Scarcity of Chances

Chapter 17

More than a week passed but I still cannot get a hold of this new reality we're facing. Halos araw-araw ay may mga kakaibang nangyayari, hindi na matapos-tapos. O siguro, pakiramdam ko lang ang iba sa kadahilanang hindi ako sanay.

I am doing my best to live with this brand new life while a solution for our problem is still nowhere to be found. I did my best to pretend that I am fine at home when in fact, I am not. I tried to socialize with the friends of this version of me in this bubble. But since I was having a hard time doing so, they would oftentimes ask if there was a problem. I would reason out every time.

Good thing is, I have the friendly Kylo. So here I am, asking him to teach me how to be more open and welcoming to other people, how to easily open up a conversation, how not to be awkward in front of others, and more things that'll help me with my dilemma.

"Do you really want to do this? You know... you can just live as yourself here, Van. I don't see the need to change," he suggested one afternoon.

"I want to do this, Kylo."

I am not changing myself for the sake of riding with this seems to be a perfect life. Maybe at first, that was the reason. But the more I think about it, the more I realized that maybe I should look at the better picture. That maybe, this is my chance to get out of my comfort zone.

Back then, it was hard for me to make friends not just because I don't want to, but also because people naturally don't want to be friends with me. Kahit noong bata pa ako, gano'n na.

Siguro kasalanan ko rin dahil hindi ako marunong makipag-kaibigan. Kasalanan ko dahil kaagad akong sumuko at hinayaan ang sariling maging kumportable sa pag-iisa. Sinanay ko ang sarili ko na walang ibang kasama kaya't hirap na hirap ako ngayon.

Si Shannon lang ang naging kaibigan ko dahil siya lang naman ang nagtiyaga na kausapin ako, kahit na noong una ay hindi ko siya madalas sinasagot. She was a really good friend until the issue with Hans happened.

Kaya ngayong mga tao na ang lumalapit sa akin upang makipagkaibigan, sarili ko na lang ang poproblemahin ko. Baka pagkakataon ko na 'to.

"Why?" he asked.

I sighed. "I want to build my confidence, Kylo. I want to finally step out of my comfort zone. Ayaw ko na iyong palagi na lang akong nahihiya sa tuwing maraming mga kumakausap sa akin. Ayaw ko na iyong palaging kinakabahan at nanginginig sa tuwing nagsasalita sa harapan ng maraming tao. Marami pang iba."

Making friends is not the real reason. Being alone is comfortable but this time, I want to try something out. Who knows, maybe in the future, this will be very beneficial for me. So now, that I still have plenty of chances, I should grab it. Baka kasi kapag hindi ko pa sinubukan ngayon, mas mahirapan ako kalaunan.

Kylo looked at me while pressing his lips together. I am not sure if he got my point or not. Mukhang nag-iisip siya kung tama ba itong ginagawa namin.

"If you can't help me, it's fine. I'll figure it out on my own," I told him straight.

"Hey, Van. Don't get me wrong again, alright? I want to help you. I am just concerned 'cuz this will be hard for you."

I sighed once more. "I am not extremely introverted though. I have had one friend before and sometimes, I talk to strangers because I feel bad not to. Still, it depends on the situation."

Hindi naman siguro ako iyong tipo na malala ang pagka-introvert. Kahit madalas ay pagod ako sa tuwing nakikipagsalamuha, nagagawa ko pa rin. Iyon nga lang, mahirap pa rin para sa akin.

But in spite of that, I don't think I can consider myself as an ambivert. My introverted features conquer the extroverted ones—if I even have one.

My personality's very confusing.