Borders & Rules

Chapter 4

Kevin had a friend. I can't describe how happy I was when I realized I was becoming one of them. This was when we went out for a walk after lunch with a few of the supervisors and Kevin just walked next to me, together with Mary. Kevin smiled shyly. At least I defined it as shy.

Mary was also a very quiet person, but not in a shy way. It was rather that she seemed calm about everything and I was a bit curious why she was even here. She didn't seem like she had any problems at all.

On that evening we were in that TV room and it was kind of funny. Two other boys were playing on the football table loudly, another girl watching them and Mary, Kevin and I were sitting on the couch and watching Britain's Got Talent since Mary really wanted to see it. It was the final round and she was trembling at the results while Kevin and I whispered behind her and made bets about who would win.

Kevin used my debt on that bet to make me play table football with him. I didn't like these kinds of games but I didn't say anything. He looked so happy about it. It seemed like the others didn't want to play with him. And in the end, it was fun.

The three of us spent most of our time together. But we never told each other the reasons why we were here—we found it out by ourselves. 

I found out Mary was anorexic because we had to go to school on the ground floor and the nurse allowed only Mary to take the elevator. Some got very jealous and the nurse said she had to take the elevator because she shouldn't move too much.

I found out that Kevin cut himself because he took his jacket off in the TV room one time when there was just the two of us. I wasn't sure if I was the only one who knew—apart from the nurses of course—but he always ran around with a hoodie or a jacket. I didn't know why he cut himself. But I really wanted to know what makes a person hurt themselves. What could make someone go so far? I couldn't understand that.

Kevin and I were often alone in the TV room because we were the eldest and the others had to go to their rest period earlier. Mary wasn't even eleven years old. I could tell she was sad when she had to leave. She enjoyed the time with us. So did I, I enjoyed spending time with both of them, but I quickly found that I loved spending time alone with Kevin even more. It wasn't that I liked Kevin more than her. But once Mary was gone, we talked about things we usually didn't talk to Mary about.

Kevin laughed at me when I told him I cried at the blood draw. But after he finished laughing, he told me in return that he cries after his mother leaves when she visits him sometimes on weekends. I didn't laugh at him. I missed my mother too.

„Oh right," I thought out loud. „Do you have siblings?"

„No."

„That's sad. Are you often lonely?" He shrugged. „You can tell me," I said but realized that he wouldn't until I would admit something first. „You know, sometimes I feel so lonely that I sleep in my brother's room."

Kevin giggled. „Really?"

I nodded. „Your turn."

„I like being alone," he said, „most of the time. I do feel lonely sometimes, but not in a way that I want someone next to me."

I cocked my head. „Then how?"

„Sometimes I feel like no one understands me."

„Understand what?" He shrugged. Looked at his fingers and stopped talking. „Is this about... why you're here?"

„I don't wanna talk about it."

„Okay. Sorry."

Usually I was the one asking questions and making conversation. That day Kevin asked me something on his own accord for the first time. „Are you scared of the needle," he asked, „or the blood?"

I shrugged. „I guess I'm scared of the sting."

„But it doesn't even hurt."

I looked at him very carefully. Of course he's not scared of the sting. Of course not. „It actually does," I said. „What are you scared of? It's unfair only you know my weakness."

„You call that a weakness?" I chuckled. „No, you go first, man, come on. What are you really scared of?"

„I think we should change the topic."

„I love the topic."

„Okay. Fine. Let's see. I'm scared of... Do you know the movie Scream?" He nodded. „The mask is, like, really scary, don't you think?" Kevin snorted. „If you laugh at me now I'm gonna laugh at you when it's your turn."

His laugh faded but the corner of his mouth still twitched. „Sorry."

I fell back to the couch and thought out loud. „I think what I'm mostly scared of is loosing my family." Kevin turned his head to me. „Just thinking about my mother dying before me makes me sick. Seriously, I'd rather die myself than loose someone I love."

He looked at me for a while. „I'm scared of spiders."

„Oh come on," I laughed and hit him.

„Okay. Uhm... I'm scared of hate, I guess. And I'm... scared of being alone."

„Didn't you just say you like being alone?"

„I mean, like, all alone," he said. „That there's no one left who believes in me." He looked at his hands. „Or loves me."

„Parents always love their children. That's already two people who'll love you all your life. So no reason to be scared."

„Whatever," Kevin sighed and stood up. „I'm going to bed. You coming too?"

The friends I've had at school weren't really friends. They were people I knew, people I would never trust with all my life. People I could laugh with, but not people I could cry with. And I felt like Kevin was the first time I've ever really had a friend. I would have told him anything. He just had to ask. But he never did. He never asked me why I was here. Maybe it just didn't matter to him.

My mom came over one weekend and bought me some clothes. As soon as she entered mine and Kevin's room, Kevin fell silent. My mother greeted him and I thought about introducing him, but Kevin just smiled at her and then looked back at the notes he was writing.

I was confused. On the one hand I was sad and disappointed because I proudly wanted to tell my mom about my new best friend, on the other hand I realized that he was very shy when he didn't know anyone. And that made me proud. It was as if I had won him as a friend.