Scarcity of Chances

Prologue

Chance, such a powerful word.

A single touch of it can change lives, beliefs, and dispositions. Imagine having the chance to do something you love and passionate about. Ponder anent the chance you could have to correct your mistakes and be a better person.

A second chance? Definitely sounds great, but at the same time, quite... ambitious.

Because for me, a chance is more than just simple probability and statistics. It lies on the border built between possibility and its total opposite. Like luck, not all are fortunate enough to attain it.

Just think about the fact that you are more likely to get struck by a bolt of lightning than win the lottery. The first one was almost practically a dime-a-dozen compared to the latter.

So unlucky of me to be one of those unfortunate.

This is how.

I met this boy when I was in fifth grade.

It was at his brother and my sister's wedding. Well... not a biological sister. I was adopted. An adopted child who never got the chance to meet her real parents.

"Do you want that?"

Natulala ako sa biglaang pag-aalok niya ng bulaklak. Magkasama kami sa lamesa at mukhang napansin niya ata na kanina pa ako nakatingin sa isang munting lumpon ng mga bulaklak na disenyo sa lamesa.

"B-Bawal atang kuhanin e."

Sa simbahan pa lang, nakuha na niya ang atensyon ko. Sa tingin ko ay magkasing-edad lamang kami, pero parang medyo mas matangkad pa ako ng kaunti. Maputi siya, iyong klase ng puti na hindi maputla, sakto lang.

Palagi siyang nakangiti at dahil do'n ay halos maglaho na ang singkit niyang mga mata. Hindi niya ako kailanman tinignan sa simbahan. Kaya't gulat ako na kinakausap niya ako ngayon.

"Who cares? Sabi ni Kuya, do what makes you happy."

I watched him take the flowers from the round table before handing them to me. My cheeks automatically turned red.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Vine..." napalunok ako at inabot ang mga bulaklak mula sa kanyang kamay. "I-Irvine Diera."

He plastered a smile. Suddenly, my world lit up as these artificial flowers danced. His eyes disappeared again at the sight of that beam, which changed the pace of my heart.

"Nice to meet you, Vine. My name is Hans," pakilala niya sa sarili.

Sa kabila ng kaba ko, nagawa kong suklian ang kanyang ngiti. "N-Nice to meet you too... Hans."

For the first time, my young heart beat faster than normal. Even when my other sister accused me of taking the designed flowers and got scolded for that, the happiness deep within that organ inside my ribcage did not falter.

That was the last time I saw him though. Sa ibang bansa kasi sila tumira, base sa narinig ko.

Not until I reached ninth grade.

"May transferee daw, Vine! Daan tayo sa kabilang section para makita natin kung worth it ba!" aya sa akin ni Shannon.

Mabilis ako umiling. "H-Huwag na, Sha. Nakakahiya."

Sa kabila ng pagtanggi ko, nagawa pa rin niya akong hilahin at makumbinsing dumaan sa tapat ng kabilang section. Dahil sa kahihiyan ay nakayuko ako habang naglalakad kami sa hallway.

Nang marating namin ang tapat ng silid kung saan naroon ang pinag-uusapang guwapong transferee ay tumigil kami ni Shannon sa paglalakad. Napatingin ako sa bintana at doon ko nakita kung sino ang tinutukoy nila. Batid kong siya iyon sapagkat bahagya siyang pinagkukumpulan.

"Hans..." bulong ko na nakakuha ng atensyon ni Shannon.

"Kilala mo?"

Pa-iling na sana ako nang biglang mapatingin sa gawi namin si Hans. Mabilis na nag-init ang mukha ko nang magtama ang mga mata naming dalawa.

Unti-unting gumihit ang ngiti sa aking mga labi. Siguro naman ay natatandaan niya pa ako. I mentioned my name, years ago.

But then, I saw his forehead wrinkled while staring at me. At pagkatapos no'n ay nag-iwas siya ng tingin at hindi sinuklian ang aking ngiti.

Mukhang nakalimutan niya na ako. O siguro, baka dahil medyo nag-iba ang itsura ko kumpara sa dati?

Hindi ko alam kung bakit subalit labis na kalungkutan ang nadama ko nang araw na 'yon. Sa mga nagdaang taon na siya lagi ang nasa isip ko ay nakakalungkot na hindi niya ako pinansin.

Shannon asked me to share what was that all about. Since she is my best friend, I decided to tell her everything. Upon knowing, she started teasing me about him.

Hindi ko maipagkakaila na minsan, natutuwa ako sa pang-iinis niya.

"Do I know you?"

Tumingin ako sa paligid upang masigurong walang nakatingin at nakakarinig sa amin. Malayo naman ang librarian kaya hindi niya kami mapapansin dito sa gilid ng mga bookshelves. Nakita ko lang siya dito kanina kaya tinitigan ko, subalit nabuko niya ako.

"H-Hindi mo na ba ako naalala?" I softly asked, quite hoping that somehow, I'll receive the answer that I want. Mas matangkad na siya sa akin ngayon kaya kailangan ko pang tumingala ng bahagya upang matitigan siya nang mas maayos.

"I'm sorry but, would I ask if I still remember you?"

Nanikip ang dibdib ko sa sinabi niya. Pinatay nito ang munting pag-asang sinusubukan pang kumapit kanina.

"Pasenya ka na. W-Wala 'yon," untag ko at mabilis na tumalikod.

Buong gabi kong iniyakan ang simpleng pangyayaring 'yon. Pinagalitan pa ako ni Mama at pinilit akong sabihin kung anong nangyari subalit nagdahilan na lamang ako.

Magmula noon, hindi na ako nangahas pang lumapit sa kanya. Or maybe, I just didn't get the chance to do so.

I tried to kill my feelings for him but my heart was just foolish. Siya pa rin, kahit na lumipas na ang maraming taon.

I like him to the point that I enrolled in the same university as him. I like him to the extent of letting myself get hurt whenever he gets a new girlfriend or whenever I see him with other girls.

Funny how a simple interaction back then made me this naive. How those artificial flowers that I still keep made me fall for him. And it won't just subside.

Unfortunately, until now, I remain as the girl he will never pay attention to.

Until now, I am still waiting for my chance.

Will that even come?

In a parallel universe, maybe.