotion that may pour across the face of yours. It makes you feel a feeling that's been a dangerous one for years.
You've been closed off, void of feeling anything that's a relationship. He's the closest person you've ever allowed yourself to feel trust and admiration in for three years.
He's the closest friend you have.
He's also the one who scares you the most.
He can wrap that gorgeous tattooed arm around your shoulders, pull you into him and press a kiss to the top of your head with a smile. His tattooed hand can interlock with yours, squeeze it with that secret feeling only the two of you know.
He means the world to you.
Yet, the way his lips find yours in the private or in the quiet rooms each night or even his bunk when he knows his band members are sleeping. The feeling of what this isn't, it takes over.
It feels a lot like what you have been trying to avoid calling this.
He's the only one you find yourself wondering about when you aren't near him. The war inside yourself, it's not winning. It's slowly loosing, his scent sinks into your clothes. It's all you can do to fight the need to need him in the way you crave at the moments you don't feel yourself.
When the nights get lonely, it's all you can do to fight the whole automatic feeling of texting him.
Chris's words always now reverberate in your head. It's a constant echo.
It's getting harder every single day.
Especially when he's angry at you like now.
The urge to walk up to him, hug him so his anger at you melts away. The other half of you, it wants to prove the point you made. Resisting the urge to even look his way but the sound of his voice, his scent, it's everywhere in this bus.
It's suffocating.
It's a tug of war, needing him.
Not needing him.
His brown eyes somehow always find yours, the lights that shine and make them that goregous caramel color. He can smile and just like that, you are back right where you started.
The feeling is dangerous close to what you are avoiding.
