Uncertain

1-Dead

Cold wind spined through my body, as goosebumps appeared on my skin. My now short hair, which I had just cut on the spur of the moment, was well hidden under the black beanie and a hood of my winter jacket.

It was the day before April, but still it felt like the freezing weather was never gonna go away.

I was staring Weston's grave, having hard time to see through the tears on my eyes.

"I know you are in a safe place, but god I miss you..." I started, my voice cracking. "I miss you so much."

A lot had changed, but mostly I had had the most painful year in my life. I turned sixteen last week. But the day didn't feel like a birthday, because it was the day when he died.

Weston had been dead for a year.

"You said that it was gonna be okay, but it's not gonna be okay, not without you." I whispered. "I fucking need you..."

It was night, and I had seen a nightmare, like almost every night since his dead. So like always, I left the house in the middle of the night to the cemetery.

"I'm 16 now..." I muttered, before smiling a little bit. "Still a baby, you would say."

If I closed my eyes, I saw him laying on the floor dead, a read stan on his collared shirt. And I saw myself holding him, crying, screaming.

"My heart is just hurting so fucking much." I cried. "I love you... I love you Westie... so so much."

I placed a hand over my mouth to stop the loud sobs in the silent cemetery.

I was trembling, partly because it was so cold, but mostly because it was so painful. My heart, my lungs and even my brain were giving up. I couldn't breath, I couldn't think. All I did was feel the pain.

I moved my legs against my chest, leaning my elbows against my knees.

"Lilah." Someone put a hand on my shoulder. "What have we told you about leaving the house at nights?"

Charles was standing behind me, looking tired. He hadn't probably slept last night at all, like none of us had done for the past year.

He was now the oldest, and he had to take care of the business. He was usually never there, maybe appearing into the dinner once a week.

Bryson was still together with Abby, and he didn't do anything else than was with her. I understood him yeah, because she made his thoughts turn away from Weston. He was rarely at home.

Jordan was probably the most similar to his old self. He was always moody, and he was always in the gym. It was a surprise if he was seen somewhere else.

Anthony, surprisingly, went to college. He graduated, which probably none of us would have ever thought. So now, he was on the other side of the country, coming home once in a month.

The twins were seniors, and like before, living their lives in parties and god knows where. Edwin didn't talk to me, and Aiden greeted me sometimes. So, I really didn't talk to them either.

But what comes to me, I was a mess.

After Weston's dead, I have been home schooled. I was spending my time either in the cemetery, or in my room, crying. Charles' forced me to see a psychologist, which I didn't like at all.

"I don't care what you have told me." I said and wiped my tears.

"I know you are hurt but..."

"No you don't know anything. You don't know how I feel!" I snapped.