Love Grows Where His Camila Goes

12

12

Camila’s POV

Hindi ako makapaniwalang darating din yung pagkakataon na ‘to kung kailan naubos na ako. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ba ang dapat kong maramdaman sa kan’ya. I looked down and let the tears fall down to the cold tiles.

I tried so hard to stifle a sob until my chest was already hurting. I held my chest and fisted on my shirt while looking down. I was trying to hold it all in but it was too hard. My emotions were overflowing but I also didn’t Denise to see me like this again. I was devasted too much.

“Alam mo namang para sa kaniya lalaban ako hindi ba?” umiiyak kong tanong sa kaniya.

Naroon lang si Denise, nakatingin sa akin ngunit palagi siyang umiiwas ng tingin kapag nagsasalita ako habang umiiyak. Napapapikit ito, para bang ayaw niya akong tignan na ganito ako.

Who knew it would come to this point? I should have been ready to face this. But, why did it hurt so much? Why do I feel like I was the one who’s dying? It hurt. I’m hurt. The whole of me.

“You don’t deserve this, Cams,” Denise whispered.

“I deserve this,” I whispered, crying. “I deserve this... Gavin will probably give up because of me...” my voice broke.

She hugged me tighter. “No, wala kang kasalanan, hindi mo kasalanang may sakit siya o sumuko man siya.” she whispered while caressing my back. “Camila, you deserved better,”

“It hurts so much... Everything hurts...” I was breathing heavily. Parang nahihirapan na akong maghabol ng hininga sa sunud–sunod na pag–iiyak. “Why do I need to suffer when all I wanted was Gavin to be free? I should have been more careful.”

“I am here,” she whispered to me continuously. “Lean on me, Camila.”

“There was nothing good going on with my life anymore. It feels like a sin to be happy.” I cried again until I couldn’t breathe anymore.

“Cams,” she called before getting me out of her hold. I couldn’t see her face anymore because of my tears. She held my chin and wiped my tears away with her thumb. “We will get through this. You have me on your back.”

Umiling ako nang umiling, patuloy pa rin sa pag–agos ang mga luha ko. Mabigat sa pakiramdam. Para akong nawawalan ng hininga habang umiiyak nang tuluy–tuloy. Walang tigil.

‘Mas mahihirapan ka, at masasaktan kapag patuloy mong mamahalin si Gavin.’ My Mama’s words suddenly came back to me. To think that she told me that without me knowing she was right. I didn’t know what to feel about it anymore. Just when I was about to think that everything would be alright, another problem came up

Noong araw na sinabi sa akin ni Gavin na susuko na siya, umuwi ako nang dahil sa galit, tinawagan ko si Tita para magpaalam at may makasama si Gavin sa hospital. Umuwi ako... na dapat hindi ko nalang sana ginawa. Iniwan ko siyang masama ang loob. Iniwan ko siyang mag–isang sumusuko. Iniwan ko siyang walang kasama habang unti–unti na niyang binibigay sa langit ang buhay niya.

Kung alam ko lang...

Kung hindi lang ako nadala ng emosyon ko. Sana narito pa siya. Kung alam ko lang na huling yakap na namin iyon, sana pala sinulit ko na.

Something was bothering me that day, but I couldn’t point it out. Ipinagsawalang–bahala ko iyon, kahit alam kong may masama nang mangyayari. Hinayaan ko lang na mangyari lahat ng iyon. Naging pabaya ako habang binabantayan ko siya.

“Camila, wala na si Gavin. Wala na ‘yung anak ko...” I heard Tita Cherry loud cries over the phone. “Pagkadating namin sa hospital, wala na siyang malay. Sinukuan na ako ng anak ko, Camila.”

My vision got blurred, and dark. My head felt heavy. Everything was suddenly a blur. I couldn’t hear anything anymore. I felt dizzy. My heart started to race, making it hard for me to breathe.

