Borders & Rules

Chapter 18

His words in that order made no sense to me. To use a friend of mine in the same sentence as 'suicide' was weird. Death was something far away and terrifying. Something you usually don't wanna think about any further. Suicide—a thing you only knew from movies. I mean, I was fifteen. Death wasn't nearly close to me if it wasn't about my grandparents.

It took me a while to understand that this was actually happening. I mean, that his words were something that was happening in my life and he wasn't talking about a movie. I couldn't get it into my head, and I think it was because I couldn't deal with that kind of gloom. I didn't want to understand.

It wasn't until he said „I'm sorry, Felix," that I realized this was serious. He was being serious. The words he had just said were real. Kevin committed suicide. He killed himself.

I sat there for minutes and couldn't believe it. Silent, wordless, motionless. Until it broke into me. Tears welled up in my eyes and I shook my head. „No..." It hit me like a blow. What kind of feelings just approached me left me in shock. How do you say goodbye? But why would he... I don't wanna go home...

I jumped up. I needed his notes right now. I needed to know. I stumbled up the stairs. My mother was calling for me. I jumped into my room and took the notes out of my drawer, my hands trembling as I opened the last page, just where I had stopped reading.

Felix hates me. But I can understand him. No. No no no, not this part, please... I sobbed in panic. I was scared I wouldn't find his words in time and it would be too late. Bullshit. It already was too late. I was too late.

How does someone even know when they're in love? And how do I say goodbye to him? Only one day left to find an answer...

I can't stop thinking about his crying face. He was so scared. I should have known better. I should have helped him. But I just stood there and did nothing. Nothing. Just like my mother. And now I will never see him again. Maybe I shouldn't say goodbye at all. Maybe I should just go and leave him the fuck alone.

Hey Felix. If you read this you probably have read a lot of embarrassing things. I hope they weren't too embarrassing. I don't have time to reread them. I'm just gonna leave them here for you because I'm a coward and I can't talk about what I feel. But just to get sure you know. I was scared. I was so fucking scared. Of my own feelings and of Henry... I don't wanna make excuses now. I know what I did and I'm truly sorry. You were a very good friend to me. I hope you understand that you never did Anything wrong. I was the problem. Have a good life. Bye.

I couldn't breathe anymore. I never thought a few words could hurt so deep. It felt like a knife through my chest. I didn't know what to do about myself. I felt so helpless I had to hold myself on just anywhere. I don't think I was only crying. A part in me broke. Something that had two years to grow in my heart. I wasn't panicking because I was sad or scared, but because I didn't know how to deal with this kind of heavy, suffocating feeling. I couldn't take it.

I felt an arm around me and the warmth of my mother when she pulled me to her. I think I cried her whole top wet and it wasn't only tears. I was a wreck. I clung to my mother and wondered how Kevin's mother was and cried even more. I cried my soul out. I wondered why he didn't want to go home. I wondered if he suffered before he died, but it was obvious he did. He wouldn't have done it otherwise, right?

I found myself wishing I could turn back time and look into his eyes while I say goodbye. And sorry. For whatever. He would have laughed and gotten angry because I apologized too often but who cares? He would have laughed. And his laugh would have been soothing and beautiful and real.