With You, I'm Everything But Colorless

Chapter 40

'Today, I dreamt of her. I've been seeing her so often in my dreams and even there, I still like her. Just right now, I had a dream of Lauren, and it felt so real. Not because it's something though. It's a memory stuck as regret in my head, never leaving like a leech and a tattoo kiss. I hate it. I hate how my hippocampus has such a tight grip. It was the day after our last party and we had an argument. In my dream, it reminded me of how I ran away with only pyjamas. I even remember how my tears fell ceaselessly on that early winter morning. That was the day when I snapped at her and left her alone after bursting all what I've seethed for so long. It's a shame to remember that considering how I probably hurt her by those words. I'm ashamed of it. It's the regret I wished to have never done. It wasn't worth it. If I just knew that it will end up being like this, I should've just composed myself that time and apologized to her. If I just knew that she'd leave like this, I should've just spent the last days with her instead of mourning about my regrets on how that last moments weren't enough. Maybe then, I wouldn't be holding on to a foolish and hopeless dreams because whenever I wake up, there's this sinking in my stomach and ache in my chest that just couldn't stop screaming and honing after her. All I yearn for is her presence. I'm very glad to often dream of Lauren no matter how far it is from reality. However, whenever I wake up from that dream, there's this question that doesn't want to let me wake up still just so to see her even just by there; I ask myself, when will I stop anticipating every of this bad dream and to when will it ever be real?'

'I  literally begged for the Almighty because I'm scared to say that it will never be. Ever since the fifth day after New Year has passed, I seem to always have Lauren running around my mind more often compare to the usual and how it should be and the more she controls my daily thoughts, the more I get scared of her not coming home anymore. It's worse now that it's the eighth day though. I've been waiting for her. Could it be that she'd never come back again? Or more positively, if she'd just take way more longer? I'm getting tired of waiting when I'm being this pessimist. I used to be so positive and optimistic but when it comes to thinking if she'd even come back, my positive side crumbles cowardly, pushing me into a dark pit of despair. I'm just not sure. I guess, we could say that this is the only time I couldn't find hope when it comes to her. I'm always hopeful. This isn't me. I'm quite far from this and it's just so weird and overwhelming, thinking about it. I never thought that falling for someone could be like this. She used to be just a no one to me and it's weird how she turned from being just one in these million strangers but now, with her absence, it felt like the big city were left empty. As if their colors faded. Did Lauren bring all the colors to Miami that left this big city tenebrific? Or it's just the same for her there? Whatever it is, I hope she's doing well.'

Camila frowned as she writes subject to subject on her journal. She's got a lot of thoughts now considering that it's been a while since she got to write for it.

Sure, she talked about a lot of topic there and what's been happening, but they're all connected to Lauren.

She just rubbed her temples and closed the book when she found herself bothered by a headache. The memory she dreamt about this morning was just disturbing. It's all clear, even the detail's completely reminding her of how she went out, enduring the cold because she's way too mad to even come back for her coat.

With a sigh for having nothing to do, she put back her things in her old bag and hugged her knees. The cold breeze hugged her still despite of the thick layers of cloths surrounded around her. It made her thought about visiting Lauren's house again but it scares her. It's just so wrong. Sure, she's got cloths left in there for that morning after she left but she doesn't even want to take it back. With that all left, maybe, she could leave at least a remembrance of her for Lauren.