Thanatophobia| MICHAEL AFTON x READER

13| Train of thought.

1st person. Michael Afton POV

Idk what it is, but I like writing from Mike's POV so much.

also, I'm a bit sick today, so this is just a sweet little filler chapter.

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I've been confused lately.

In a simple way, put it in my head, but when I try to put it in words, all that comes out is verbal vomit. I begin to stutter and second guess things. I don't make sense out of my head, and this bothers me.

Currently, Im sitting in front of Y/N, across from a small table in Latymer. We had to take a train to get here, and I promised I would pay for the food since it's known for its incredibly high prices. It's known as a hotel also, but we aren't here to stay. Just for dinner.

"Mikey. You look nervous." Y/N said softly, their voice making my ears ring. My head was pounding.

"Im fine," I said quietly, bouncing my leg under the table. Their feet touched mine.

"You don't look it." They retaliated, reaching their right hand forward to grab my left. I felt my non-existent heart jolt when they squeezed.

"Sorry sorry," I said quickly. "Just...a lot on my mind. OH! Look, our waiter, hellu." I said, motioning to a man who just approached our table. I had been hiding behind my menu slip for a while, staring blankly at the 6, maybe 7 options typed out in Comic Sans font. The menu was completely white...

This was a surprise tasting, and we only really got to choose the wine and snacks brought to us.

Y/N got themselves a marshmallow-themed type snack. the name was too long for me to remember. I turned down the offer and got no snacks. This was Y/N's treat, not mine.

I hope they like it, too...this was £120 a person, plus £95 for the wine tasting, which Y/N did not like. it was all too sweet, or too bitter. The only one they liked was the Taittinger brut champagne, which I found to be way too sweet. Taittinger brut, however, happened to be the cheapest one, so I doubt mind if they order it.

They squeezed my hand once more, causing me to turn my head quickly in their direction.

"What to talk about it?" They tilted their head, making my mind go crazy once more.

"Um..." Suddenly, I couldn't find my voice. "Y/N."

"Mmm?" They hummed, raising their eyebrows.

"I really...really like you," I said, grinning like a dumb prat. I saw them grin. "God...sorry." I pull my hand away to cover my face once again.

"No no! Mikey, really, this is really sweet." They say quickly, pulling my hands back into theirs. "I've actually been waiting for you to say this kind of stuff."

"I've said it before." I huff. "But it was never in the right place. I felt like, asking you out and stuff...It would be a little low grade to do it in your apartment."

"I would have been happy with anything." They shrug, the smile still plastered onto their face.

"I just..." I stop, take a deep breath, then sigh. "You're so cool and funny, and you're attractive! Really...really attractive, not that it matters, but still." I pull my right hand out of theirs to scratch my neck. "Im just- I want to be more serious with you...I want to know that things are okay to do-"

"Mikey-"

"And I want to be able to go out with you regularly, and not be nervous, and anxious to come over and spend time with you-"

"Mikey..."

"Ahh!" I pull my other hand away, my hands landing in my hair, tugging at the sides of it slightly. I feel sweaty. "Sorry. Word vomit."

"No, no, Mikey, I feel the same." They said quickly, catching me while I was out of breath. "Seriously."

"So. so so so so." I began to stutter. "So this is okay? I can be okay? With you?" My voice cracked, and I saw them smile and nod. "Ohhh amazing." I sighed deeply, letting my forehead lay on the table for a moment.

"You don't have to be so flustered, Mikey." I felt their hand on my shoulder. "And you didn't have to take me out to a nice dinner...I would have been completely fine with fish and chips down in the tube halls."

"Well, what the point if I'm going to make it boring, Y/N?" I grin, lifting my head to look at them.

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we ended up leaving the restaurant around 6 pm. The dinner wasn't all that great, but it was big enough to keep Y/N full for the night. The train ride was only an hour...When we got back into town, they pulled me by my arm to their building, where I have been staying most nights.

I relived to them my living conditions, which consisted of me sleeping in an office chair in the back employee room in the Pizzaria. This way, I could stay close to everything. I could sleep as soon as I got Audio calls done.

However, Y/N found this to be ridiculous, and made me their own roommate without my approval first...this works for me though. I do the washing, and they hang it outside on the balcony. They cook, I clean the dishes. I am a good boy, they bang me after work. This is how it's been going on for the past few days.

However, I haven't been banged yet, as they've offered. I turn it down so much because it makes me feel like I'm using them if that makes sense. They will think that I only want them for that, and that's not It! I liked them before our first time, really.

Sure, that uncalled-for, humiliating handjob the other day probably ruined any chance of control that I have in that kind of intimacy, but that was their idea at the time, so I didn't feel as bad when they didn't get anything in return.

I offered.

They sat on their sofa, the telly switched on to an old-looking show. black and white. I don't know what it was saying...they had subtitles on, but I couldn't read them from where I was. I stood behind the sofa, my hands on their shoulders, grinding my thumbs into their nape and in between their shoulder blades. They complained about their back aching on the walk here...

"Okay?" I said, leaning my head down so my chin rested on their shoulder. Their hand came up to my face and they stroked my cheek, kissing the other when they turned their head.

"Perfect." They said softly, letting go of me.

"Brilliant." My voice hitched, letting out that back-of-the-throat posh I've been hiding so well.

I end up at their aide just a few minutes later, my arm around their waist, and their body leaning against mine. I still couldn't understand the telly.

My train of thought is in wack.

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