H A U N T E D

f o r t y - o n e

f o r t y - o n e

We spend the rest of the day in silence, as Jack digests my words and I think once again about the root of the argument I had with the Cullens. If I had known that that was what they were thinking would happen from the start, so much of what some of the Cullens said, makes much more sense in hindsight.

I guess it would be logical to assume that I'd be joining them, as I am to Jack what the poets write about. It is not the idea of spending all of eternity getting to love Jack endlessly, or watch Renesmeé grow into a beautiful young woman, that makes me upset, but that I have to live with myself forever. It is hard to love the vessel I am in now, and to accept who I am, but being forced to stare into the same, dull eyes each time I look into the mirror, until Judgment Day comes, seems less desirable.

"I wish we were given a guide on how to live life. That way, we'd know how to deal with the heartbreak that threatens to leave us shattered", Jack mumbles dishearteningly as he rests against the side of my bed next to me, sitting on my carpet. I rest against my pillows, my neck throbbing and aching while my leg stings from overuse. It should be known that I have never been one to follow doctor's orders, but the way my vocal cords pulsates within me, makes me think twice about my defiance.

His words are true, and I wish for it too. If I had been more wise, more knowledgeable, I'd be able to know what to do know. The only way I can know how to survive tomorrow, is by living through it. I reach to run my fingers through Jack's hair, and he leans back to enjoy the sensation. Where did it all go wrong, so suddenly? Last week, we were laughing and building snow men, but now it seems as though we're fighting battles of our own, caused by the other.

"Someday-", Jack speaks up and turns his head to look at me. My finger catches the gray curl, and I lock it between my index and my thumb. It feels like silk made for the kings, and I allow myself to bask in the texture.

"-you need to tell me more about your mother. It's hard not to judge her for what she did to you, but she was important to you", Jack acknowledges with a sigh. I appreciate his open-minded ways, something I am trying to master myself. I raise myself up from my pillows, coming into an upright sitting position. The blanket pools to my lap, and I bury my cold hands into it to warm them up.

"I am trying not to judge a person on one bad thing they did", I watch his Adam's apple Bob as he swallows down an overwhelming emotion, before his amber eyes find mine.

"You've taught me that no bad deed defines a person. You never judged Jacques, I can try not to judge Jenna."

My fingers go from his hair to his forehead, storming the hard skin. Jack's eyes flutter shut in relaxation, and I trace over his eyelids. His skin is so pale and smooth, that one notices the dark thin veins press against his skin. I have never seen a freckle or scar from his human life, which is odd as he spent many hours in the sun and lived a life in the wild, filled with danger and trouble. My favorite part of Jack - not taking into consideration who he is as an individual - is the light gray curl in his hair. He had explained to me that his body started to deteriorate while he was held captive, but due to what he is, it took longer than one would expect.

Now that I think about it, Jack is paler than his family, which is probably also due to his time spent in the ground. Maybe that's why the universe, or whatever, decided to lace our souls together, and take it apart for us to find each other. He is the only one who knows what it feels like to be forced into a life that we never asked for, and having to live with the memories of others' sins. I wonder what would have happened if he were saved later, or decided to feast on humans rather than animals. Would he have changed me without my consent, or kill me? Would I have lived this life without knowing the intense romanticism he brings to life, the kind artists longed for in their paintings. I've only known him half a year, but to know him all my lifetime, is an adventure I cannot wait to live.