Borders & Rules

Chapter 11

I was alone. Kevin was gone. And I couldn't stop thinking about the words, Sometimes I feel like no one would understand me. Kevin taught me the meaning of these words.

I asked the nurses if I could lock my room at night. They asked why. I was silent.

„We can't allow you to lock your room due to emergencies," she said. „But you can always lock yourself into your bathroom when you need privacy."

The first night without Kevin was horrible. Not because I couldn't fall asleep. On the contrary, I was able to fall asleep very quickly. After crying for hours in the silent darkness.

I woke up the next morning with a headache and a sore throat, like I had a cold. I didn't want to get up. At some point a nurse came in and forced me to stand up. Fortunately, no one of the boys even looked at me, and I was relieved about it.

It was the day I had my final appointment with the doctor. My mother came after class. When I saw her talking to the doctor at the glass door of our infirmary, I felt a huge relieve. I literally felt like no one on this planet could ever hurt me again when her eyes fell on me and she smiled brightly. I ran up to her and gave her a very tight squeeze. My mother laughed and squeezed me back.

We walked together to the office. I held my mother's hand. And a lot of warmth was flowing into my heart when she squeezed my hand. I felt safe next to her.

„As I just told your mother," said the doctor, whose name I've already forgotten, as we sat down, „you got much better." He had a document in front of him and turned it around on the desk so that we could look at it. A table was drawn on it, some of the boxes filled with red, others were empty. „That was when you came here beginning of this month. This..." He moved his index finger to the base of the sheet and tapped on it. „...is today."

I stared at the sheet. „They wrote it down," I realized.

„But the last two are red," my mom noted.

„He is not cured. All in all the break was good for him. That can all change when he comes home. In fact, I would say it would be better if he could continue therapy."

„So can he come home now?" my mom asked.

The doctor nodded. „He can go home."

My mom smiled at me and I gave my best smile back. But there were different thoughts in my head. As relieved as I was to go home again, to say goodbye to this place, I was terrified. I would go back to my old life as if I had never been here. As if I had never met Kevin. As if there was no Henry. As if I didn't just find out I was a faggot. And maybe even the last chance I could ever find a way back to Kevin. My first best friend.

My mom and I went up to my room and cleaned it out. The suitcase was open next to my bed and she carefully put my clothes in while I made my bed, hearing Henry's voice in my head. Kevin, I love you. Kevin, I'm scared. Kevin, I want you...

„Felix?" I winced when I felt my mother's hand on my shoulder.

„Hm?"

„Do you need help? I asked."

„No." I smoothed the blanket. Then I went to the drawer. I opened it almost aggressively and took out the papers. I turned them around in my hands and wondered when I had written this. Only then did I realize it wasn't my handwriting. I didn't write so chaotically and the papers looked like they had been torn from a booklet. I read the first sentence. I fucking hate it here. Turned it around and read another one. I don't wanna go home. My heart stopped when I finally understood they were Kevin's notes.