Borders & Rules

Chapter 29

We were back in the kitchen. Things got crazy. Louis, Jeremy and Henric had a beer drinking contest. We were all laughing. It was funny. Jeremy spilled his drink. Louis laughed so hard he chocked. 

Chloe and I sat on the counter and watched them having fun. Next to the wide open window. Fresh, cool air has never been so pleasant before. To laugh, never so relieving. To let go, never so easy. 

They were dancing in the living room—between sofa and television. We were. All of us, together, among so many people, pressing against each other, drunk, jumping, shouting out the lyrics to remixes of songs that were older than us, but everyone knew. Dancing was fun, but the best was when Jeremy took my hand and pulled me along. 

I was so happy. Eye contact with Jeremy suddenly felt so easy. I loved this moment. The thrill when Jeremy touched me. People were all busy with themselves anyway, so I could let him touch me a bit, right? Just let it happen.

I had this fleeting thought. Kevin hadn't liked it when I touched him. Now let that sink in. I gradually understood why. I mean, why had I been scared? Of coming out to Jeremy, who is the same? I didn't want to be like Kevin. I wouldn't become Kevin.

Jeremy kissed me. Just when the music pretty much reached its climax and everyone around us was busy dancing and fully embracing the music. And I hate to ruin this perfect moment, but I did push him away. It was a reflex. My mind had outsmarted my heart. It just happened.

This was about one person. Only one person could only suspect I was gay and my life would be ruined. Just a second of hesitation, and it would have been obvious. Just a little spark that could cause a forest fire and destroy everything I had built—friends, popularity, acceptance.

While the music continued to be phenomenal and people were as cheerful as I had been just a few seconds ago, scales fell from my eyes. Something was wrong. I hadn't drunk any alcohol. A few minutes ago, I was afraid to even look Jeremy in the eyes. And now?

„Felix."

My heart raced—not because of Jeremy. My heart pumped fear into my body. I looked around and couldn't spot any eyes staring at me. Paranoid, I wanted to check every direction, every pair of eyes, to make sure no one had noticed Jeremy's attempt to kiss me.

„Felix."

My eyes fell on him. „H... Yeah?"

„Sorry, man. Sorry. It just happened." I pulled my hand back. „You okay?"

„Did I... drink alcohol?" The room spun before my eyes.

„No." He pulled me to the side with him. „You just smoked."

Fuck. I breathed too fast. Way too fast. „Can you... get drunk from cigarettes?" My tongue felt really heavy. It was suddenly so hard to speak clearly. I hated this. I felt weird. Shit. I felt really weird. „I'm going home."

„Already?" I turned around. Either I stumbled or Jeremy pulled me back. „Hey, wait wait wait. I don't think you'll arrive at home like this." He said something about Louis and waiting. But I couldn't hear him anymore. And not because of the music, because we were already in the hallway and the room was turning. Since when are we here? When did we get here? Shit. I was holding Jeremy's hand. I remember how it felt. To hold the hand of a boy I like. Warm and cozy. Safe. I trusted him. He was going to help me, right?

The music went numb. Someone had closed the door. I opened my eyes and saw Jeremy, blurry. We were alone. Jeremy and I. Somewhere. In a room. Normally I would be really excited right now. Right now, I just felt like throwing up.

Jeremy was holding me, I noticed. „Come. Sit down."

„Mh..." I stumbled against something. My body felt so numb I barely noticed he caught me. My head was spinning as soon as I closed my eyes. I no longer knew where up and down was. Not sure how I could even still stand. Was I standing? No. I was sitting down. When did I sit down?

The floor was cold. And at some point I realized that I wasn't sitting, I was lying down. The light from the ceiling bit my eyes and the bulbs existed three times, flying around the room, multiplying...

Then, I noticed that Jeremy and I were kissing. God, how long I had waited for that. Kissing a guy I like. Famous Jeremy. Finally, and without anyone seeing us...

At some point, I realized how freaking wrong this was. God knows how, but I was stone drunk, having my first kiss, lying on the bathroom floor. Kissing like... adults. French kissing. Forget French kissing, I thought. Do what feels right to you. But Jeremy was older than me. He expected things, didn't he?

My muscles gave way. And my consciousness slowly... faded away... I can trust him, right? I don't have to worry. He's just like me. And... I like him... It's okay to let go. It's okay to sleep.

I lost seconds. Maybe more, who knows how long I was gone. It was like I lost time just blinking. It happened so fast. And I couldn't just not blink, because when I kept my eyes open the room was turning upside down like a carousel and I felt like I'd throw up any moment.

„Hey," I breathed, eyes closed, my head falling to the side. He was in the crook of my neck. „Hey," I croaked. Apparently he couldn't hear me. „Can you... stop..."

He smelled of beer and sweat. I hated the smell of beer. Deeply. 

„Hey... stop..." His weight pressed me into the ground. And when I closed my eyes the darkness was... turning. Turning stronger and stronger...

I was gone. Sleeping. In another world. Dreaming of... kisses... heat... Whatever. I was calm when I slowly regained consciousness... I was at peace. Until I heard things I will never forget in my whole life. Shaky breathing, warm, right next to my ear. Hints of music, somewhere far away from pain and dizziness. Outside these closed doors. I heard people laugh. Happy, unreachable, outside this scene.

My skin was sticking to the floor tiles. I must be naked. Wait. That's absurd. Why would I be naked? No... It must be something else...

This is wrong. This is so wrong. My body moved on its own. I started to move my arms. „No..." I raised my arms—heavy like metal—I pushed him away. All of this got so bad I thought I was in a damn horror movie. Jeremy held me. And hell, he was strong. He only needed his forearm to keep me on the ground.

It made me realize how helpless I actually am. It made me realize that people who are stronger than you can actually harm you if they want. I was unable to move. All I could do was make noises—noises that sounded so terrible they disturbed me for life. I didn't know I could cry like that, guys, it was horrifying.

My consciousness faded away to Jeremy shushing me, whispering something. I didn't remember what he said afterwards. I remember this deep fear in my bones, the panic trying to keep me awake, fighting and fighting and thinking about what I might miss if I loose, what will happen if I loose, what is already happening, right now, fighting to not loose even more, fighting until I was gone.