Red vs blue and purple

Under the Weather

Fade in to Blue Base, with Tucker moaning inside the base with Sabine looking for supplies.

Tucker: Uuuuuuuhuuugh.... Uuuuuuhhhohgaawwwwd..

Sabine: Tucker I mean this in the nicest way possible, please shut up.

Church: Man, he sounds terrible.

Caboose: Yeah, he's been like that since the swamp.

Church: Swamp? You guys were in a swamp?

Caboose: Yeah. It was dark and swampy. I wasn't scared at all.

Church: Is this why you guys came home so fast?

Caboose: No, we came home because the alien died, and because the uh glowing sword turned out to be a, uh, glowing key.

Church: Yeah, a glowing key that can still stab people.

Caboose: Right.

Church: So it is a sword. It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations.

Caboose: Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death.

Church: God damn man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes.

Caboose: Yeah. I have a really good time.

Church: Ehehehyeah, it seems like it. You know I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much.

Tucker: Uuuuuhhhhhhhoh...

Church: Hey Tucker, you okay?

Tucker: Ohh, why don't you guys come in here?

Church: Uh, because it might be contagious? Aaand because we've got to think about the health of the unit as a whole. I came up with that pretty fast.

Caboose: And because you threw up ten minutes ago! And that's just gross!

Sabine: How the hell don't you guys have bandages in here?

Church: Caboose wanted to be mummy for Halloween.

Sabine: Hallo-it's the middle of July!

Caboose: Oh so that's why nobody was giving out candy.

Church looks at Caboose very concerned.

Church: Hey wait a second, you don't think that sword-

Caboose: You mean the key?

Church: No I mean the sword. You don't suppose that sword is makin' him sick, do you?

Caboose: I don't see how, it hasn't sneezed once.

Church: We don't know anything about it though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.

Sabine: Then why the hell am I in here?!

Church: You've leaning on him like a crutch, it only makes sense for you to only be infected already!

Sabine:... Touché.

Caboose: Or, maybe it runs on solar power!

Church: Wait now- why would solar power make him sick?

Caboose: ...Is he Republican?

Sabine suddenly comes out and looks at them.

Sabine: That's, actually funny caboose. I'd laugh but it hurts when I so much as move it. Maybe back at my base there's bandages.

Church: hehe, then why didn't you go there while you felt better?

Sabine:........... Thats actually a very good question and I just realized that Sarge used the bandages up for Molotov cocktail. I'm just gonna find some stuff to stop the bleeding.