Finally Free Again

2

Warnings:
-Eating disorder behaviour (starving)
-Numbers (weight)
-Overexercising

Clay's POV

(Current time, Clay is sixteen now)

I remembered that day well. The day my dad smashed an alcohol bottle on my head which caused me to have brain damage. I needed to go through two surgeries for a bleeding in my head and a small crack in my skull.

After that day, I changed a lot. Not only did I change because I needed to learn a lot of things again like a baby, but I also changed because I started hating my dad for what he did. I acted normal around him, but I never listened to him again after that one day.

I also quit listening to my mother. She always left the house when they argued and I understood that since my dad sometimes hit her, but she was too weak to ask for a divorce and take me with her. Even after I had to fight to survive, she still didn't leave him.

Since my parents fought every day, I felt like I lost all the control I ever once had in my life. If they didn't have a stable relationship, how was I supposed to have a stable relationship with them? As long as they kept fighting and as long as my dad kept drinking, my life would be a hell and I didn't know how to cope with it.

At least, I didn't know how to cope until last week. I saw a documentary on the internet about eating disorders and most of the people who talked about it said that they wanted to gain control. I didn't listen to the rest of it and started googling, figuring out what I had to do.

I had a very strong opinion. If I didn't want something, it would not happen. I was using that to stop eating. I wasn't eating a singular bite anymore, I wanted control. I could control not eating, losing weight and exercising. I didn't have an eating disorder either, I just needed control so I stopped eating.

My parents didn't notice much of it yet since I completely quit eating four days ago. I just told them I was sick which was believable for now.

I honestly never felt greater than I did now. I was very hungry, but I liked the feeling of hunger. That was a sign I was doing alright and that I needed to continue this. I could only drink water and I was never eating again until I thought I lost enough or until my parents stopped fighting and I could regain control.

I stood up, having my sight turn black. I held the wall for a second and waited for my vision to go back to normal. I walked downstairs and saw my parents sitting at the table for breakfast, they both looked mad and didn't even look up to me.

I filled my bottle with water and then left the house, happy that they didn't care about me not eating.

I didn't have friends at school so I always sat alone. No one noticed I didn't eat at school either and I actively participated in PE to burn more calories. I was exhausted when I sat in the changing room and changed clothes.

'Are you losing weight?' someone suddenly asked me. 'I swear you're thinner than last week.'

I was pretty happy that he already noticed my weight loss. I did indeed lose a lot already and smiled at him. 'Not really, but thanks.'

'I'm not sure if that's a compliment,' the boy mumbled as I dressed up.

'It is to me,' I replied, walking off again.

I sat through the rest of the day and then went home. I felt so strong when I skipped a meal and when I said no to it that I couldn't stop smiling after I realised I skipped my breakfast, lunch and my two usual snacks.

I was drinking water to feel a little bit fuller than I was now and walked home by walking the longest route to burn more calories. I went inside of my house once I arrived and noticed my parents weren't here.

I started running up and down the stairs to burn more calories and completely lost track of time. I had been going up and down for an hour when I fell down and panted loudly. I was covered in sweat and went upstairs to go to the bathroom.

I locked the door and undressed myself as I stood in front of the mirror, looking at all my fat. Then I grabbed the scale and stepped on it. I rolled my eyes when I saw I weighed 140 pounds and immediately grabbed my phone to calculate what I needed to weigh.

I was confused when it said I was underweight and I looked up with an eye roll.

'Underweight, yeah sure buddy,' I scoffed as I put my phone away.

I turned the shower on and waited for it to become hot while I exercised. I ran around, did squats and jumped up and down to burn as much as I could. I got so hopeless that I weighed myself again to see if I weighed less, but it was the same weight as a minute ago.

I sighed softly and then stepped inside of the shower, turned the water to cold so I'd be able to burn more. I washed myself, but stayed in the water for way longer.

Eventually, I was so cold that I started shivering so I turned the water back to warm for the last minute.

I stepped out and dried myself off, dressing myself up after that. I started to run again. I needed to lose weight, I needed people to see that I'd become thin, maybe they would like me more when I was very thin.

I kept running for hours until I was so exhausted that I almost passed out. I sat down on my bed with my eyes closed. I wasn't allowed to lay down because then my body would rest more. I needed to keep burning calories.

I was so tired that I eventually dozed off to sleep which I hated myself for. I had to burn more, the voice was so strong and I needed to exercise. I still fell asleep for hours...

1055 words