Don't Think

Chapter 9

BUT.....YOU'RE JUST A GHOST NOW

I woke from a terrible dream. I sat up in bed and looked over at the watch my husband left me. I smiled at it and sighed. I can still remember him when we were in high school. I always called myself ugly and all he said was “Go give love to your body”. Those words were so powerful it changed how I thought about myself. I miss him every day. I took the watch up and looked at it smiling. I held it close to my chest and sighed. The pain from his death still lingered in my heart, I still taste his presence. I see him and hear him everywhere I go. The pain struck me as tears flowed from my eyes. His death ripped our family…it ripped me.

   He left so long ago but he’s still everywhere. I could hear his voice in my head telling me to let him go. It’s depressing not knowing where my life would have gone with my first love. I wish I could hold him in my arms and hear him tell me how much he loved me. I brought him back but it hasn’t changed a thing. “SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!” I yelled. He was supposed to be my first and my forever…he’s gone now but it’s not his fault. I carried him back but it is as if he’s still dead. I can still see his smile, feel his warm embrace and his kisses filled with honey. 

  He left me alone to deal with all of this. How can I live without him? I don’t even know who I am anymore. I sit in this empty room with his empty space on the bed. Sometimes I actually believe he is right there beside me. I can’t talk to him anymore and I don’t look for him cause he’s just a ghost now. I felt his hand softly touch my skin as if for the first time. I shivered at the touch and looked into his eyes. “I’m always here and will be as long as you believe but…you need to let me go” he said. I turned my head away from him.”Why say that to me? You know I’m not going to stop…I don’t care what it takes I’m going to keep you here forever” I said. I looked up at him and he smiled. He was looking at me with longing eyes, so desperate to hold my eyes forever. I knew that look. It was a look of love and sadness.

  “Take care of our kids” he said and I looked down. “How can I? I need you” I said and his touch disappeared. I looked up and he stood from a far and looked at me the way he did when we first met. I never broke eye contact and he smiled at me. “My fierce girl” he said and disappeared. I got up and ran to where he was. “No!” I yelled and tried to grab him, but he faded right through my fingers. 

  I threw myself to the ground and began crying. I held my chest as I felt the throbbing in my heart. “I want to be with you” I said and curled into a ball, holding his watch securely to my torso.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

   I flew up from my sleep sweating and running into a corner. My nightmares have been chasing me for the past couple months. I held onto my chest. I was breathing so heavy and I tried to catch my breath. “What’s wrong?” he asked and I whipped around as quickly as possible. I stepped back and kept my eyes on him. “Come on I’m not here to hurt you…unless you make me” he said. “Uh-uh” I said, putting out my hands in defense. The room was dimly lit and I could see his face clearly because the moon light made sure to hit all the right places tonight. He was wearing his painted smile. In no time he sprinted over to me and grabbed my hair.

  Terrified I held my breath. “Come on baby” he said. I shook my head and gripped his arms. “Please” I begged him. I couldn’t stop him at all the moment I saw the hardness behind his eyes I gave up. I released his hands and allowed him to have what he wanted. He took advantage of me, bruised me and left me petrified. I laid there feeling his hands and lips all over me. I was numb, I didn't even cry. I was falling apart right there even though I have already. He got up and zipped his pants up and ruffled his hair. “See that wasn’t so hard” he said and smiled at me. He ran his hand through my hair and then walked away.

  I laid there motionless on the bed. My life was great just like rainbows and cupcakes…what have I done wrong FOR CHRIST SAKES.

     Chew me up and spit me out,

I’m nothing really I’m very easy to live without.

Treat me like dirt, my feelings don’t matter

Why am I here? Under the ground would have been better.

 There he was right there with the knife. One swing of it and I jumped out of my sleep. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” I was angry I couldn’t take this anymore. I held my head and dragged out my hair…well what remained of it. I can’t take my own life, not because I can’t but because I can’t. I looked outside and remembered my grave. Maybe I could go and check it out. I opened the window quietly and climbed out. I hugged myself and walked hastily towards my grave. Maybe I am dead. What if I came back? That would explain why my life is like this…maybe it’s time to go back to the ground.

  I walked over to it. It was right across from the other grave. I looked at my grave. This is where I’m longing to be. What if I’m just an imagination? I stepped down into the hole…it wasn’t deep since dirt was in it. I laid down crossing my arms over my chest and closed my eyes. I slowly inhaled and exhaled. I hugged myself tighter and listened around me. Sure it was cold and it was the middle of the night but I felt like I was not alone. I snuggled even more into the dirt and pretended to be dead. It was so different. Nothing really seemed to concern me and it was quiet. I heard talking. “I swear I really need you I can’t continue like this” my brows crumpled and I opened my eyes slowly. I sat up and looked across from me. I saw mom standing with a red rose in her hands. She turned towards my grave and I dashed behind a near-by tree. 

  She looked down at my grave with sadness and I was confused. I looked even closer at her. “My sweet angel, I can’t believe I did this to you. I’m so sorry. I’ve always loved you but I had to do it. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. She dropped the rose and jammed a knife into her chest. I gasped and covered my mouth as I stepped back. She groaned as she pressed the knife even farther. I began jumping around and flashing my hands not knowing what to do. I ran towards her and dragged the knife from her chest and she dropped dead on the ground. I stood there trembling as I was glued in the spot. 

  I looked at the knife and then to her. “Mom!” Alejan yelled running towards us. He came to a sudden halt. He looked at the knife in my hand and then at mom. I shook my head and dropped the knife and his eyes hardened. “No…I didn’t do it!!” I yelled as I ran off from him. Mom jumped up and grabbed my ankle causing me to land on my face. I turned on my back and groaned as I held my nose. He got on top of me and gripped my windpipe. I gasped and tried to pry his hand from around my neck. I was having a face-off with death going head to head this time. 

   I kicked him off of me and rolled over on my stomach coughing. I got up and ran back towards the house.

     Run Emily…Run. You killed your mom

     You had the gun. You’re a killer, you pulled the trigger.

      Don’t go home because all you can do now is RUN.

“I know I’m messing up your mind, but I really hope it hurts” I heard my mom’s voice in my head as I ran. I climbed through my window and landed on my back. I grabbed my hair and pulled some out screaming. I was born to be raised in hell. I sat there trembling in the corner. Did I really kill her? Is she dead? Will I ever be able to get out of here? Is this how I’m going to live? My head began pounding so bad. I placed my head in my palms and slowly closed my eyes before I was gone.