Life Is A Beautiful Mess

Happy Diwali doctor!!

"Happy Diwali Doctor!" Notification popped up from one of her patients..

She was happy that her patients still remember and send wishes whenever possible. She knows that they are grateful for what she did during their tough times.

She was very enthusiastic person 6 months ago when she was a intern in her hospital . She gets excited for silly things and lived her life fullest eventhough she had many restrictions .

Her parents were fully supportive middle class family if she does whatever they wished. She grew up as girl in Typical middle class family. Lots of restrictions about being the kuthuvilakh and kudumba gauravam of the family.

Being a rebel, she does what she wants but never crossed limits. She had very few friends yet enjoyed the life she was having. Whatever life throws at her , she believes everything is for her own good and prays to god "just give me strength to face it ".

But nothing was same after her graduation when pandemic hit for the second time. There was a another lockdown, many were suffering to even get admitted in the hospitals.

She was one of the warriors of covid. She went to duty as a doctor so she could help with the most distratous situation which certainly was not under anybody's control.

Only during those 2 months of taking charge of a private hospital , she learnt about life more than she could ever learn in her entire life, but the way she learnt cannot be explained, it was beyond painful. She knew the patients and their family were going through much more than what she felt at that time . But she felt helpless and ashamed of why she couldn't save them and only a single thought was running in her mind that what was the use of 5 years of hard work , patience and knowledge.

Guilt consumed her . As if it was her fault this pandemic was started and as if she was one responsible for it.

Of course as a doctor she had seen patient's suffering and death during course of her time in college as student.But what was happening there couldn't be compared to what she had seen and learnt or what she have imagined her life would be that she will be seeing these many people dying in a single day. She had to see the pain of family when she has to tell about the death of their parents, son, daughter, wife and hsuband.

What affected her most was not only people dying but the way they were dying . We cannot even tolerate the struggle breathing when we caught simple cold but here patients were struggling to take a breath for n number of days all together just to be alive connected to machines that makes too much of a noice. Infact those machinesalone has triggered the fear and lead many people to death.

She has seen the pain and fear of death in patients eyes for the sake of their families. They don't want to leave their families in pry of the society and debts.

She sat with most patients when they were taking their last breath because their families were not allowed to be with them. What a cruelty that we cannot even be with the loved ones when taking our last breaths . To think about it actually it is better that they don't allow families inside wards so that they cannot see their loved ones suffering for hours thriving to live.
She also listened to the family stories and lied to them that they will meet them very soon and will have their best time of their life.
She is not at fault but she always blamed herself that she could have done more to save them. She should have done something to save them. This covid did not affect lungs but also people's confidence to live . It created fear and that fear made people to believe that they don't stand a chance against it.

She was happy when every patient gets discharged she knew they are going to their family by the second chance god has given to them .

" GOD " is he even there she often questioned . Then why does he make people suffer like this . But she had no way other than to believe him that he will make better days.

Every patient thanked her for saving them but all she could do was pointing the sky. Patient and their families never seen her face,only listened to her voice and believed she would save their loved ones. Everyone believes no one escape fate but those people trusted her, trusted her with their loved one's life.

She has seen patients getting every mode of treatment for the cure of disease died in front of her eyes and patients who she did not have a percent of confidence that will recover had recovered and went home and coming for reviews after months. She knew that she did what she could.

Gradually everything got settled , covid cases per day got decreased . Things were going back to normal . normal ?? Oh yeah new normal. But she was not able to go to her normal self .

All the deaths she encountered, all the parents who cried for their children ,all the wives who were widowed , all the children who were orphaned made to think that was she really worth of treating people. She shuttered herself from the world.

Eventhough she her friends and family tried to convince her that she did whatever she could,all the deaths were all Destiny's part. "well destiny played it's very evil part " she thought. Deep down she knows she have helped more people and made them strong during these illness but something didn't let her to enjoy the fact or come to peace that she really helped many people.
Eventually she was trying her best to overcome those feelings .She talked normal, behaved normal but no one could find she's not fine . She started going to new job to find herself but nothing worked. She knows deep inside these feelings will never go away and she has to live this way.
Life is a mess but it is a beautiful mess when you learn to appreciate little things.
Only when she was in deep thoughts about past 6 months and her feelings ,another notification popped up,

" Thirupi wish panna mateengla , Shakthi ? "

she smiled at the text and replied

"Happy Diwali!! Karthick !!"

WRITER'S NOTE-

I'm sorry guys if this is boring I just wanted to write about doctors who equally suffered during covid. So I wrote this please give your opinion .