“Tita, no. Hindi totoo ‘yan, ‘di po ba?” I only heard her cries over the phone. “Tita naman e. Tita, lumalaban pa si Gavin kanina! Tita, niyakap niya pa po ako e!” I cried.

I held my chest. Pasikip nang pasikip ang dibdib ko habang tumatagal. I tried to stand but I just fell on the floor, staring at nowhere. Wala na akong maramdaman. Ubos na ubos na ako. Hirap na hirap na akong ibangon ang sarili ko.

Matagal kong binaon at pinaniwala ang sarili ko sa ideyang gagaling pa siya, pero hindi ko alam na babagsak ulit ako sa ganitong sitwasyon, sa sitwasyong wala na pala talagang pag–asa.

Kasi sumuko na siya. Sumuko na si Gavin na kahit kailan ay hindi ko sinukuan. Sa unang pagkakataon, nawala ang mga pangako niya. Sa unang pagkakataon, binigo niya ang pag–asa ko. Namatay siya kasama ang mga pangako niya.

‘Alam naman nating darating din sa ganito ito, hindi ba Camila?’ His words hitted me, again. Oo, alam naming lahat ng iyon. Pero, alam din naming kaya mong gumaling kasi ikaw na rin ang nagsabing nawala na ‘yan dati eh.

Handa na siya. Matagal na niyang tinanggap na hanggang doon na lamang siya. Matagal na niyang tinanggap na iyon na ang destinasyon niya. Matagal na niyang tinanggap ang reyalidad sa buhay niya.

“Lahat kami umaasa... Lahat kami umaasa na gagaling pa siya.” I whispered, not knowing who I am talking to.

His words. His smile after saying that... He already accepted it. And, I did nothing to change it. I did nothing to change his fate. I did nothing to change his mind. If only we tried harder together. If only we were strong enough to handle it together.

My mind was too clouded. Everything was not sinking in even while driving to the hospital. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakarating, o kung paano ko kinayang mag–isa. My legs started shaking when I stopped in front of the cold room.

The doctor gave me a white letter as I entered the room. I couldn’t even breathe properly. I couldn’t talk properly. I am drowning in the reality, the reality of him being dead in front of me. I slowly walked towards him and pulled on the white cloth. “Gavin naman e...”

Isa–isa at dahan–dahang tumutusok ang libu–libong sakit sa puso ko. Dahan–dahan nitong pinapatay lahat ng masasayang alaala namin ni Gavin sa puso ko. Isa–isa nilang pinupuntirya yung kakayahan kong maging masaya.

I saw my boyfriend, lying on that bed. The world has taken away his right to live, his ability to breathe, speak, open his eyes, and make me happy. Ipinagkait na ng mundo, simula pa lang, yung karapatan ni Gavin para mabuhay nang mas matagal, at mas mahaba. I felt all of that negative energy while staring at Gavin on a white cloth. I couldn’t help but cry.

“I am sorry, love.” I cried and whispered repeatedly. “I am sorry for leaving you that day. I should have done better. I am sorry for disappointing you.” I left him there to die. Maybe I did put so much pressure on him.

I looked at the white paper in my hand after crying. The last words in his letter made me devasted and frustrated too much. He made me cry again. He broke his promises again. Hindi ko na ulit makikita yung masasayang ngiti niya.

Starting this time, no one will tell me that everything is going to be alright, no one will tell me that I will go through this. No one will support me in everything. I lost half of my soul. I felt like I was cut in pieces.

He left me once, and, he will come back never.

Tinignan ko ang letter na hawak ko. Binasa ko yung huling mga salita sa letter na ginawa ni Gavin para sa akin. Base lamang sa sulat niya, halatang pinilit niyang magsulat para sa akin, para lang ipahatid yung gusto niyang sabihin.

“And there in your heart, mananatili akong buhay, and forever be deserving of your love. Hinding hindi ako mawawala sa puso mo, Camila. Ikaw ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko.” I felt like he was whispering in my ears.

&.&