CSFTS : TayNew edition

Extra soft Kao pt 2

sorry i forgot to post it earlier but here is the update for it. tw; angst 

A few days have passed since the incident. Kao is now back to being the best teacher who helps and knows everyone in his class. Does their problem still affect him? Well, it does but has he learned to hide them well from his family now?

It is a day in the second semester when he has first picked the cancer stick which he despises the most. He's reading the forms collected from the student about their future and aspirations. There are only a couple of responses that are heartfelt. The others are just written because of peer and/or family pressure, done in haste, or just because it's compulsory.

Kao feels sad. He feels it again -- like he has failed as a teacher. He always sees himself as a teacher who would help his students dream a better future and support their every aspiration. But now, looking at dreams like getting a car after graduation, having sex with the girl next door, going to frat parties, has made him feel sad and disappointed.

He's on the terrace where he has found the girl who's self-harming herself but this time irony laughed at him. He lights the little cancer stick and takes a puff. It doesn't sit well with him and he's had a coughing fit. The second drag scratches his throat a bit less and by the end of it, he feels numb. A lone tear escapes his eye as he stares at the sky and sees the sunshine smile of his husband. He feels sorry for doing this but he is a sensitive person that way. He has a soft heart for children.

***

Weeks have passed and one cancer stick has given him the confidence of doing it again and again without getting caught, so he does it every day.

Pete knows something is wrong with Kao but he also knows that his husband would come to him when he needs him, therefore, he decides to trust him and waits patiently. Till one day, he has decided to pick Kao from school for a surprise dinner.

He walks into the faculty room and finds it almost empty with a few teachers packing up.

"Hi, have you seen Teacher Kao?" he asks one of the male teachers near his desk.

"Umm... I think he went to the terrace. Please wait here and let me call him down."

"It's okay. Please just show me the way. I'll pick him up," Pete says with a smile.

"Okay."

Pete follows the teacher to the door and the teacher leaves him there. When he opens the door, the scene in front of him has shattered him to pieces. He sees Kao resting his head on the railing on the building with a cigarette in his fingers.

A pang of emotions hit him like a crashing wave and as they slowly retreat, he's left with only anger. He strides to Kao, trembling. He's gathered all his strength and turned Kao's body around to see zoned-out eyes. Those eyes cannot see the emotion upon his husband's face but definitely see the punch coming his way.

He's kissing the ground the next moment, a deja vu.

'So, this is how Rain felt when Pete had punched him.'

He lies there crying, for himself, for his body, for the state he has become. He lets the demons capture him just like his father.

"Get up!" Pete roars.

Kao stays there sniffing.

"I said get up, now!"

"I can't," he rasps.

Pete is even more furious now and pulls him up by the collar. He lets him sit, leaning on the cement walls. Then he sees the broken man his husband has become. For the first time, he feels sorry for not being there when he has needed him to be there.

"What have you done to yourself?" he asks softly.

Kao bursts out crying, all his burdens which he had been carrying since his teenage years come crashing down. The cancer stick falls from his hand and he wraps his arms around his husband.

23 years ago...

Kao's father, Mr. Chotiwut, was a very kind and empathic man. He loved his family but he also loved to help the people in need. That was the sole reason Kao hated him. His father was his role model, his hero, and his world, but his empathic personality took him away.

Kao was about thirteen years old when one of their relatives had problems in their family. They came to the Chotiwut family for help and without hesitation, Mr. Chotiwut gave them everything they needed. Kao saw the help and the struggle behind the help. He saw his father give his everything and later crumble down to nothing. After his father died, according to his last wishes, his organs were donated. Kao, for the first time, felt angry and disappointed towards the ungrateful people. He swore to himself never to be like him.

But whenever he had a crossroad in front of him, his thoughts always went to the way how his father might have handled the thing. He followed that path blindly till he realized he was becoming him slowly. He never really forgave him or let him go so now the ghost of the past had caught up with him.

***

"You know you are a different person, right?" Pete tells him.

"I know."

"You need to let him go now..."

"I can't."

Pete cups Kao's face and lifts it up so he looks him in the eye, "Kao, sometimes it's okay to just watch because you can't really help it. It doesn't make you any less of a person, you know? Because some battles are to be fought on our own," Pete feels bad for punching him now. Kao's soft cheek had started bruising up into the shades of blue and black just like the sky above them.

Kao stares straight ahead with blank eyes, pondering over everything Pete has said. He is right, I can never be him. He's a different person from me but why is it so difficult... to let go? He pulls his legs closer and wraps his arms around his knees. Pete brushes his cold finger on his husband's cheek, feeling sorry for punching him.

"You have never spoken about him before, you know?" Pete asks quietly.

"After he died," Kao starts, "I knew I had to be strong for Mom and Gift. Gift was merely a child. The death didn't take a toll on her but for Mom, she had to work overtime sometimes just to make ends meet. After that year, I studied hard to get all the scholarships so I could reduce the burden. I stayed with Mom listening to her stories about him late at night after Gift slept," he has a small smile on his face which has quickly disappeared as he continued, "She cried on my shoulder while I could only sob quietly because I couldn't show her my weakness or rather, I chose not."

"Oh Kao," Pete's eyes wells up as he pulls Kao in his embrace.

"I'm sorry Pete," Kao has a fresh wave of tears again, "I'm sorry for hiding this from you. This is the only defense mechanism that I have. I didn't want you to worry about me over such a trivial matter. I knew you'll come to me but I wanted to fight this on my own but I guess I was drowned in this more than I anticipated."

Pete pulled Kao away and cupped his cheeks, "You forgot our vows. Will you repeat after me?"

Kao nods.

"Through thick, through thin."

"Through thin, (hic) through thin (hic)."

"Through the darkness, through light."

"Through the darkness, (sniff) through light."

"We shall pass together through this life."

"We shall (sniff ) pass together (sniff)-" Kao looks away for a moment but Pete tipped his chin towards him as he continued, "through this life."

"Let's go home now."

Pete helps Kao up and piggybacks him to the car. After buckling him up with the seatbelt, he stares at the now bruised cheek.

"I'm not sorry about that," Pete lies as he buckles himself up. Kao glares at him from the sideways.

"What? I'm not because you need that sucker punch to get back."

Kao looks away knowing it's his fault to start with.

"And no more cancer sticks for you. I'm going to drop you and pick you up from school every day. No complaints."

Kao rests his head on the headrest and watches the city lights pass by through the window. For the first time in years, he has felt that he has someone whom he can depend on.