Written Desires | J.hs

"making a move"

nine
Hoseok Jung

After my sudden cognizance , I understood one thing.

This was being sent to me.

Everything was being handed to me and yet I refused to make a move. Three days and three nights went by. Haven went in and out of her apartment, going on about her previous life and of course going inconspicuous to me — her idol staying across the street from her.

It wounded me in a way. But I suppose I couldn't blame nobody other than myself. After all I was the only person that knew of this information between the two of us. And at first, it seemed like the right thing to do — keeping such information to myself.

But then I realized that there was no fun in that. And if I wanted something it was best to go out and get it. Just as I always did.

Why were things so different with Haven?

I was scared to do a lot of things I usually did. Tempted, yes. But there was something pulling me back. Keeping me away from fulfilling my own wishes.

I didn't want to overwhelm her but it would be mistreatment to myself to ignore the things that I desired in life.

And what I most desired at this time was Haven's attention. I wanted her to notice me. Yes, she knew who I was outside of pour personal lives.

She knew that I was an erotic author. She knew that I wrote about sex and no matter how deviant said scenes were within my stories, I carried no shame in writing them. I was very prideful about my work. I was a sweetheart, I took others in for consideration and I was far from the social norm.

I was bold. I was a shameless man that lived life with no regrets. I took risk and unapologetically was myself.

But that what Haven knew. No no, actually. That's what Haven thought.

On the inside I was no more than a coward who couldn't even pick my balls up from the ground and walk out of the hotel anytime I seen her strolling about the sidewalk.

And that there was the sad reality to me. Hoseok Jung.

I say perched up against the window. Reminding myself of a wandering bird, bored with nothing to do.

I played with my lighter. Flicking down on it to watch the small flame erupt. The fire burns before me and at first I was amused by it, but now it's nothing but a simple act of mindless boredom— and activity to distract me from my self hopelessness.

And all of sudden there sounds a series of knocks at the door.

I turn my head, already knowing that it was nobody other than Kim Namjoon looking for something to do. He was my manager and it was honestly his job to be a pest but sometimes I felt as if he only "checked up" on me so many times throughout the day because he had nothing better to do.

Truth was he had no friends outside of me. He has a family but nothing instant like a wife or children. He had a mother and a father. A younger sister. Aunts. Uncles. Grandparents.

But he ignored them for work. He ignored them because he was always so wrapped up in time, never allowing for it to slip past. He frowned himself in schedules and conferences. I couldn't say he did it for me. But I could say that he did it because of me. And that wasn't okay, but I couldn't lay all the fault on myself.