Borders & Rules

Chapter 25

I was sitting on top of my bunk bed, headphones in my ears, music so loud I couldn't hear my surroundings. It was the last day of the trip and we had spent the whole day in central London. I was now not only tired but also socially drained. I just wanted to sit here and be alone.

But at the same time I was excited. Just knowing Jeremy was under the same roof as me—but he even slept in my room. I mean, I had spent the last night imagining things I really shouldn't.

Since I was feeling pretty good right now and didn't have anything else to do, I decided to continue reading Kevin's notes. I put on some baggy clothes, made myself comfortable, snuggled into the smallest corner of my bed and opened the book to the page where I left off last time.

When I read the sentence I can't take it anymore right at the beginning, you can say his notes had me quite captivated.

I can't go on living like this anymore. I know I should change something. I know I should look for help but it's so hard when no one around you takes you seriously. I hate people.

I probably sat there for an hour reading Kevin raving about another life, but what actually happened and why he thought that way? No sign of it. It drove me insane. He wrote about annoying housework tasks and homework and how he hated everyone around him, but real problems? Suddenly nothing was really serious anymore. I was sure that housework and homework would not make anyone suicidal.

I was shocked to see that I was almost halfway through and still felt like I didn't know anything. I really thought it was coming any moment. A sudden plot twist. But I guess I forgot that this wasn't a story—these were the notes of a real boy who probably had no idea what to write either and just wanted his therapist to leave him alone.

Something was moving next to me and since I had thought I was isolated and unnoticed up here, I was scared to death and pulled out my headphones. „Jesus..."

Jeremy pulled himself up and sat on the edge of my bed. „You're pretty skittish, not?"

I pulled my legs to my body. Made some room as he sat next to me on the bed. Jeremy's brown hair was darker. No. It was wet. He probably just got out of the shower. And the thought was so intimate that I got very warm. Okay. I should stop imagining him in the shower. Immediately.

He pointed to my headphones. „Can I listen?" This situation seemed so absurd and random to me that I thought I misheard him. I took one of my headphones and gave him the other. He had to move a little closer for that. And now he was sitting so close that I could not only hear—I could feel him breathe. My heart was pounding excitedly. It was strange. I don't think I've ever had a boy in my bed before. And now I was sitting here next to freaking Jeremy.

Kevin's notebook was still on my lap and he was staring at it. „Writing a diary?"

I almost had to laugh. Kevin would have freaked out now. „No. It's... complicated..."

„Oh, I like complicated. Tell me about it."

I was speechless for a moment. Not only because I didn't know where to begin. Also because I felt Jeremy's warmth on my thigh. I couldn't focus.

„Uhm..." I swallowed. I mean, how do I explain in short form that my best friend killed himself and I'm reading his notes now? Oh. „Well... My best friend killed himself and I'm reading his notes now."

I think I've left him speechless now. Which was really bad because he seemed to be much better at conversation than me. „O...kay wow. That's really... brutal." He looked at me. And I felt his breath on my face. Oh god. He smelled like shampoo. „Is that why you're always so quiet?"

Now that I think of it he was probably right. It definitely was why I was very private. I shrugged.

„I like your music taste." He nodded to my phone. „I mean, it's definitely not my taste, but it's cool."

I smiled, still very reserved though. „Thanks."

„Can I play something?"

I looked at him, nodding, then took my phone and unlocked it. „Sure."

This whole moment seemed so unreal for me. Just one day ago I was trying to find out which song he had played when we played Truth or Dare. And now he was sitting next to me and showing me? Oh my god. I couldn't believe this was happening right now.

„Don't look," he grinned when I wanted to see what he was typing. He leaned away with my phone. And when the first sounds played I just had to smile so extremely. I mean, really, seriously hardcore extremely. I couldn't do anything about it anymore. It was some modern, cover version of The Passenger. „My new favorite song."

I pressed my lips together because, god, I shouldn't grin so obviously but I really couldn't help it. The grin covered my whole face until I finally put my hands in front of my face because it was all so freaking embarrassing. Embarrassing and cute. Oh god. I started to really like Jeremy. Really.

Jeremy and I sat there for quite a while until Louis came in. I don't think he even noticed us at first, because you could hide up here really easily. „Hi Louis." Louis jumped about as hard as I had and Jeremy burst out laughing. „Guess I'm pretty good at scaring people."

„Oh no, Felix is just good at making himself invisible. You just happen to be the one being devoured by the hurricane."