Sage: What is love?
Vanya: A feeling
Luther: A hormone
Five: BABY DON'T HURT ME
Sage: YES THANK YOU FIVE
----
Sage: A good romance starts with friendship
Five: And a bad romance starts with ra ra ah ah ah ro ma ro ma ma ga ga ooh la la
----
Five: Do you know anything about large explosions? Specifically, how to make one?
Sage: Explosions? What is this for?
Max: Fun.
----
Diego: *kicks the door open, looking panicked*
Diego: WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?
Sage, Five, & Max: NOBODY DIED!
Vanya: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!?!?
----
Sage, parking the car: Klaus, could you go get a table for us?
Klaus: Sure
Klaus, coming back ten minutes later with a table in his arms: START THE CAR NOW!
Everyone: what the fuc-
----
Sage & Klaus: *screaming*
Five, rushing in the room: SAGE WHAT'S WRONG!?!?
Klaus: why are you only asking them? We're both screaming!
Five: because Sage doesn't scream unless it's an emergency, you, on the other hand, scream whenever you get the chance
----
Sage: don't break someone's heart, they only have one
Five & Max: yeah, break their bones, they have 206 of them.
Sage: MAX! FIVE!
----
Max: what time is it?
Klaus: I don't know, hand me the saxophone and we'll find out
Klaus: *blows saxophone loudly*
Sage & Five from their room: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT 2AM
Klaus: it's 2am
----
Five: I don't think that this'll work, Sage. Hogwarts and spells aren't real
Sage: Oh come on just try it!
Five: alright fine. Accio gay disasters
Klaus, Max, & Vanya appearing in the room: the FUCK?
----
Allison: step on the cracks, you break your mother's back
Diego: *carefully avoids all cracks, tiptoeing along the sidewalk*
Luther: *stomps on every crack in sight while laughing maniacally*
----
Vanya: what are you doing?
Sage, aggressively digging through a bag of m&ms: Luther really likes the green ones, so I'm separating them
Vanya: oh, that's sweet
Sage: what? No, I'm planning on eating them all in front of him and then running.
----
Sage: I'm going out!
Tariq: Where?
Sage: either to get ice cream with Max and Five or commit a felony. We'll decide in the car.
Tariq: Ok be home by 9
Sage: thanks
Vanya:
Vanya: why do you encourage this
----
Sage: what is one thing you would change about me?
Five: your last name
Sage: *aggressively blushes*
Allison: what is one thing you would change about me?
Luther: your last name
Allison: you fucking dipshit we have the same last name-
----
Max: *walks into Sage's room while recording* WAKE UP SLEEPY HEAD
Sage: *sits upright right away* what the fawk
Five from behind them: dude, it's like 3 o'clock, man
Max: OH OH OH WHOA
----
Sage: *is making spaghetti*
Nobody:
Sage: *tastes the spaghetti*
Five: *comes up on the other end of the spaghetti noodle*
Both: *kith*
Sage: 👁️👄👁️
Five: *walks out whilst making eye contact*
----
Luther: hey, how y'all-
Five: RAAWJDDNSNNDD
Luther: AHHHHHH GET YO FUCKIN DOG BITCH
Sage: it don't bite
Luther: YES IT DO, BITCH-
----
Klaus: HEY! HEY, HEY AHHH!
Sage, snuggling Five: shhhh! The baby's sleeping!
Klaus, whispering: oh, sorry
Sage: what's up?
Klaus, still whispering: there's a fire
----
Luther: *blows Allison a kiss*
Allison: *catches it*
Luther: *smiles*
Allison: *shoves it in the blender and turns it on*
Luther: 👁️💧👄💧👁️
----
Sage: *sniff* is something burning?
Five: Just my desire for you
Sage:
Sage: five the oven is literally on fire.
YOU ARE READING
The Umbrella Academy Groupchat
RandomThe Hargreeves and I in some weird ass scenarios over text that I think would happen WAKEY WAKEY EGGS AND BAKEYYYY
