Irresistible - Pete Wentz Fanfic (Part 2)

Chapter 25

Pete decided not to make a stop so we were still driving at the same speed, not having taken a stop at 3am. Hemingway had fallen asleep and Pete and I had barely talked and I felt like we were distancing again but I didn’t want that to happen. But after the conversation in the park, I felt like we were slowly growing apart again, you could feel the distance between us increasing and it scared me. We had just started to get closer again, I didn’t want to let this happen but whenever we argued, all of that seemed like it had been for nothing. I wanted to know how he felt about me, not romantically or anything for that matter, just generally, if he still trusted me and what he thought about me.

I cleared my throat and looked at him from the side while he was driving, his eyes focused straight on the road ahead. “Can I ask you something?” I asked quietly. It was barely visible but he nodded. “Do you still … um … suffer from insomnia?” I could tell my question confused him because he raised his eyebrows and bit his lip, looking at me for a split second before he concentrated on the dark road ahead again. “Why do you wanna know?” he asked sceptically and I have to admit, the question hurt me a little. There had been times when he would’ve just told me and not suspected anything. I shrugged. “I don’t know, I was just … wondering. You’ve told me that you used to have problems with it but I never noticed it, not when were together and also not before, not now either. Plus, you also always look very peaceful when you sleep, shouldn’t you have a lighter sleep when you’re an insomniac like … shouldn’t you have more of a troubled sleep? I mean, I obviously have no idea about it but that’s why I’m wondering” I explained because sometimes I felt like I sounded stupid, just because I didn’t understand something although I wasn’t judging.

Pete was silent for a while but I knew he would say something. After about a minute, he inhaled deeply before he spoke. “It’s gotten better” he said. I nodded slowly. “Okay. I’m glad.” “You read Gray.” “Yeah, I did.” “You’d know if it was still that bad. But you’re right, people who suffer from insomnia do have a sort of uneasy sleep, I don’t wish it upon anybody.” I nodded again, feeling shivers crawl down my spine. Thinking of Gray and the feelings he had described in it, it physically hurt me to know that that’s how he had actually felt at times, that he knew what he was talking about, that he had written that from personal experience. Whenever I thought about that, whenever those horrible thoughts crossed my mind, I wanted to cuddle him and tell him that I personally would take care that he would never feel like that again. And I had told him that before, when he had revealed to me that a lot of Gray was in fact not made up.

For the first time after we had started to speak again, I realised that I knew nothing really. I knew nothing anymore. I knew him so well but about how he was feeling lately, I knew nothing. I wanted to know how he was, if he was struggling with anxiety still, well, how much or if it had gotten better. I wanted to know if he felt like he was getting better at being a father, what if he would have the same troubled thoughts about being a dad to our kid? As I realised how strange I suddenly felt towards him, my palms started to sweat and I was getting hot and cold alternately before I calmed myself down and only had to deal with the goosebumps that were now covering my body.

I took a deep breath. “How are you?” I finally asked simply but the tone behind my voice made it pretty obvious what I meant. Pete sighed and I saw him pressing his lips together. “I guess I’m alright. I mean, I haven’t had a panic attack in a while, I’ve been taking my meds so I haven’t had anything weird happen. I feel down occasionally but I mean, that’s normal. It’s just that sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to be fully okay. You know?” It hurt, it hurt to know that something was hurting him and I wanted it to go away, I wanted to protect him from everything but I knew I didn’t have the power to, and if I had had it at one point, I didn’t have it anymore. I still had to try. “Can I do anything?” I asked. He instantly opened his mouth but it shut again right away. “What?” I urged. He bit his lip and shook his head. “I don’t think you can do anything.” “I understand you though, well, I don’t but … I can imagine how you feel.”

Sometimes, I also felt like I had never been right for him because I didn’t understand how he felt. I had never suffered from depression, anxiety, insomnia or a bipolar disorder and I could always imagine what he felt like but I could just never know. Maybe he had always needed somebody who understood him, somebody who could be there for him and help him in just the right way because she knew what he needed and how he felt. I could only ever assume what he felt and what might help.

“Pete?” I asked. “Yeah?” “Is that also one of the reasons we didn’t work out?” I could see in his face that that question took him off guard and he looked at me, locking my eyes and I could see his shine in the darkness of the car. “I mean, I won’t pretend that I understand how you feel and I never did because I don’t know, I have no idea. But these things that you have going on, I don’t mind them, I just don’t understand them. So maybe, that’s something you could mind, I thought. I have no idea, I don’t even know if I should talk about this, I have no idea if this could be triggering, I just…” I rambled in desperation but he cut me off. “No” he said, his voice was deep and low and steady, not shaking a little like before, not unsure, not nervous. I looked at him. “No?” “No, Charlie, this is why being with you was so good for me, the fact that you’re not burdened with any of that shit, the fact that you’re normal, you’re just the way you’re supposed to be, that’s one of the reasons I love you, you make me feel like I’m normal too.” Full stop, he stopped speaking and it was obvious that he was not going to say more, that he just wanted to set the record straight.

I couldn’t help but notice though. “One of the reasons why I love you”, he had said. Not “why I loved you”, he had said it in present tense. Had he not realised that? Or did he just mean he loved me in a friend kind of way because we had been together? Because, I still loved him too, not the same way as before obviously but still. My heart was beating faster and I tried to settle down in my seat without showing how much his words had effected me. I had been wondering for quite a while and now I finally knew and it made me happy, it made me feel like the power to help him was something I had, no matter that I didn’t understand him. I knew he was genuine, he wouldn’t have lied about something like this. I wondered if we would’ve been happier now if we had gotten married.

“Charlie?” he asked, his voice was quiet but not as deep anymore. “The reason you’ve never seen me sleep restlessly or in any way troubled is because it doesn’t happen when you’re with me.”