Sage: Five
Five: hm?
Sage: what is my favorite thing that is your favorite but it's my favorite- (has a large brain fart, not a thought behind those eyes)
Five: why is it can't speak you can't it?
Sage: the fuck-
-----
Sage: *reciting the Harry Potter in 99 seconds*
There once was a boy named Harry, destined to be a star
His parents were killed by Voldemort, who gave him a lightning scar
Yo Harry, you're a wizard
Harry goes to Hogwarts, he meets Ron and Hermione
McGonagall requires he play for Gryffindor
Draco is a daddy's boy
Quirrell becomes unemployed
The sorcerer's stone is destroyed by Dumbledore
Ron breaks his wand, now Ginny's gone, and Harry's in mortal danger
Tom Riddle hides his snake inside his ginormous secret chamber
Harry blows up aunt Marge
The dementors come and take charge
Lupin is a wolf, the rats a man
And now the prisoner is at large
They use time travel so they can save the prisoner of Azkaban who just so happens to be Harry's godfather
I don't really get it either
Harry gets put in the Triwizard Tournament
With dragons and mermaids, oh no, Edward Cullen gets slayed
He's back
Harry, Harry, it's getting scary
Voldemorts back
And you are a revolutionary Harry
Dumbledore Dumbledore, why is he ignoring your constant attempts to contact him?
He is forced to leave the school
Umbridge arrives, Draco's a tool
Kids break into the ministry
Sirius Black is as dead as can be
Split your soul
Seven parts of a whole
They're Horcruxes
It's Dumbledore's end
There once was a boy named Harry, who constantly conquered death
But in one final duel between good and bad
He may take his final breath
Klaus:
Max:
Vanya:
Allison:
Diego:
Luther:
Five: I always wondered what you did in your free time.
-----
Five: gotta love knitting needles. I can make a scarf. I can make a hat. I can stab your eyes out. I can make mittens.
Sage: sorry what was that middle part again?
Five: I can make a hat?
Sage:
Sage: I'm this close to being done with you
Five: you still love me
Sage: that'll never change but still-
-----
Five: don't fear death, fear the state you die in
Nobody:
Not even god himself:
Klaus: [horrified whisper] Alabama
-----
Sage: time to get out of bed, the sun is up!
Max: so? it's not like I need photosynthesis or something
-----
Sage: *kisses Five*
Five: what is this?
Sage: affection
Five: disgusting
Five:
Sage:
Five: do it again
-----
Five: i wasn't that drunk
Sage: you were laughing really hard at the TV
Five: so?
Sage: it wasn't even on.
-----
Five: any cute names to call your girlfriend?
Max: sugar
Klaus: honey
Diego: flour
Allison: egg
Luther: 1/2 lb butter
Vanya: stir
Ben: pour into pan
Klaus: preheat to 350 degrees
Sage: I'm going home.
-----
Five: *drops mug, it breaks* fuck
*crashes and banging from the other side of the house*
Five: oh no
*Sage crashes through the door*
Sage: what the frick frack tic tac patty whack snick snack quarterback big Mac heart attack race track double back guy named Jack did you just say?!?!!?
-----
Sage: you remind me of the ocean
Diego: explain
Sage: fucking salty
-----
Sage: how drunk was I
Max: you do not know how drunk you were yesterday?
Sage: I probably wasn't that drunk
Five: you took a clock and threw it out the window cuz you wanted to see time fly
Klaus: when your mom gave you 45$ for lunch you ate it
Diego: when I said "screw you" to Luther you chased him around with a screw driver for an hour
Luther: you tried to drown me in air.
Sage: wow. i do awesome things when I'm drunk
Five: that I cannot argue
-----
Five: I like your new pants
Sage: thanks, I got them 50% off
Five: id like them better if they were 100% off
Sage: the store can't just give away clothes
Five: that's not what I mea-
Sage: that's a terrible way to run a business, Five.
-----
Sage: who the fuck-
Five: language!
Sage: whom the fuck-
Five: I'm done.
YOU ARE READING
The Umbrella Academy Groupchat
RandomThe Hargreeves and I in some weird ass scenarios over text that I think would happen WAKEY WAKEY EGGS AND BAKEYYYY
