Wolf Camp (Bear Naked 2)

Chapter 11, part 3

"This is the most marvellous and messy meal I have ever eaten," Tanner said as he peeled back the skin on a piece of fish and began to nibble the meat off its sides.

"I agree," Erica said. She left off eating her fish and popped one of the still warm tubers into her mouth. "Hmm," she said.

Despite having eaten a fish in otter form earlier, Jay and Courtney were eating cooked fish now with as much relish as the wolves.

Having not had a solid meal in almost two days, the pack barely spoke for the first half of the meal. Once they had each downed a fish and a handful of the tubers, their hunger mellowed out and they talked while they polished off the rest.

"You guys really seem to have gotten in touch with your true natures," Connor said. "Fishing in otter form like pros. Eating in otter form, travelling up and down lakes and rivers."

"Yeah, our animal natures, anyway," Courtney said with a sour look at Jay.

He hung his head. "I know."

"What?" Amanda asked.

"Animal nature is the easy part," Jay said.

"I don't mean to push," Courtney said. She put a hand on his shoulder and rubbed it gently. "But you've been avoiding the topic all summer. And don't forget, you're the one who said they wanted to work on this."

"Work on what?" Amanda asked.

"My gender," Jay answered. "Only, it's not that easy."

"What's to work on?" Erica said. "Nobody here has a problem with your gender."

"I do," Jay said.

"You want to be a girl?" Tanner said with a shrug. "We kind of guessed. So do it. We'll support you."

"That's just it, I don't know," Jay said. "I told Courtney, I wanted to set this summer as my deadline, make some sort of decision. Only I can't decide. I mean, I know I am feminine. That's a no-brainer. But being feminine and being female is different."

"Yeah, but there are things they can do, right?" Tanner asked. "Surgery and stuff."

"Hormones," Courtney said. "Jay can take female hormones. It's called transitioning, taking hormones, living as a female."

"But can I?" Jay said. "I mean, look at Courtney's hair." He ran his hands through Courtney's brown hair. "Every time she transforms, the dyes all get lost somehow. So, can I take estrogen? Or will it just go "poof" when I transform? And what happens to those changes? I could spend months on hormones growing breasts and then after my first transformation be back to square one."

"That would be a bummer," Tanner said.

"Not to mention the surgery," Jay said. "With our regenerative powers, would it stick? Or would that, too, grow back?"

"Well, maybe you can ask Stanley," Erica joked. The men winced.

"Not every trans person does the medical stuff," Courtney said. "And you know how I feel, you don't have to do anything for my sake."

"I know, I could go non-op," Jay said, "but I am not sure how to feel about that either."

"What's non-op?" Tanner asked.

"Non-operative," Courtney explained. "That's when you choose not to have surgery."

"Kind of like you?" Tanner asked.

"Yeah, kind of," Courtney said. "As a gender queer person, I wouldn't want to transition. It would just make things harder for me. I like being able to go back and forth. Some days I wake up and I feel macho, like I just want to be one of the boys. So I put on boy clothes and that's how I am. Other days I feel more cutesy and feminine, so that's how I dress."

Jay put a hand on her shoulder. "You know, I really admire that about you. I love the way you can dress the part and then be so comfortable, so you, in that part. But I can't."

"For one thing, have you ever woken up and felt macho?" Tanner asked.

Jay shook his head. "But that's not the issue. I can't just put on girl clothes, take a girl's name and say 'look, I'm a girl now.' It feels wrong for me."

"It's funny how alike we are," Courtney said, "and different at the same time. For me, it's all about how you feel inside, really, our gender, that is. I can feel one way, for me the rest is just presentation. I am presenting as a boy or as a girl. The fact that my body is female doesn't mean anything. For you, it's the opposite. Your inner being is definitely feminine."

"But clothes are just clothes," Jay said. "I like girl clothes. I like the color choices and the designs but they don't make me a girl. In fact, sometimes I feel my male body more when I am dressed the most feminine. Besides, I still haven't answered the first question, is being feminine the same as being female? I don't know."

"There are lots of options, honey," Courtney told him. "You can be transgender, gender queer, androgynous, or even a feminine man if you want."

Jay looked away, across the lake. Night had fallen around them and it was dark and still. "Those are all just labels," he said. His voice turned wistful, "sometimes I think it would be easier just go live in otter form. Otter's have virtually no gender. I don't have to think about these sort of things when I am in otter form."

"Otter's don't have gender?" Amanda asked.

"Not like humans do," Courtney said, "there's no clear-cut line between what one sex should do or shouldn't do."

Amanda looked around at the pack.

"Wolves have gender," Erica said.

"But it's different from the human concept," Brianna said. "I can kind of understand what Jay's saying. Things are simpler in animal form."

"Yeah," Erica agreed, "that's one of the things I really love about being a wolf. Wolves have gender, and I am definitely still a woman in wolf form, but wolf gender is different. I can be very fierce and strong, and I still feel very much a woman."

Brianna nodded in agreement. "When it comes to fighting, wolves don't say, hide the women. We stand alongside our men."

The night air was growing cool. Amanda shivered. Connor slipped his arm around her. "It works the other way too," he said. "Wolf women can be very fierce and athletic, because wolves are fierce creatures. But wolves are also very gentle and tender, even the men."

"Aww," Amanda joked, "my man is turning all tender on me." She lay her head on his chest.

He nuzzled her neck and said, "shut up, you know it's true. It's one of the things you love about me, admit it."

"I admit it," she said. "I love that you can be so sweet and tender."

The conversation lulled and the night turned colder. Goosebumps erupted on Jay's back.

"Are you going to be warm enough in just shorts?" Connor asked, concern in his voice.

"Yeah, no problem," Jay said. "However, it's getting late and cold out. I think it's time to say good night and get in my sleeping fur."

"Yeah," Courtney agreed, "me too. Good night." She pulled off the T-shirt and threw it back to Erica. She transformed.

Jay was already in otter form. The two nuzzled each other affectionately for a time. They padded out an area against the side of the log where they had been sitting. Then they curled into each other, making one big ball of otter.

"Aren't they cute?" Connor laughed as he and Amanda lay back to stare at the stars and eventually to sleep. Amanda shiver and leaned against him.

Amanda lay on her right side, shivering. She dozed, half in and half out of sleep. Connor moved at her back and she knew he was awake. She heard him mutter something, a cuss, and then, "they have the right idea." He disappeared from her back. When he returned, he was naked, for a second. Then she felt his soft fur. She rolled over and sank into it.

"No doubt," Brianna muttered from nearby. There was the sound of movement and then padding of feet. She lay down in wolf form at Amanda's other side. One by one the rest of the pack joined them.