Helena Pevensie (Caspian Love Story)

16. Have Heart

Helena remained deep in thought all through the rest of the day. Her thoughts confused her and she could not bring herself to sleep. Instead, she found herself sitting on the stairs on the ship's deck, staring at the stars and thinking. A small figure sat next to her and she heard Lucy ask, "Can't sleep?" Helena shook her head, not breaking her intense stare. 

"Something Coriakin said," she explained slowly. "Something I just haven't made sense of yet." 

"What was it?" Lucy asked. Helena frowned, trying to figure out how to explain. 

"He said that you and Edmund had found your paths in life," she explained. "But that I hadn't. And that I was standing at a crossroads. He also said that...well, that if I didn't let go of my anger, the path would be decided for me." 

"What anger?" Lucy asked with a frown. 

"I don't know," Helena admitted with a sigh. "I didn't think I had any but...I suppose thinking about it I am angry." 

"At who?" Lucy asked timidly. 

"Jacques," Helena said finally. "My finance. I thought I wasn't, that I was over what happened, but...he betrayed me and so did my best friend." 

"What are you talking about? You were engaged?" Lucy replied. 

"Yes," Helena sighed. "I caught him sleeping with my best friend." 

"Oh my god, Helena," Lucy breathed. 

"And I realized today that...that that's why I haven't done anything about Caspian," she admitted, turning her gaze down to her hands as she began fiddling with the cuff of her sleeve. "I know consciously that he's not like Jacques. I know that, but I can't help but still feel scared that he's going to leave me feeling as broken and worthless as my ex-fiance did." 

"Helena," Lucy sighed sympathetically, looping her arm around Helena's. At the slight physical contact, Helena felt her emotions overload. Before she could think to hold them back, tears were streaming down her cheeks and a rattling breath cut through her lungs. Lucy held her as she began to sob, her hand balled into a fist as she tried to muffle the sound. All she could do was gasp and sob as Lucy held her tightly to her. Helena buried her head in Lucy's shoulder as she finally gave in to the tears. 

From below deck, a figure emerged, looking concerned. Lucy glanced up and saw Edmund walking quietly towards them. Brows furrowed, he mouthed to Lucy, 'What's wrong?' 

'Ex-fiance' Lucy mouthed back. Edmund nodded. He gave a questioning thumbs up as if to ask if she needed him and Lucy shook her head. Edmund nodded and tip-toed away, giving his older sister one last concerned look. 

Helena had missed the entire exchange. She continued to sob and gasp desperately in Lucy's arms. With a sympathetic sigh, Lucy began running her hands through her sister's hair and rubbing circles into her back to calm her. After another half hour or so, Helena had mostly calmed apart from the occasional sharp intake of breath. 

Pulling away from her sister, Helena asked tearfully, "Is it even fair to Caspian to keep leading him on like this? I mean...I'm still upset. I'm still angry." 

"Well, I think that depends," Lucy replied. "Look, Helena, forgiveness isn't something that just happens. It's not a choice you make once and then never have to remember about again. So, before you ask yourself if you can be with Caspian right now, just...think about is if you're willing to start choosing to forgive Jacques. Not because he deserves it but because you want to move on, right?" Helena nodded. "Then start choosing to move on, to forgive. And take it slow with Caspian. He's a gentleman. He would never try to push you." 

"I know," Helena said with a teary smile. Wiping away her tears, she said, "He's the perfect gentleman." 

Lucy smiled, hugging her sister and replying, "And exactly the kind of man you deserve." Helena smiled, letting out a small laugh. "And I know he cares about you, Helena. You should see the way he looks at you. You'd think you were the only person on the entire boat." 

"Really?" Helena asked with a small laugh, wiping away the last of her tears. 

"Really," Lucy replied with a smile. With a small, content sigh, Lucy wrapped her arms around her and said, "I love you, Helena, and you deserve every beautiful piece of the world because you outmatch all of them." 

"Thank you, Lucy," Helena said, smiling at her. "But you deserve it just as much as I do, if not more." Lucy smiled widely. In a whisper, Helena said, "And just so you know, you were always my favourite." 

"I heard that," Edmund said, coming around the stairway with a cup of water. Helena laughed, taking the cup from him with a smile. "I couldn't think of anything else to do to help," he admitted with a shrug. 

"Boys," Lucy huffed, shaking her head. Helena let out a deep, rich laugh. 

Feigning hurt, Edmund said, "So I wasn't your favourite?" 

Chuckling, Helena leaned forward and whispered, "Yes you were, but don't tell Lucy that." 

"Hey!" Lucy cried, shoving her lightly. Helena giggled, moving to shield herself from her sister's blows. "And what would you tell Peter if he were here?" Lucy demanded with a raised eyebrow. 

Smirking, Helena replied, "That he was the favourite." 

"Oh, so it's just who's asking?" Edmund accused. "Fraud!" 

"No," Helena laughed. "You're all the favourite. So beautifully unique and so beautifully different. You're all my favourite because I could never dream of trying to compare you all." 

There was a moment where Helena could tell they were taking in and appreciating her words before Edmund said, "I didn't come here for sap, Helena." She let out a giggling laugh as he attempted to snatch back the water cup only for her to get up, draining the rest of it and dashing up the stairs. 

"Whoever has the cup is the target!" Edmund called. 

"Yes!" Lucy cried excitedly, also getting to her feet. Soon the three siblings were dashing around deck, giggling and laughing the entire time and for a beautiful moment, it felt as if none of them had ever experienced pain, loss, separation, or even the pain of a single tear. Each felt for a beautiful, simplistic moment, that everything was perfect, whole, and complete.