Fade in to Sarge talking to people
Sarge: Alright men. Donut. Since Simmons has been demoted for reasons of dementia-
Simmons: The tank was real!
Sarge: And he's been ordered by the Judge to stay at least two hundred yards away from us-
Simmons: Oh come on, that wasn't a real Judge, that was Donut wearing a powdered wig!
Donut: Over- huhem, ahuhh, (in a deeper voice now) overruled. Shame on you. Hurr.
Sarge: We are now holding auditions for the permanent position of Second in Command, here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
Simmons: WHAT!?
Sarge: And since Simmons is disqualified because of the afore mentioned cuckooness, and since Grif is ineligible-
Grif: Or because I don't wanna compete?
Sarge: Because you're ineligible!
Grif: No, I just don't want to compete.
Sarge: Of course you don't, because you're ineligible!
Grif: (sigh) Whatever.
Donut: I guess that means I get the job, because I'm unopposed, which is the same way I got "Most Likely to be Fabulous" in high school.
Sarge: Actually Donut, I managed to find some other candidates for you to compete against.
Donut: Huh?
Sarge: We've located an old wrench used by Lopez, and this skull of unknown origin. Some dirt and a rock entered the preliminaries but they didn't make it to the semifinals. Lazy bastards.
Donut looks at the said competition and grin.
Donut: Hyes. You guys are goin' down. In yo face wrench, in yo face! Take that, bonehead, ha ha ha, woo!
Sarge: You will be competing against each other in a series of gruelling events, in order to gain my attention. First up, the obstacle course, Grif! Get the alligators!
Grif: I thought I was ineligible.
Sarge: To earn my respect, dirtbag. You're still perfectly capable of grunt work.
Simmons shakes his head in disbelief.
Simmons: Oh man, I can't believe this. My life was going exactly as planned. I was second in command of a marginally successful unit, I had a superior officer who genuinely cared about me, I had the respect and admiration of all my peers. That was the dream! How did it all go so wrong? How! Hahahahow!? Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.
Sheila appears behind him and looks at him.
Sheila: I don't think so.
Simmons: Shut up, you ruined my life.
Cut to Caboose talking to ...nobody? As church and Tex walk up to him.
Caboose: I think I will call him Crunchbite.
Andy: Eh, that's a stupid name.
Caboose: Uh, well I think it's better than your suggestion. Crouchosaurus?
Church: Caboose, who're you talkin' to- HOLY SHIT!
They aim their weapons at the alien as it stands up and looks at them.
Alien: Blargh!
Caboose puts his hands up at them.
Caboose: Stop! He is my friend.
YOU ARE READING
Red vs blue and purple
FanfictionO'Malley and Lopez escaped and something destroyed their robot armor. Sabine had another flashback and she remembers that she has a brother, that might not be alive. The red are back in blood gulch and Simmons sees a tank, that nobody believes. The...